The Snows

Baptism Prep

2012-01-19T04:29:00.001-07:00

I just discovered our first spider of our new home in West Bountiful. I would think this house, so exposed with cracks to "the underworld" (crawl space), would be full of them. I can't wait for spring. eek! Well, more practice for exposure to fears, as the silver lining would say.

Last night was our first invite for dinner in our new neighborhood/ward. We went to Rachel's house. The social boundaries there are more open, as I like, so I felt right at home, as did our whole family. Rachel lives with her in-laws indefinitely and yet there is no cloudy relationships or strain there. You can feel the love.

While we were there, since we were so pressed for time, our appointment with Myles' primary leaders about his baptism was there. This ward is so incredible. They had a full-on book for him about what he needed to know, songs, a place for him to write about the day and how he felt, pages for guests to sign, etc. This will be great. I am so proud of him.

We Moved

2011-11-21T07:51:00.001-07:00

Curtis' desire to increase his portfolio of rentals and my desire to move back to West Bountiful go me looking at multiplexes online late one night a couple of months ago. I found an interesting duplex in West Bountiful and a couple of triplexes in Bountiful.

That Wednesday we drove to our weekly dinner at Curtis' parents followed by our couple therapy session in Centerville. On the way back to pick up the kids at their grandparent's house, I we passed right by the duplex and I flippantly said that we should go look at it. Curtis doesn't usually like to deviate from his course to do something spontaneous so I didn't think he would turn around to see it but he did. It was a large-looking, cute, yellow 1800's home. I love historic homes and therefore was biasedly in love at first sight. Curtis saw the potential and liked it too.

It was a HUD home and therefore had all sorts of scary signs on it that included a message that no one was allowed inside until they had an accepted offer. So that night we went home, called our renter in Tremonton who is a realtor and who has been behind in her rent about $1300 for quite some time now (hoping if we got her some money she would pay us), and had her place a full price offer.

We decided on the full price of $162,000 because it had been appraised in March for over $200,000 and so we felt full price was already a good deal. The offer was accepted and Curtis and his dad did the inspection and found it sound (although all the plumbing and electrically needed to be replaced and probably both furnaces). Once all our paperwork was in the incompetent loan officer said he could close it within 2 weeks. That would make our closing date October 7th.

To make a long story short, we ended up not closing until November 8th! And I had already found a couple to rent our home in Willard who moved in October 20th so we stored our things and moved in with Curtis' parents.

It's great that our new home/rental is less than a mile from Curtis' parents, it's on nearly an acre, and it's only one house away from the childrens' elementary school. If it weren't so close to the freeway entrance, I would just want to remodel it back to it's original beauty, making it a single family home again, and live there forever. But it'll be a great rental.

The problem with our long-term plan of living there one year then buying another rental in the area to owner occupy for a year then tenatively live in Curtis' parent's house while they are on a mission while we build our dream home on a specific lot I have already picked out located in between our new home and Curtis' parent's is that WE LOVE OUR NEW WARD! I never want to leave it! After just 2 times at choir practice I felt like i belonged to some kind of vocal club --- we were all that tight! I have never felt so much love and joy in a ward before. It's incredible!! And even though my dream lot is located just a block from my current ward's meeting house and it's ward boundaries, I don't think it's even in the same stake! That's how wonderfully active this area is! My only hope is the off chance the boundaries somehow drastically change and include my new neighborhood--ha, fat chance-- besides that would then have to exclude the people in the neighborhoods I love (the ward is already large). Okay, maybe somehow we can end up buying something in the ward eventually, but that would require me giving up my dream house ideas. I guess I'll cross that bridge when it comes. Too bad the freeway is so close or I would really stay in our new house. I absolutely love that old house even though most of the beautiful, original architecture has been removed or covered up with terrible paneling. It's just a good feeling I get in it. It's lovely.

Dinner and a Story

2011-05-03T19:22:00.000-06:00

Ron and Myles’ favorite thing to do at dinner (after trying every rambunctiously inappropriate activity first) is to make up stories together.

During their story tonight, when Zaharah and Sterling quieted down and didn’t need to tell me anything, I started listening to their story. They were elaborating back and forth, making up a story about a chip fight. The setting was in the middle of a city where there are square, cement houses, in the middle of three of them. Ron said that a poor man arrived with only one chip and he said that that was the only food he had for his whole family and asked, “What is going on?” Everyone yelled “Chip fight!” He thought about throwing it but it was all he had and chips are food but then all these chips covered him. And he was like “Sweet, now I have all this food for my family.” And he threw three chips and then he left with all but 3 of the chips. Everyone else was like “where did all the chips go?” But then they shrugged and started throwing anyway declaring “invisible chip fight!”

Some guy drove up and opened his door and wondered what was going on with everyone moving about so. But then he got hit by something and realized that they were invisible.

Myles chimed in and said there was a machine making more and more. And Ron said that the machine was cool because you would pretend to put chips in and actual invisible chips would come out. Myles said that a helicopter flew by squirting out root beer and then the machine from the helicopter fell out and it had a button on it that you could push and get any free soda you wanted. Ron said that with every free soda, you got a free pizza too. And there is a Pizza and chip fight but pizza is too yummy so they opened up their mouth.

Then the poor guy came back with the chips and said, “Hey, you can use these.” Then there were invisible and able-to-see-chips. What a party!

They said all this with enthusiasm, evenly flowing without pauses. One eating while the other contributed more of the story. Their minds focused on a junk food party as they ate their asparagus, sweet pepper, broccoli, cauliflower, garlic, red onion dinner. What good sports they were tonight, too focused on their creation taking shape to complain about what yucky food they had (it was actually really good but they would normally say otherwise).

Fever Again

2011-02-07T13:00:00.001-07:00

Myles slept in late this morning; very unusual for one of my boys to do. Finally, it was the latest time I could wake him up and still get him ready for school on time. He didn’t want to get up but finally climbed down his ladder from the top bunk. We all gathered in the family room for scripture and prayer. I thought Myles would be excited because today we started his favorite scriptural book: The Book of Enos. He loves the story about Enos praying such an extensive amount of time. The boys and I had a sweet discussion about the remission of sins and guilt being swept away. Tomorrow we’ll read and discuss praying for others and loving our enemies (as Ron predicted). But even though Myles commented, he laid down on a cushion the whole time, looking flushed—and not very excited.

He said he was sick so I told him to get back in his bed. He didn’t want to move so I picked him up—he was burning up! After finding a temperature of 103, I gave him some Ibuprofen, made a bed for him on the couch, and uncovered his feet. I wished I had someone to take Ron to school. But no one around us goes to their charter school.

I had set up for him to play at his friend’s house today after school. Then we were going to go to the Tree House Museum for our Family Home Evening activity tonight. Sickness sure puts a damper on plans. But it’s also a nice time to take it easy and watch movies together, cuddled on my bed.

We’ve had a lot of time to practice being sick since we moved to Willard. All the children just got over having croup for the last 2 weeks. I hope it’s not starting all over again. But if it is, I’ll make some warm tea and continue cuddling.

TOFW

2011-02-05T19:42:00.001-07:00

Curtis and the children went to McKay's baptism today while I went to my second day of Time Out for Women. I was sad I missed the family event; I love to support McKay. But I had had the tickets already purchased and the plans made with Shelly and Kareena (and baby Link). It was a good time for girly time. Most of all, I was uplifted through the inspiring words of incredible authors/musicians/performers/speakers. I listed it that way because they all seemed to be able to have all these ablilites.

Science Fair

2011-02-01T13:56:00.003-07:00

Ron's Science Fair was today. Very exciting when you are a mother of a science wiz. He won 3rd place. It was hard taking all four children there, though, because all seemed tired and anxious most of the time. I tried to get them excited about all the different experiments the children had done. I was interested in knowing that microwaved water didn't hurt plants more than stove heated water and that neither way had killed the plants. I also gained some great insight into what laundry detergents cleaned best. It turns out that the cheapest ones do just as good of a job at getting out stains.

Ron loves chemical reactions and explosions so he had picked an experiment that went along those lines. He wanted to figure out how to increase the explosive reaction of adding Mentos to Diet Coke. He asked, “Does adding more Mentos make Diet Coke spray higher?” Turns out, one Mentos sprayed 4.5 feet whereas 3 Mentos added to a bottle of Diet Coke made an 11 ft explosion! Way cool.

When we got to the fair I found out that Ron had hid his "Lab Notebook" behind his display. I felt like this was the strongest part of his presentation since it was what he had poured his time and heart into so I was sad the judges hadn't seen it. It had cool drawings and showed his cute handwriting. He had even drawn out the chemical diagram of the carbon dioxide since it's found in Diet Coke. I imagined it was similar to any great scientist's notes. :) Nor did he display is "abstract." It's not that I wanted him to be competitive and just have to win, I just wanted him to display all his hard work.

He actually wasn't very into this project. It's almost as if since it was assigned, he didn't want to do it. Otherwise, he is continually asking scientific questions and trying to find results. It’s interesting that he is good at both science and art.

Forts

2011-01-29T15:28:00.001-07:00

A day of fort making. The livingroom is full of fabric peaks and low valleys. The children are having fun playing house within. Ron has designated a room specific for each of his siblings in the "house" as well as common areas such as a livingroom, "welcome room as they come in" and a hall.

This Blog's New Mission

2011-01-27T09:34:00.001-07:00

This blog is my family's new blog where I post all the fantastic activities in which we participate and all the tender moments we share. It will be like our family's scrapbook... with much journaling. I will record our activities and lives together. The current blogs we have serve as journals. This new blog is our scrapbook—the story of our lives.

Saturday Session of Stake Conference

2010-11-06T21:37:00.004-06:00

Stake conference was so uplifting tonight. I was so glad I went. I had previously planned on going to the first night out with the ladies since I moved to Willard. I had been so excited to go, but Stake Conference definatly comes first. It was wierd to tell the ladies in my ward that I wasn't going to go out with them anymore. I felt self-righteous.

Even though I had pretty high expectations for the talks, I was still pleasantly surprised by them. I love how the visiting authority tends to shake tradition up on Saturday evenings of Stake Coferences. Tonight was no different. Elder Flukmon (sp?) asked two ladies there to sing a duet without prior knowledge that they were going to do so. It was so fun.

At one point he was talking of my ancestor Jedediah Grant’s account of the Spirit World and asked where that was found. Out of no where I piped up and said “Mormon Thunder.” As if I’ve ever read it!!! I don’t make it a practice to read biographies and so have never taken the time. It’s next on my list now, though, just so I can make sure such account is actually in there. I guess my sub-conscious figured that such an important account would be found in his biography. But my conscious brain quickly reminded myself that I should keep my mouth quiet and I probably didn’t know what I was talking about anyway.

Oh, I just looked it up on Half.com, where I buy all my books because it’s so much cheaper, and there’s good news and bad. The good news is that 1. I got the title right and 2. My very own ancestor was such an amazing man that this book is still in print. The bad news is that it’s $40 for the cheapest one!!! I’ll have to raid my father’s library and settle for a ‘70’s printing.

When I yelled out right there from the center of the chapel, the elder responded “Oh, you would like to speak, would you?” And I, of course, bashfully hid my face for a moment as to appear normal. But the truth is, I wouldn’t have been scared at all to go right up there and share my feeling about the Savior. It’s interesting to me that I had to feign worried so I would appear normal. And it’s especially interesting to me that I wouldn’t be scared to do so since I very well know that I wouldn’t have anything great to say (I’ve born my testimony many times on Fast Sunday. I feel the spirit and go on up only to find that I can’t think of anything to say and so my testimony sounds much like that of a young child). God gave me the ability to be comfortable in front of crowds; I wonder if He’ll ever give me anything worthwhile to do when I’m up there. I suppose that’ll have to be a talent earned through hard work.

The first talk of the evening was by my bishop’s wife. She is an amazing lady and a book smart lady. What I love most about her is that I sense that she is a woman of great growth in her life. She has no air of authority but she seems secure in the Savior’s love.

She spoke on our stewardships in this life. I felt a great desire to try a little harder in motherhood. I pictured myself reporting to the Lord someday about what I did with what and who I was entrusted. I thought of my impressionable children and desired so much to be a better mother. I felt the responsibility of teaching of the gospel rest heavy on me for a moment but shook off the pitty feeling and counted my blessings.

She quoted Doctrine and Covenants 64:33 which says: “Wherefore, be not weary in well-doing, for ye are laying the foundation of a great work. And out of small things proceedeth that which is great.” She reminded us that we can’t tell which seeds we sow will fall on fertile ground so we sow much and hope some will make a difference. As I teach my children, I bet most of the scriptures we read and lessons taught in FHE will go unnoticed, but some may stick. Some may grow in their hearts and bring them great joy.

She related a personal story of the weekly visits she gave to 6+ inactive Young Women for 4 years and how they never once came to church despite her efforts. Then, years later, she happened to meet one of them in the temple. What joy she had. She wept with joy as she recounted that joyous meeting. I got teary and wanted to weep too. What joy I felt as I imagine such a beautiful spiritual moment.

Next, that 70 authority spoke. He said that if you haven’t had the chance to marry in this life, not to worry because EVERYONE who has the desire to have the blessings of the New and Everlasting Covenant who lives worthily of it will have it (all that the Father hath).

He also boldly stated that the greatest teaching in all the gospel is found in D&C 131-132.

He counseled to not let the things of this world get in the way of what’s best. My children need to feel the Lord’s spirit in the home. They need to learn the gospel in the safety of the home where there’s Love and Trust.

First Snow

2010-10-26T17:11:00.004-06:00

The snow was balled up but not hail. It fell gracefully, just in a fist. Our first snow!!!! At the announcement by 6 year old Myles, the boys and I all screamed and ran outside onto our front deck overlooking the bay. We jumped around in place in circles with our hands up trying to alert the heavens that "It's Snowing!" "It's Snowing!"

Sixteen months old Zaharah toddled her way outside with that curious smile of hers, trying to figure out what all the excitement was about. I gathered a few balls to show her.

We were all coatless and freezing---we hadn't the time to look for gear. But the frigid air only added to the excitement.

As the children made their way back into the heated house, I moved a large rock to the side of the obviously dying weeping birch to help hold it up (smashing my right index finger again but not hard enough to loose a nail). The recent storm sent the tree's slender height to a 45 degree angle. I keep caring for it and loving it even though at first planting the roots showed no hope.

I do so love looking at a birch. I planted this one right outside the huge picture window, next to the front walkway. When one tires of looking at the sunset, they would be able to feast on the pale green puzzle pieces of the bark. Is it okay to pray for a tree? Not really life changing if it lives; but it would be nice.

La La La La Lola

2010-10-20T23:16:00.004-06:00

I’m not the world’s most passionate gal, but I know what love is and how to infuse it with all my force into whatever I set my moment on. With Pandora’s sweet mix playing in my pocket, the soundtrack of my life is now in Technicolor –of sound. Cleaning the kitchen with a strong downbeat and vocal chords vibrating—a skip back before I bend to pick up the burrito Z threw from her highchair to the floor.

Characters in films and novels would have us believe that life isn’t worth living without passion. Even though I love that feeling—it’s energizes, excites and motivates me—it’s not the ultimate like you feel from God and there are many people who live perfectly lovely dull lives. In fact, I think the more passionate you are, the more absolutely crazy you are. It seems the more I give into that sweet abyss of heart-swelling colors and zing-zang splendor, the less logical, thoughtful of others, responsible, and on-time I am. I end up flowing from one moment to the next looking for the next emotionally art-driven high.

Curtis is very logical. He has taught me a lot. He has kept me from diving right into the crazy chasm. I think I’ll coin that phrase; at least as an inside joke with myself.

I actually don’t know where to draw the line; I am not sure where it’s healthy to stand. Too stiff is so rigid and too flowy is entirely too foolishly fanatical.

I actually feel something within my chest area when I view, hear, or create exciting art or passionate living. Something I like. Something I would live for if I had not felt something totally different from God within that same chest cavity. And yet they most certainly can coincide. They most certainly can complement and promote each other. In fact, I believe God gave us these passions as a beautiful gift. But we must learn to control them and not let them control us. But now that gets into this bizarre abstract area that I don’t know how to follow. The thoughts through this room elude me. It seems there’s no gravity through this door I’ve chosen to explore and I haven’t a path to follow or the training to understand this area of comprehension.

Help Me Help Them on Their Way Home

2010-09-22T20:50:00.005-06:00

In preparation of choosing this week’s hymns for RS, I listened to President Eyring’s talk in the April 2010 conference entitled: Help Them on Their Way Home. I was able to find it on my cool new phone with an app called “Mormon Channel.” After sticking the ear pieces in, I washed out my 15 month-old’s diarrhea from her onesie, cleaned up the nice pile of poop my two-year-old thought it would be okay to leave on our new grass outside, washed out our kitchen garbage can (might as well while I’m touching everything else icky) and did the dishes while I listened (I got through it 1.5 times). I didn’t have any pockets so it was kinda embarrassing when I had to take the phone out of the front of my bra to push pause in front of the salesman that came to the door. I don't know how long he had been there since I never did hear him but was wondering why Sterling was trying to open the door so I checked.

As I listened, I felt such a strong responsibility to rear up my children in righteousness. I also had a strong desire to call my husband to this duty. I have been rearing the children alone in spiritual matters, although he is quite supportive. When there are priesthood responsibilities, I have to have one of the grandpas come help us. Or other relatives. Ned gave the two youngest and I blessings on Saturday night since we all had the flu. I really appriciated it. I was so glad we had the priesthood in the extended family. My oldest is only 3 years away from getting it too!

I decided to just have us all watch this talk for FHE (we had it two days late this week because I haven’t put that Monday night reminder in yet into my new phone. Yes, even though we have FHE all together every week, with 4 little ones climbing on me constantly, I need an alarm to tell me that it’s Monday again).

The lesson in Relief Society this Sunday is on this talk. As the Music Director I choose which hymns we sing each week and have them go along with the lesson. There is no practice hymn since it's Fast Sunday (a week early due to General Conference). I choose for the opening song: hymn # 307 "In Our Lovely Deseret" and for closing, hymn # 304 "Teach Me to Walk in the Light." I think that opening song will be interesting. I have never sang it before. So I'll have to learn it well this week so I can belt it out so the other ladies can hear and feel more confident. It won't be hard since Relief Society isn't highly attended.

Running the Mile

2010-09-05T17:02:00.005-06:00

I began my run today as usual with Curtis and I going around our driveway. Six times around our driveway is a mile (a steep mile). He usually doesn't make the whole mile but I keep going anyway. It's fun to do when the sun is not yet over the mountain beating down on you. After a mile I go into the garage and do another mile on the treadmill. I figure it's different muscles and I like to mix it up to keep me interested. I don't have a consistent running partner even though I have done everything I can to get one including placing an ad on KSL and putting a sticky note on the role at church. And I don't have an IPOD or any other convenient means of listening to music so I've gotta do something to keep it interesting. I love to run outside but the monotony of the circular driveway gets old.

I have had such a great time trying to beat my time everyday. Just doing a 10 minute mile kills me which is interesting since I did that without a dying effort in the race recently.

I should make a chart or something so I can view my progress. This morning I ran a half-mile (not a whole one on the treadmill since Curtis came out and needed my help with the kids) in 4 min 31 seconds. It's a speed that I can't keep up for an entire mile. Usually I start out fast, like at 7 miles per hour and then drop it down within the first quarter mile and then down to 4 miles per hour after the half-mile mark. My favorite 2 speeds are 4 mph and 7. I really just like to fluctuate back and forth (one minute at a time) but usually make myself go 6 mph for awhile when I want to drop it down esp. during the first half since I'm trying so hard to stay under a 10 min mile.

My knee hasn't been giving me a hard time but I've been careful to stop running and start my walking cool down anytime it hurts. I really want a brace for it, hoping that helps.

My first day back after the race was Tuesday since I took a week brake due to my knee and then Ron's first day at the Montessori school was Monday and I had to take him to the store beforehand to get school supplies. The first timed mile was 10 min 12 sec. I would have made the goal but had forgotten about the discrepancy between the 6 sections of time vs. the 10 sections of a mile when I was watching them closely. I had to do both miles on the treadmill that day since I started running after everyone was at school/work and didn't have anyone to watch Zaharah and Sterling. My second mile I did in 12 min and 40 sec (total of 2 miles: 22 min 52 sec).

The next day after I walked one lap around my driveway and ran the mile around, I made it to the garage for my timed lap. I made sure I remembered about the discrepancy of time vs. miles but at the very end when I was pushing it as fast as I could to make up for the time I walked, my knee started hurting so I had to slow it down and I ended up with the exact same time again!

Thursday's time was exactly 10 minutes and Friday I did it with a whole 3 seconds to spare! It seems like slow progress but that's in only a week! Just think of where I can be in a year.

I am running with the motive of a healthy body. I just feel much healthier when I do. Curtis says he could care less about exercise except for his heart--so I'm glad he runs with me some. I don't have any desire to run a marathon as I feel it may push my beyond what is healthy. But I would like to pepper my life with 5Ks, increasing my time with each one.

Rain Storm

2010-08-30T13:23:00.000-06:00

Insurmountable joy feels me when I take in all the sweet wetness of a Utah downpour. Just beyond the water’s reach, I sit on the porch and observe. Prior to having children, I would have been apart of this wet scene, dancing with outstretched arms and upward turned face, but I’m much more practical now.

I suppose God’s love not only touches us deeply when we feel compassion or hear undeniable truths, but also when there is beauty to be recognized before us. The beauty of the land He created for us; an archetype of His brilliant love.

I watch a spotted spider descend from the leaking rain gutters to the wet cement below; her body gliding about 5 inches at a time and pausing then repeating the motion. Once arrived she sits motionless for quite some time; too long to still be drinking, she must, like I, be enjoying her soothed senses with the scene and sounds before her. Together we look out to the crisp, grey valley below.

5K

2010-08-21T21:40:00.003-06:00

I ran my first race today. It was a free 5K. I loved it. I ran it in 32 minutes--kinda funny since it's 3.2 miles---so a perfect 10 min mile (3.2 times). I didn't push it as hard as I could have due to my knee. On the walk back to the car I kept it straight. I felt silly limping away. Good thing I didn't know anyone there.

Cedar City

2010-08-07T16:25:00.000-06:00

The Lovely Ladies In My Lovely Family Eating Out

Chatting in the Hotel Room
I love that Mama!

The Ladies All Properly Poised
All the Ladies in my Paternal Extended Family that Went to Cedar City 2010.

Eating Out My Aunt Ann on the Right and Two of Her Daughters in the Center

Dancing Alone

2010-07-22T22:05:00.005-06:00

When our children are grown, I’m having my paints out all the time. Messy, huge messes—half-completed unuser-friendly canvases skewed about near the largest windows in the house. Curtis is so tolerant of me. I think I would be painting right now if it weren’t so much work. Everyone’s asleep; something that will claim me soon. And therefore I won’t get it all out, for then I will have to put it all away—stealing away time that belongs to the company of my bed—horizontal, unconscious dates with my hubby man. And besides, last time I painted at that painting group, the dude said I needed some other products to successfully care for my brushes. Silly I am listening. I’ve been using oils for years without them. And since I can’t remember what the products are, I’ve retired the brushes from use. Won’t it be strange when I’m not so tired anymore? I wonder what I will do with my energy? Hopefully be something of a wonder resembling at least somewhat my heroine and older sister Cathy.

Cathy has all the energy in the world to organize her time, cupboards, closets, drawers, kids’ schedules/classes, her callings and every other responsibility including a clean house! How is this possible? My other sister and I pondered this anomaly the other day and threw out possible causes. Chris said it must be due to her very supportive husband who works minimally with a great income (is a dentist). He comes from a large family and knows how to manage one well.

I think that there may be many factors that contribute to such beautiful living but no doubt in my mind there must be God’s influence there. No one could do so much, be so calm, enjoy every silly minute, have time to read their phone manual and understand it, lovingly raise 8 children under the age of 13 without God’s power making that possible. Although she keeps her verbal testimony a secret (much to my surprise to find in my very own heroine), it is apparent that she has a firm understanding of God’s plan and what that means in her daily life.

Over the Valley by Pink Martini is cranked. Such a great band. Absolutely Fantastic. When I clicked on Audio on their website, http://pinkmartini.com/home/, I had to get up and dance, all alone, right next to my computer. My office corner suddenly became dimly lit and ornate--as my swinging torsoe dragged my toe along my carpet, it became a wood floor with deep chocolate tones, a hand carved fir. Then, during Amado Mio, spotlights of red and green appeared to accentuate my jerky head whips and purposeful torsoe movements!

Rental Property Cleaning

2010-06-28T00:01:00.004-06:00

We've been incredibly busy lately trying to get the rental building we bought all fixed up and ready for our waiting renters. We had hired a contractor but he didn't do his work. We’re willing to just do the job ourselves at this point so we don’t keep loosing rent --and pay him anyway since he seems he wants to go go court. We've sure learned a lot about being careful to hire honest workers in the future). So Curtis and I have been working out there trying to get it done so the new renters can move in on Tuesday (almost one month late since the contractor was so tardy).

I paid the two gals that rent our basement apartment $70 (off of their rent) to come help me clean on Friday. And Curtis worked about 7 hours yesterday and all afternoon and night tonight.
Here's the exciting bit: tonight at Curtis' niece’s birthday party, I was explaining to Curtis' siblings why he wasn't there. Well, they piped up and all wanted to help. Curtis' brother went right over there to help him even though it's Sunday. And they're both still there working even though it is after midnight and Curtis has a 12 hour nursing workday tomorrow! And Curtis' brother's wife wants to watch my kids for me when I go clean again tomorrow night. And his sister wants to come with me to help me and a teenager I hired to help me clean. What a family!!! I love them very much--even if they didn't help me clean. It's really hard for me to let them help when it's a business pursuit instead of our own personal home. I then feel like they're helping our investment business grow but doing so without pay. But we could use all the help we can get right now. How service-minded they are.

Another exciting bit is that we are learning quite a bit about business by making poor choices but since this property was purchased at such a good price and paid for in cash, we aren't making any choices that we can't fully recover from. Next time we'll be pickier about hiring an honest bloke. Also, we have learned that I'm the one to handle the negotiations and contract writing. I can't believe just how assertive I have become--in a loving way, of course. :) Well, I'd be off to bed. Exciting, fun times ahead and I don't want to be too groggy to appreciate them.

Superlative Sisters!

2010-06-15T17:01:00.015-06:00

Superlative Relatives! {I had to put that as a subheading since it's fun to say out loud 10 times}

I invited my two sisters over today. It had just been too long since we played together. They are so much fun. They live just 40 min from me now (in opposite directions). Chris told us of her interesting new develpments in her quest for the ultimate earthly knowledge and I quizzed Cathy on her ability to parent so lovingly and effectively. Chris broght her five youngest and Cathie brought her 8.

Everyone loves Cathie. Look at all the kids wanting her attention. Look how attentively she empathizes with thier stories:

Cathie is way electronically savvy. She knows how to use her phone well. She's always has some fantastic silly children's song to play for us.
My little Sterling and Aunt Cathie are best buds! They really have a unique bond:
Look at the way everyone in the room seeks for her attention. Of course her best bud Sterling gets much!

Mine and Chris' youngest:
Both are girls and they almost have the same birthday! They share! I'll try yours.

And you try mine.

The hands are yummy!

We also had an absolute BLAST dancing to folk children's music:

Here we are eating lunch as a picnic in my family room. I was going to take them on a small hike and eat on the mountian overlooking the water but it was a surpisingly cold & wet Spring day.

Families are Great! Us is the stuff!

Going Red

2010-06-09T22:05:00.007-06:00

I suppose posterity would like some visual reference to our family life. I don't usually put pictures on my blog but if I ever end up printing it off I suppose I'll go back and add a bunch. Pictures are interesting; they tell so much. This photo isn't just about my adorable kids and I, it also shows how lovely the weeds are just outside our front window. I love to watch them sway in the breeze. I suppose we'll have to take them out someday but for now they make a great place to hide and make-believe with the kids.
This is Sterling and I on the front porch. From there you can see over all the rooftops to the water below and mountian range beyond:
Myles (only 6) is becoming quite the photographer. He took this one of me today and I hardly know who the girl is in it 'cause I look so good:

BEFORE HAIRCUT AND COLOR today: AFTER HAIRCUT AND COLOR: Curtis' sister does my hair for free. Any color, cut and style I want--anytime I want. I do like to change my color. But today it was all for Curtis. He likes it when I go red.

Minute Details of Daily Life

2010-06-09T07:23:00.002-06:00

Writing for posterity might include that I bought $70 of shredded cheese yesterday at Costco (7 5-lb bags at $10 a piece) when we have no money for a proper trip to the grocery store. I did so to save the $14 extra I would have spent on that same amount of cheese at my nearby Smiths Grocery.

I don’t know if the American Dollar will even exist by the time posterity might read or what it will be worth but this shows a snapshot into time and the frugality I possess.

We do eat a lot of cheese. But since I’ve only been buying shredded cheese lately due to the higher prices on block cheese, we’ve only been using it in dinner meals (shredded cheese on sandwiches is less desirable). I think we go through almost a 5 lb bag every week. That includes the cheese toppings on 2 pizzas that I make every Pizza Movie Night (recently changed from Thursdays to Fridays because Ron had a theater class on Thursdays plus Fridays are easier to justify a later night during the school year).

We almost finish off a loaf of bread daily for lunch and a whole box of cereal for breakfast. We drink about 3-4 gallons of milk per week (mostly for breakfast). If my oldest sister were to hear of this, she would worry about our health. She and her nutritionist husband believe in only eating raw food. No cooked bread, no dairy, no meat, etc.

When I was at that bulk store yesterday (I would never buy a membership but just go with others like my mother-in-law, which action is perfectly following the rules at the store), I also stocked up on the essentials like toilet paper and diapers. Although we’re almost out of fruits and veggies and other essential meal-preparation items, we can survive. We still have our food storage which is food we actually eat.

I just can’t seem to get a handle on our budget. Every month I have to dip into our $1000 overdraft protection. This month I used all of it! This is paycheck to paycheck living, scrimping just to until we get paid again! No savings! But we are not using credit cards at all! Yipee! We pay hundreds per month just on the interest of our current credit cards! Just think how we will be able to get by once they are paid off.

We have never been extravagant spenders and most of the time we’ve made enough to get by so it’s absurd we have so much debt. It did start out when we really didn’t have any other way to pay for life. When Curtis was studying for the retake of the Nclux and in school and I couldn’t work because I was pregnant and already had a toddler. I wonder if I should have worked temporarily instead of thinking we could always pay it off later. I wonder if I should have put my foot down when he wanted to buy the Dodge Durango. I wonder what would have happened if we had figured out a debt payment plan when we lived on the coast for 1.5 years. There we had low rent and were making more than we had ever had. We could have quickly paid down our debt instead of acquiring more! Then, with that plan/goal in mind I may have been able to talk Curtis into buying a small house instead of one we could barely afford (our first home, a historic home we loved inland one hour in Oregon). I wonder what would have happened if I had been in charge of the budget during that first and third year there. We’ve learned a lot. I suppose I’ll always be in charge of it now. I hope one day the numbers don’t seem like a foreign language to me.

I really want to figure out a plan to pay those credit cards off. I want to set a goal and know that we won’t have any more debt besides our house—say, in 5 years. If I could get us out of debt in 5 years, then I could give Curtis much more per month so he could save up for a car that he most certainly wants (he'd buy a different car every year if I didn't hold him back). That’d be awesome. I hope I can figure it out. Right now it seems we are scrimping so much and yet I’m sure it’s not making nearly as much difference as it could if I could set up parameters and a standard and goals and direction. Instead of this do-without all-the-time and then occasionally just buying cause we’re sick of doing without.

What Makes a Journal?

2010-06-07T14:56:00.002-06:00

I woke up feeling much better than yesterday from this head cold. I have a tenancy to get long-term sinus infections, the last one keeping me out for almost a month, so this feeling has been a bit of an annoyance.

But since I felt better I was off, up the mountain. Curtis and Zaharah were still asleep and I had my phone if they needed me. In Utah, the vegetation is so sparse you don’t need a trail to go hiking. But I have noticed the wild plants getting thicker as the summer progresses. My familiar course up the rocks taking on a whole new landscape.

I took samples of the wildflowers, purple and yellow, and their accompanying leaves so that I might look up their names. I have some strange desire to know although I can’t determine any function for knowing. As I climbed in solitaire, taking snapshots of the organic shapes and rocky paths, I must have forgotten that my time would already be called for once I got home—consuming me the entire day save for a few minutes just before Zaharah and Sterling wake up from their naps, moments when I take time for scripture study, prayer and my favorite pastime: writing in this journal.

I can hardly remember those quiet moments of this morning; certainly I must write everyday if I desire to hold onto any precious event in my life.

When leaders/teachers talk of journal writing at church I get the feeling that these entries don’t add up. Writing of the activities we do as a family is a bore. Sure I like doing them, but they’re no fun to write about.

I like to write about my feelings and values. I like to spend this time discovering what is happening in my mind. This is productive for me. I’m not really sure what the purpose for writing is other than that. I suppose I could look back and see how I’ve progressed, what I’ve learned, and how my seemingly insurmountable problems were for but a moment. But if this is for posterity, I should write the stories.

There are some great stories in my past. The story of how my parents didn’t know what to do with such a free thinker and they threatened me with foster care. The story of how I don’t know what to do with my Ron since he’s such a free thinker but I like to think I’ve learned from my parent’s mistakes. The story of my attendance on every adult activity my parents were at such as the pioneer trail adventure for seniors, bus tour guide included. The story of how I can’t wait until Myles is old enough to accompany me on all the outings to which I want to go but don’t want to attend alone (Myles loves to go places and experience new things—once he quietly sat through an entire YW fireside with me just so he could go somewhere. and he was only about 4). The question is, when I write these stories from the past, should I post them at the date they happened or at the date I write them? Should I erase all those posts I created to vent and all those posts I wrote when I felt small, insignificant and was trying to get a hold of the world around me? Should I con my posterity into thinking I was a SUPERSTAR? that I never doubted, never feared, never failed to hope? that my husband and I never felt distant, that he remained a strong priesthood holder, that I had all the patience in the world for him??? Should I say that being a mother is constantly rewarding and that I never loose my cool? Should I just write about the activities of the day: the flowerbox I planted, the trips we went on, the new recipes I learn? “This is this; that is that.” –The Little Mermaid

Each Son Earns $100

2010-06-03T11:27:00.006-06:00

We sold Katy (our 10 month old white Lab) just hours after posting her on KSL. We had bought her for $100 but sold her for $300. But I had trained her and she really was a great dog. The new owners love her. We did an open adoption so we can still go see her. They are empty nesters who love to camp in tents and go hiking so they can give her tonz of attention. They had a male Lab the same coloring that just died after 13 years. They love how energetic Katy is and how she loves to play catch.

We gave each of the boys $100 from the sale. Each of them paid $10 to tithing and we had Sterling save the rest. The older two boys got to decide the fate of their $90 with the usual requirement that they save 10%. So Ron only put $10 in savings but Myles wanted to put $90. At the bank I was trying to get Ron to save more and Myles to save less. I talked Myles into just saving $80 since I knew he would be sad when we went to the store next and Ron had so much money to spend. I did so by getting the $10 in "gold coins" (the shiny new $1 pieces).

Then we went to McDonald's since that's where they wanted to go next. I explained what was a good buy for their money so Myles bought only $1 items. Ron didn't care and bought the 20 piece chicken nuggets anyway. I was surprised when he finished them and a hamburger off. Then Ron wanted to go to Wal-mart. When we got there we realized that we had only had to make that one stop since Wal-mart included their bank and a McDonald's! But they did have fun playing in McDonald's for an hour (after which I had to carry the two youngest out screaming and flaying).

At Wal-Mart Ron bought a toy superhero hamster and the rest was spent on Pokeymon cards (baseball card trading idea). Myles was sad he only had $5 to spend. I helped him see there were many items for under $5. Unfortunatly none of the toys he wanted (esp the most wanted Buzz Lightyear) were under that amount. So he bought some Strawberry ice cream and fruit snacks and had a dollar plus some left over.

Well, kinda a fun experience. I hope they learned something. I hope Myles feels rewarded for saving so much. I am proud of him.

I Want to Read Again

2010-05-21T15:49:00.003-06:00

Since we got Netflix streaming a couple of months ago I have been watching entirely too many movies!!! I want to read books again. It feels better. I almost feel nauseated with how many movies and TV shows online that I watch.

Books entertain me as well but without the guilt. Besides, reading books helps validate the personification of someone intelligent I try to exhibit. I really should start a book club. Things holding me back: lack of intellectuals that I have noticed in the area (if I invite the average Jane to discussion she might interpret my critical comments as being negative instead of inquisitive), lack of energy, lack of motivation to try anything new.

But I do love to read when it’s a great book. I just haven’t had any great books in my grasp of late. Every time I have visited the nearby library it has been closed (small town thing where it’s only open like 2 hours per day on odd days. It’s just as small of a town as my last one but people there made education a priority).

I like books rich with exciting adjectives that carry you away to the scene on the page. I don’t have to have a happy ending, but it must be resolved. I can find resolution in death as I have faith in joyful afterlives for everyone. I do not like fantasy or murder mysteries and have no tolerance for horror or lust. The best is character building page in and page out. The exciting mystery is discovering the person within.

Thoughts and Actions

2010-05-14T11:04:00.002-06:00

Categorizing ways of thought and contemplating which would be most effective in my life. Readdressing questions I have already considered. Is this a waste of time? I think not. Although I may have come to a conclusion on the matter in the past, my understanding now can further the thoughts on the matter or at least reaffirm what I had found as a truth in the past.

I am constantly looking for answers; seeking out truth. I am grateful for the access I have to the circumscriber of all truth.

I can hear my thoughts as I spoon feed the rice cereal in Zaharah's mouth. With the music turned off, my mind flies around visiting areas of contemplation. But am I using my time wisely in this stance? Am I adequately connecting with my daughter? My gaze isn't directed at her eyes, my face isn't a glow with delight for her to respond to.

A Life of Meaning with This Good Man

2010-05-10T14:00:00.004-06:00

Why did he ever want to marry me? My husband is so kind and handsome. And here he is married to a woman who hardly notices her reflection. If I spend more than 10 minutes in front of a mirror in the morning, I consider it a waste of time. He did, at least, fulfill his strong desire to not marry someone who would stress and complain about their physical appearance.

In fact, as I prepared to get into the shower this morning, I looked into the mirror and liked how cute and messy my hair was. Usually I take out the knots I tie in my hair and brush it before I shower (practical: to keep hair from going down the drain). But since we’ve all been sick lately and I haven’t had time to shower, my hair was a beautiful mess. I debated weather I should just let it continue its path of unbrushed waves and refrain from conditioning it or brushing it but rather after my showers just tie more knots to my desire. I ran it passed the Lord’s counsel and decided that it doesn’t say anywhere that one must brush and condition their hair in order to take care of the beautiful body with which we have been blessed.

Curtis said he would prefer I didn’t have dreadlocks. Bless his heart, he’s so good about not pushing his style on me—plus he doesn’t seem to care much for fashion—he would love me the same regardless. We are an odd pair but we make a great team. We enjoy each other's company so much and are undyingly devoted and in love with each other.

As he combed his hair this morning while I showered, I philosophized to him through the shower curtain about the meaning of life and how I think that understanding our shortcomings can give us power to be accomplished by using the means we do have available. Distinct people's strengths can lead them through different avenues to the same end result when applying this idea. But if we see how other's did it and focus on our inability to share that path (be it emotional, financial, social etc deficits that stand in our way), we may remain immovable in our discouragement, stagnant to wallow in our shortcomings.

When I was done with my thought he let me know of his physical plans for the day and departed with his love. It kind of threw me off balance in my mind for a moment since I had in that instant departed the physical reality around me as I was considering life's purpose and mission.

I can’t wait to find friends here in Utah that would like to philosophize about the meaning of life, truth, art, etc. But it seems all these housewives find it a waste of time to just get together to have fun. It has to be a church run activity or at least something where they learn something or they cannot justify leaving their family for a moment. Please say that I have grossly errored in this assessment!

I love my husband tremendously but I would like to spend time doing my interests as well. Since we don’t share any of the same interests, I think I must start up another Ladies Night Out. This one in UT. I wonder how it will work since everyone seems to be so extreme in their pastimes. Either church activities every night of the week or out partying (or there’s a third extreme where they spend extraneously huge amounts of time and effort pampering and beautifying themselves). Maybe I’ll have to put an ad on KSL.com “looking for a coffee-shop friend, hopefully not a coffee drinker: LDS.”

I absolutely eat up sitting around with friends, listening to great music and sharing the meaning each of us has found behind the truths we have discovered throughout our adventures. I am validated in this pastime, discovering that there are others who rationalize as I do and delight in the poetry of such conversations. What kinship can be found!

And yet I am grateful every day for the fortune I have found in this good man. We may not be able to share this kind of bond, but what binds us is much stronger, much deeper. I am sealed to him for eternity. It’s a marital promise thing. And even though I was young and stupid when I met him, Someone must have been looking out for me and helped me cross paths with such a good man.

I am grateful that he keeps me grounded to the physical needs around us. Without him, I may be a poet on a street corner, whipping out sketches of passerbys for the means for my next meal. Instead of constantly thinking about life’s meaning, he helps me have meaning in my life by insisting that a home well-kept is a better arena for our family moments together.

Doing dishes, folding laundry, wiping runny noses… these may seem like meaningless tasks but keeping up on these provides much harmony in family life. Family life: now that a life with meaning.

Obabma's Be Lazy Campaign

2010-05-10T13:41:00.000-06:00

A sense of entitlement is what Obama’s reign seems to have provided Americans. In a recent article stating what the richest man in the world’s most priceless gifts to his son were, one was refraining from teaching entitlement.

It states: “People who are born with a silver spoon in their mouth can fall victim to what Buffett said his father has called a "silver dagger in your back," which leads to a sense of entitlement and a lack of personal achievement.”
Warren Buffett’s son said: "Entitlement is the worst thing ever and I see entitlement coming in many guises. Anybody who acts like they deserve something 'just because' is a disaster."

I think Obama is teaching that those without a silver spoon are entitled to everything. They deserve more. I think this definitely will lead to a lazier nation. As people work less for what they want, our nation will become weak. Maybe that’s the evil plan behind those pupetering our president. Probably not. Either way doesn’t make much difference to me. The rise and fall of this great nation is important to me but not one I feel I have much influence over and therefore don’t concern myself much with.

Social trends and even propaganda will continue. We can see from history what chaos comes from the lower classes trying to get what ‘they deserve.’ They violently take away what is others and the classes switch. It doesn’t do any good and destroys a lot in the process. Not that anything like that is happening now. But if it is, I could care less. If it does I suppose I’ll hide out in the mountains eating my food storage.

So what’s the motive of Obama’s Be Lazy campaign? Maybe just to win votes; who knows.

Sister Spotlight on Me

2010-05-03T22:16:00.002-06:00

A RS lady contacted me about being the sister spotlighted in our ward for this month. Only the sisters get spotlighted apparently, even though the whole ward reads it.

She gave me a list of in depth questions to answered. I didn't get past the second one before deciding that it would be much more interesting if I answered them in story form. I skipped a few questions such as favorite color; ones that were boring to me to write about and since the story of my life was already entirely too long. When I sent it in I preceded with a request to let me know how long it should be so I could edit it down. She liked it just how it was. She also wanted a picture to remind our ward of who I was. Below is the picture I sent her. It doesn't fit the requirement well since it's so close that you can't see my hair much, but it's practically the only one I have of me recently that would work at all (I'm usually the one behind the camera when the countless pictures are taken in our home--I'm not camera shy just the only one who cares to carry around the dang contraption and try to capture the moment and/or beauty). So anyway, here's what I wrote:

Asia Snow
Born in SLC, youngest of five children, Asia searched diligently to find her place in the world. With her highly academic parents being later in years and over a seven year gap between her and closest sibling, her childhood possessed an unusual array of family outings. Instead of Disneyland and camping, her weekends were filled with symphonies, the theater and sophisticated parties in which she was the only child present. To keep quiet where children were not meant to be heard, Asia learned to draw. She carried around mini notebooks all through her childhood and well into her married life where she wrote her exasperating thoughts and scratching out her silly sketches of an exaggerated world.

Asia has had the experience of living and visiting many places around the world. When she was 3, her parents moved their family to Texas where they were mission presidents for three years. At age 11, since her 2 brothers and 2 sisters were all grown up, her parents moved from Salt Lake where her dad had worked in the Church Office Building to Provo where he then worked as a Director of Training in the MTC. When Asia was barely 14, she moved to Quebec as an exchange student for a year after which she stayed put for awhile. She attended BYU, studying whatever her heart desired while majoring in Visual Art and then Social Work.

When Curtis purposed to Asia as she sat on his lap Christmas evening over 10 years ago, no one would have guessed how perfectly their broad differing in behavior and interests would bring out the best in each other through the years. Asia’s vitality for life, willingness to search out adventures, and passion for the arts and literature has opened up whole new genres of interest of which Curtis was otherwise unaware. Curtis’ kind, loving nature and ability to communicate effectively even in high stressed situations has taught Heather to think before reacting and monitor what she says. Asia’s lifetime fear of guns being viewed as symbols of murder, power, and repression was turned to acceptance and all anxiety ceased when Curtis explained his love of their mechanics and compared them to her passion for art. With so many couples fighting head to head, it is such a relief to witness a couple ever increasing with love for one another.

For their honeymoon they quit their jobs and let whatever whim of interest direct their road trip. They slept in church parking lots, along the sides of long stretches of highway and in an interesting new friend’s residence as they made their way across Oregon, up the coast, through Washington, and just over the boarder into Canada. Curtis had never gone so long without a shower. Yet with Asia’s regular backpacking trips and her frequenting with artist focused on their work, she was accustomed to greasy hair.

Into their marriage only a year, Curtis wanted children earlier than they had previously planned. Asia was excited by the prospect but knowing that once they started, children would take precedence in their lives for 25+ years, she declared: “not until I see the world!” They toured Europe that summer, experiencing 11 countries and were pregnant before Christmas with Ron who is now 8.

When their second son (Myles- now 6) was 6 months old, Curtis graduated from the U of U with a Bachelors in Nursing. They next day they moved to the most romantic place of which they could envision: a little town they had researched and visited in west Oregon. It proved to be even lovelier than they had idealized.

They bought their dream home: a 1908 beautifully restored historic Craftsman. Asia was quickly swept into the progressive intellectual and creative movements of the town. She taught hip hop dance and art classes for children, baking classes for adults and baked rolls from home for the local café. She hosted bookclub monthly during her children’s naptime, was a member of the art guild and participated at the community gardens. She also promoted live music and festivals in her town. She had her home decorated to the hilt for the town’s Historic Home Christmas Tour soon after their 3rd son (Sterling- now 2) was born. She volunteered with a non-profit organization in town that covered many needs of the community including a thrift store, united way food for needy, and a preschool playgroup. She had her own column in the local newspaper that covered the activities of that organization and gave snapshots into the lives of the main contributors. She also covered many of the other events in town.

After enjoying five easy years of glorious weather, plants that practically grew themselves, and trees thicker than a Utah rainstorm, the Lord had a new plan for the Snows. After confirmation that they should uproot their family and move back to Utah, the Snows advanced towards their move without knowing why or how it would turn out. In a steadily declining economy, the Lord sold their house relatively easily and found them a remarkably striking mountain to live on right during a difficult pregnancy and new baby (their first girl: Zaharah- now 10 months old).

The Snows have been so pleased with the company they have been blessed to become acquainted with in this ward. They love how down-to-earth and faithful everyone is. They are also so thankful to be near family again and enjoy the benefits/resources available by being surrounded by so many latter-day saints!

Asia’s most embarrassing moment was as a teenager when she finally got to live a lifetime dream of singing in a rock band. When the music started on that spotlighted stage, she froze in fright. After basically just mouthing the words the entire song for fear that her voice would squeak out the wrong pitch, the lead guitarist demanded an explanation. She tearfully asked a friend for a quick ride home, so ashamed of her performance (BTW thanks for not demanding an explanation when I missed my notes at the Christmas party—quite embarrassing as well).

I want to write in first person now as I tell you some of my personal feelings. My favorite callings have been RS teacher and branch missionary since I had the opportunity to constantly share the gospel in both settings. I know Christ can heal even the most wounded hearts. He lifts us when we are fallen if we will turn to Him. I have felt His strength in some of the toughest times of my life. I know families are eternal. I love being a mother and having the opportunity to stay home with my kidos. I know God’s plan was not thwarted by the taking of the forbidden fruit but was rather being fulfilled. I know that even though there is so much sadness and strife on Earth, this really is a plan of happiness, a plan of progression. I am so grateful for the knowledge of the gospel and for the gift of the Holy Ghost. It brings me so much strength as it teaches me to look forward with faith through its reassuring peace.

Practice Hymn on Prayer

2010-05-03T22:11:00.005-06:00

I spent over an hour preparing my 5 minute lesson for RS music moment last week. It was on prayer and I wanted to dissect the meaning behind every verse of Prayer Is the Soul’s Sincere Desire. I was excited to discuss it with the sisters; I love contemplating gospel topics with others.

I am a Stuff Mover

2010-04-13T16:50:00.001-06:00

When not dealing with an immediate need of a child, I spend most of my time at home moving stuff from one place to another. I start out with a heap of mess on my kitchen peninsula and start making piles to take to various parts of the house. Dishes=sink; dirty clothes=hall; school papers=divided into recycle, file and backpack; food=cupboard; etc.

So, with my primary function as such, you can imagine my frustration in moving into a new house where nothing has an assigned place yet. My responsibilities were promoted to making decisions about organization. A tough job where there isn’t enough storage/closet/drawer room. Our stacks of books still remain in boxes. I’ve nearly stopped reading (in a time when reading would be easiest as I sit down to nurse 5 times each day).

I walk around the house,
Pick up something
Take it to the next room,
Put it away.
This is what I do all day.

Swirling Numbers

2010-04-01T10:00:00.002-06:00

Money, time and all such numbers float around me in the air. It’s never a solid understanding for me. I seriously have spent over an hour several days in a row trying to figure out our budget, trying to get to the next paycheck. I can’t understand it. Yesterday scraped up every last cent, closing old accounts even, to find enough money to deposit today. But when I added up the numbers again today, we were in no such need of it. How could my calculations vary about $1000 day to day? I feel like such an idiot!

Being frugal places such an anxiety about shopping. I had to go buy some things on Saturday. I had to go to 3 stores. I spent over 3 hours carefully weighing prices, needs and desires and spent over $300 (most of it was at Home Depot for our basement bathroom remodel). Since then I worry about some of the choices I made—were they wise? And already have 2 piles of things to take back.

It’s kinda fun managing the money when it makes sense or when you make enough to pay your bills. I hope to get there someday. I can’t wait to get to the point where I set up a snowball effect to start paying down/off my debts!

Rambling Along

2010-03-29T16:20:00.007-06:00

I was recently very ill. In fact I'm still (over a month later from onset) taking 2 IBuprofin at a time to counteract the disabiling sinus headaches lingering from that illness.

I want to live a long, healthy life. If I don't live to see retirement from fiscal and mothering duties so I can experience the muck of 3rd world countries, I will feel very cheated. Dreams. Dreams. Dreams..

I have yet to learn much in this life. Some matters take much practice for me in areas second-nature to others (such as scouting!).

I got a new calling yesterday. I missed the sustaining but I heard I passed from all the congratulators. :) I am now the Relief Society Music Director. Basically I lead the hymns during Relief Society each Sunday plus I have a "music moment" each week (except Fast Sundays) where I get to teach the ladies. I am way excited! So much to study up on.

When the bishop called me into his office to ask me if I would do it, I told him just how hard scouts has been for me. But when he extended my new calling it was in addition to scouting. At least I get to work my most favorite of areas: Relief Society.

India and Other Cultures

2010-03-25T15:36:00.001-06:00

I’m secretly planning a far off get away to India—someday, some far off day.

Speaking of different countries, I think it would be hard to move one’s family to another country. When I lived in Quebec with a French-Canadian family for a year when I was 14, it was hard to adjust to the different culture, even though it was similar to my own. Also, I was young and enthralled with the variety of peoples and their beliefs—it being hard even though I was so flexible to its change, I cannot imagine how difficult it must be for immigrants to move here out of necessity even though they want to stay where they’re from. When we moved to Oregon, I noticed quite a difference in culture just from one state to the next. Although I loved the pace and different attitudes there (and lack of traffic jams), it was hard to be away from the art and music scene that I was used to and knew how to maneuver around. Also, they number their streets differently which I could never understand—little things like that can remind you that this isn’t the home you are used to.

But you envelop yourself in the new culture and it becomes part of you. Now that I’m back in Utah and the social dynamics are second nature to me from birth, you would think that it is my comfort zone. Everyone and everything is nice here and all, but for the first time in my life I think I’m experiencing real loss.

Not when one of my grandparents’ passed away, not when I was away from my family for a year as a young teenager, not when I moved away from the culture/town I grew up in—it was when I moved away from that sanctuary historic home and small town that I now understand what this amount of loss is.

I used to breathe with that house. We were in sync. Her creaking wall and bumpy floor stood strong and proud amid other architecturally beautiful structures in that historic town. The people reflected the same ambiance, and well, I miss it all. Like a pit in my stomach.

So this is what loss feels like. And yet I know we are meant to be here. I dream of helping shape this area into such a town as a group of Californians did to that Oregon town years ago (it had been in pretty poor circumstances before they came along). But the highway here slicing through town and the awkward layout of the streets that all come off of it and don’t connect to each other (due to developers making the quickest buck and no town council to care otherwise, I suppose), make that dream seem impossible.

Our First Investment Property

2010-03-25T14:08:00.003-06:00

Curtis has started investing. In fact, today he started an LLC and bought his first commercial building. It is a potentially lovely space with tall ceilings right on Main Street of a small town, connected to a law office on one side and a dance studio on the other. He is going to build a wall and make the back half an apartment to double his rent. I finally went to see it on Monday (I had been sick for the last month). I could tell that inside, under the stucco the walls were brick. And under the cheep vinyl flooring, there was the old hardwood floors. But Curtis is not interested in unveiling them. He is looking at the bottom-line figures—a dangerous rut to fall into.

Granted, the reason why he bought it is because the numbers make sense and the reason why we own it is to make money so we can have the freedom to help others. And I know he shares my conviction to never be slumlords, but but….but……. But what about making the world a more beautiful place? What about owning a lovely structure in town that is so beautiful that it makes your heart swell?

I was so glad that it wasn’t one of those quick, make-shift buildings quickly going up nowadays. At least it has the structural foundation of something more majestic. It does have arches and you should see the outside door to the apartment (at the back of the building)-- it’s a historic shade of brilliant green with arched molding and is surrounded by exposed brick!! Lovely, beautiful, fascinating the eye.

Bugeting

2010-03-18T04:13:00.001-06:00

I’m in charge of the bills now. Finances, numbers, budgets, money management, and contacting businesses is all quite beyond my natural abilities. But we’ve decided I’m the wiser choices since I’m more frugal.

My mind seems to not grasp it all. I feel like such an idiot as I stare at my account online and try to figure out why the balance isn’t what I had thought it would be (whether greater or smaller). I suppose I need to break down and keep some sort of written registry of my own. It just seems so redundant when it’s already kept for me online. I hardly ever write out checks since my bills are all paid automatically for me every month online.

I need to get a handle on it. That’s exactly it. I feel like it’s this big burden I am carrying -like a big mattress. I keep trying to get a better hold, down lower and pushing up, getting under it—but it’s just not quite comfortable. I need one of those mattresses with handles on the side so the silky fabric doesn’t just slip through my fingers, so to speak. I need the right tools to give success to its outcome. Budget, plan, succeed.

Living Now

2010-03-15T11:44:00.000-06:00

Meshing the ideas of managing goals/tasks from both my parents. My father carefully planned out every minute, overbooking many. My mother just got to the task and got it done.

I have been terribly sick for over two weeks. High fever, sinus infection, chest congestion, etc. I’m sick of trying to get through the days, waiting for life to happen. A week ago I had declared today as being “All Better Day” and so it shall. Although I am still somewhat sick, modern medicine can help me live as though I am not. I can manage my sinus pain with Ibuprofen, not letting it run out. I am excited to move forward in my life but don’t want to push it too much until I’m all better. So here are my simple goals and how to accomplish them—I’m anxious to quickly get to it!

1) Get Better
a. in bed by 9:30pm
b. eat ½ clove raw garlic 4 times per day
c. drink lots of water
d. Sudafed every 4 hours

2) Children’s homework done from when they missed school while they were sick
a. help them right after school to at least get that night’s homework done.

3) Laundry caught up
a. at least 2 loads per day and put away (more when better) 6 days per week

4) Budget solidified and effective
a. ½ every day going over it until accomplished
b. be brave and call companies

5) A Clean House
a. clean kitchen (dishes done and counters clean) after every meal
b. 15 minute clean-up in my bedroom daily.

Up A Tree

2010-02-25T13:36:00.004-07:00

I started painting again after nearly a year of neglect. The last painting I had worked on was spring conference time, for Nia just before I left Oregon. It was a simplistic, mixed-media line drawing/painting on masonite board (the top of a desk on the curb) of Nia and I dancing. What are friends for if not to dance with?

Since my photography class ended week before last, I had time to take Margie’s advice and called her artist niece about an open studio 15 minutes south of me. Margie had told me the cost was $3 per session. I began going last week. It actually cost $8. Could I justify the cost? Once I attended, I felt yes.

I was nervous to go. Since Curtis was late coming home that night, I was late getting there. I almost talked myself out of going, reasoning it would be easier to show up to a place at which I am socially insecure if I at least showed up on time.

As I drove there, I calmed my fears by reminding myself to be filled with LOVE.

The room was crowded with artists; easel to easel. Besides myself and Margie’s niece and nephew, it was a geriatric ward. So I spent the evening listening to FM100 (light rock) but completely tuned out and was enveloped into the form taking shape on the canvas in front of me. I even sang along with the music absent-mindedly at times.

Margie’s niece seems to be in a similar situation as I. She is married with children and has a passion for painting. I tried to listen, I did, but her comments were like shocks into my bubble of love for the creative process before me.

Something fulfilling. The aura in the room full of creative minds racing for ways to make the world more beautiful, more interesting. Expressing themselves openly in colors and forms before them. The smell of oils. Small glass jars of interesting liquids, thick paint accumulating at the base of them.

I really did love all of them. I loved being there. Something soared within me while I was there. Even though I didn’t even crack open my paints that night (just sketched my scene and applied thick gesso), I could hardly believe I was able to create as I did. I was very proud of my talent and wanted it to take flight. I wanted to use it to contribute; to spread joy. To make the world more interesting, more desirable, to help others meditate and wonder, to point out places, objects or scenes to marvel.

A few days later I dropped off Ron at his theater class and noticed that there was an art show this weekend. I asked when the deadline for entries was. I decided that if I could paint my entire painting Wednesday night and used enough Liquin so it would dry, I could make the Thursday morning deadline.

The painting I was working on was perfect for the show. The show’s theme was “Up a Tree” and my painting was the view of when you are under a tree and you are looking up through the leaves and branches to the summer sky. I love that perspective; it opens up resting pieces within me and makes them alive with activity.

So last night I got a babysitter (Curtis was working late in Logan doing recertifications) and painted for 3 hours in at the studio. I frantically painted the sky and realized that most of my time was up. I applied the trunk even more quickly, nothing like I had visualized me doing as I worked out the elements of my painting in my mind all day.

I didn’t add any of my signature swirls, dots or lines. In fact, I didn’t take many risks at all. If it weren’t for the broad strokes, imperfect parameters and smudgy brush marks, it would almost look perfectly realistic—perfectly boring to me. I couldn’t see it well at the studio for they have a million florescent lights which glared at me in the reflection of the paint. So when I got home, I set it up in front of my nursing chair and studied it.

I hadn’t had time to paint the leaves, so it was a winter scene—just branches against the sky. But I figured I could make it summer after the show. It was a nice painting, the technique was good. But nothing to excite the mind. Only its grandeur made it remarkable at all. I asked myself if I would be drawn to it in a gallery? Would I pause and study its form, color or movement? Would I hang it in my house? The answer to these questions depressingly was no (with the exception of perhaps the last solely because I may hang my own painting though it may lack interest).

As I signed my name to it, I noticed just how capable I would be of adding to the drying paint. I could easily scratch subtle words, dots, lines, swirls into the trunk of the tree. And I had just the words. I had written about a 300 word story/description of the painting earlier in the day!

But realism shook me a moment and reminded me that I need to be balanced. Although it was wonderful that I resurrected my role as artist, I must not neglect my other roles, especially those of mother and wife which hold primary importance. I argued with my passionate self that if I went to bed any later, I would certainly be unable to perform my duties as mother the next day very well. Besides, the past shows I would invariably get sick and the decision to stay up would deter my efforts far more than one day.

I relented to such realistic reasoning adding that the etched in words, if not done just right (and I had no time for just-right reworking) might come across as cliché, thus trivializing the already strong enough piece. I would turn in that piece, something I can’t recognize as my own. Untouched by my wild creativity in attempts to maintain its stability as a sound piece. Besides, I am a mother. I am reasonable and responsible. I don’t fall into whims of passion anymore but deliberate and proceed sensibly.

I went to bed after setting up fans in front of the canvas (the noise scaring my son in the night when he got up to use the restroom). It was late as it was and I woke up with fluid in my lungs. My body demanding top priority, jealous at the attention my mind has been getting. I skipped going to the gym this morning in aggressive retaliation.

When I filled out the form for the painting this morning I noticed that there was a 25 word limit to the description/story. As if someone could tell a story in 25 words! What I had already written up had to be modified anyway since it contained reference to leaves and I described a Birch tree (I ended up painting the branches and trunk brown to save time ‘cause I wasn’t sure how a Birch appeared). What I wrote wasn’t an actual experience I had had but I drew upon the feelings of fulfillment I had experienced the week before as I had painted the Birch (a tree that has inspired me since I moved back to UT). I’ll have to post a picture of the painting when I get a chance. Here’s what I had originally written with 270 words:

Perspective
Looking Up a Tree

Exhausted, I stole away from my duties in the home to the outside summer air. My children’s loud voices grew distant as I looked for solitude in the yard. I flopped down under my favorite tree, head down on my knees.

In the past, when I have gazed at it from behind double-paned glass at the kitchen sink, its thick grayish-tan arms holding up blankets of leaves had often provided a visual respite from life’s storm of activities.

But today I did not only allow it time to heal me if it could do so while I washed the dishes and prepared dinner, I focused on it directly. It shared with me its inner beauty; I eventually allowed it to see mine. I saw its trunk flaking off its outer shale, big puzzle-pieces gone—revealing its soft green core.

I slowly laid back onto the grass, feeling my tree’s roots around me. A completely fresh outlook opened up before me. Sprawled out under its protective torso, my hair in every direction haloing my head, the real magic occurred as I opened my eyes to the sky. The juxtaposition of the leaves, branches and blue-blueness stirred great excitement within. My thoughts were elevated up and up the tree and I let myself wonder.

I wondered and marveled at life. I questioned and reasoned with simplistic depth. The wholeness of my being; the individual merit of my soul; the most neglected role of myself being puffed up and filled to capacity; a reminder of the potential I could grasp.

Looking up a tree is a time for me.

Too long so I cut it down dramatically but it was still 93 words:

Sprawled out; my hair against its roots. I opened my eyes to the sky. The juxtaposition of the branches and blue-blueness stirred great excitement within. My thoughts were elevated up and up the tree and I let myself wonder.

I wondered and marveled at life. I questioned and reasoned with simplistic depth. The wholeness of my being; the individual merit of my soul; the most neglected role of myself being puffed up and filled to capacity; a reminder of the potential I could grasp.

Looking up a tree is a time for me.

Still too long so this is what I ended up writing (hoping they wouldn’t count the & symbol but not caring if I am disqualified from any sort of contest):

I opened my eyes to the sky. Thoughts elevated up & up the tree. I marveled. I questioned & reasoned w/ simplistic depth. wholeness to my being.

Dry Hands and a Full Heart

2010-02-14T20:05:00.002-07:00

Throughout my life, I have occasionally wondered why someone would live in a wasteland. Why would someone choose a climate not conducive to comfortable living? Sure, sometimes you have to move where the money takes you, but since I’m not much motivated by money, I thought I would end up somewhere lovely.

And I did. We lived in the lovely surroundings of Oregon for a few comfortable years.

But now I’ve chosen to move back where I must remember to drink some water everytime I pass the sink. Where I have to lather on the lotion after every shower. Where I have to skip soap on one of my children to prevent further eczema issues. Where my hands have to endure sticky E every night (and Curtis uses Petroleum Jelly!). Now, under my pointer finger on my right hand, the skin is so chap under part of the nail that it is cracking and therefore not attaching itself to the nail. This is ludicrous!

No one chose to live here, the Lord told them to settle here-- I suppose so that they could have one more hardship on their hands. He didn’t want them to be comfortable. A time for struggling is a time ripe for humility therefore inducing growth.

So, my life was too lovely in Oregon? I must live in an ugly house in harsh dryness so I can realize my nothingness? Well, it’s working. I feel like crap… or is it dirt? he he

There is beauty outside my kitchen window. The kind of beauty I have to look for but it’s there. The mountain ridge I happen to live just below is spectacular. It’s so rugged and pointy. You can see every detail of it since trees apparently don’t survive in this environment (he he…scrub oaks certainly can’t be in the classification of trees, could they? what next, sage brush is actually a bush? probably is in Utah).

As the fog inches it’s way across each ridge, I try to take snapshots into my mind. The brilliant white behind a ridge has a way of enhancing that ridge’s grandeur exponentially. It hides further back peaks to reveal the peaks usually camouflaged in various shades of brown and grey. Then the clouds thin out and you see a hint of a summit framing the whole shot. I thought of grabbing my camera many times yesterday. But breakable things are hidden away from children and those same little ones demand so much attention.

I go from one dire situation demanding my immediate attention to another so frequently that when things die down and I actually have time plan out my time and prioritize, I usually am paralyzed with indecisiveness. The situation so foreign that I can’t get my groundings.

I am so tired all the time. Fatigue stealing away my thoughtfulness of others and my brain activity. I can’t remember anything and I’m too tired to pursue greatness. Can’t brainstorm another way, a more effective system when things aren’t going well.

I have a “mommy store” but haven’t gotten around to setting up a way for the boys to earn anything in it. So they are going nuts with anticipation looking at all the toys they really want. I can’t give them money for chores because they’ll loose it. I can’t give them Chuck-E-Cheese coins because they cost money. I don’t want to give them poker chips because that’d promote gambling. So I’d like to use fake money. I must go to a store. Not one of my favorite pastimes.

I’m ready to end but don’t want to end on a negative note. I’m really not in a negative mood yet many things I wrote sound that way. I’m trying to stay positive through all these hard times. Rediculas that this is a hard time when there isn’t anything so wrong. All is just hard.

I dream about when we retire and travel the world in constant efforts to relieve the suffering of others in 3rd world countries. My desire is to know the stories “of even the dull and the ignorant” (Desertada).
I have a loving husband that wants to do right by me. He is an honest man who loves our children and provides for us well. So what if we don’t share all the same dreams. Who does? He keeps me grounded in reality, I help him get out of the home and experience things. I even made him cut hearts today for heart attacking our neighbors. He wasn't too excited about it but he did drive us around. He’s a good man and he’s all mine. I love him very much.

Movies & Electronic Devices

2010-02-02T13:08:00.003-07:00

I think a main reason why the movie “Stranger Than Fiction” continues to be a source of great entertainment for me is because I, too, often have a narrator describing the mundane routines of my life. My narrator, though, being myself. Not as talented or future-telling as Emma Thompson’s character.

Sometimes I do delight in the use of words, observation or connection I have made. Sadly, I have no secretary to which to dictate them and my mind is blank when I get the children situated enough for ‘me time.’

Here I am… “a bit blank” as Rachel Weisz’s character put it in “About a Boy.” Another favorite movie of mine.

Curtis just signed up for Netflick’s online streaming videos. And our monitor is actually a flat screen TV. It’s too easy. I could end up watching movies all day. Basking in the creative genius’ of others while turning off any brain activity of my own. All books would be set aside. I would be as blank as those video gamers, gaming, gaming all day with no social interaction or personal creative thoughts of their own. But hey!-their hand eye coordination is remarkable, not to mention their precision skills with electronic devices.

I viewed an advertisement commercial for some Blackberry-like device on the theater’s big screen prior to Avatar starting (double-date with Kara last Saturday). It showed a bunch of friends on the ski lift together, each lost—focusing on their pocket electronic devices. With a touch of a screen each of them were in a virtual reality in far off places doing entirely different activities. Although producers tried to really glamorize such ability, I saw it for a sad scenario. Here some friends are out in the mountains and yet are unable to enjoy the moment together.

I think these devices, along with the internet, computers, movies and other means of communication and expression can bless the world with their abilities. Yet we need to be careful to limit ourselves to use these means moderately, to save time instead of taking you away from the potentially glorious moment at hand.

To draw an analogy much more extreme: drugs. They can take you away from experiencing life if used inappropriately; yet can facilitate quicker and easier means of living when used correctly. Our country has outlawed some useful drugs because of the harms they have caused to those abusing them. Now laws have to be in place for those foolish enough to go into the virtual word while driving (instant messages, twittering “hey I’m driving right now” he he, etc).

I want to feel it. Spend some time each day with things/people that are tangible. Living life fully, here and now. Using the devices to facilitate living rather than to take me away. I’m here to get dirty, ask questions, “take chances, make mistakes and get messy!” (Magic School Bus)

Optimism and Energy Rising

2010-01-20T09:29:00.003-07:00

Although I long to create art, I’m glad I’m doing more important things. Although I long to get everything my mind can conceive accomplished, I recognize my limitations.

As I learned in my photography class last week, it’s not the camera that makes the picture, it’s the photographer. It doesn’t matter what camera they use as long as they know the camera’s limitations. Great photos can come from limited cameras.

And so I hope that if I put the control of my life into the Lord’s hands, the fruits of my labors may be sweet and good. Great things may be produced from such a limited body if I recognize my limitations/weaknesses and work around them. I may not be able to commit to as much responsibilities as another lovely sister at church, but my contributions are right on and done well.

I fell so much more happy and energetic since I started going to the gym yesterday. I meet a couple of ladies at 5:30am and we’re back by 7. Curtis has the older 2 boys up, dressed and eating. I quickly wake Z up and nurse her while we read scriptures and pray. Ron goes to the bus at 7:25am and Myles leaves at 8:05am.

Today is scouts and I know I can do this. I’m keeping it more simple and not expecting perfection in the grandiose terms I generally think up. I’ll instead focus on making scouts fun for the boys and as I get in the swing of things I hope to help them accomplish more requirements. But for now, I hope they learn some as we have a good time.

Today we have a guest coming for a presentation and questions. He works at the power company and he will teach the boys about conservation and safety. So it should be an easier den meeting than the last two. I have had to change activities every 5 minutes or so in the past to keep them interested. It’s exhausting and takes a lot of time to prepare. At first I was worried I wasn’t accomplishing anything with them but now I see that I’m introducing them to many subjects, helping them set goals, and getting them excited about years of scouts to come (later years are more rigorous about accomplishing more). So…as I keep telling myself: “I Can Do This!”

Having Dreams

2010-01-18T07:08:00.002-07:00

Today the children have off of school for Martin Luther King day. During family prayer just before their bedtime, the other night, I explained that he wasn’t actually a king but that it was his last name like “snow”. Ron, now 8 said, “like we aren’t actually snow.” I then taught them about why his actions were important and how the actions of many other brave civil rights leaders are celebrated this day as well. I recited all I could of the “I have a dream” speech. Equality, fairness, brotherly love for all the human race, peaceful movements, small actions accumulating into large change, etc.

Rambling Along

2010-01-16T21:14:00.004-07:00

Last Saturday I had a birthday party for Myles. I felt it was important to our son. But I just couldn’t get it all done. And the house was a terrible wreck when the party started and I was so embarrassed.

I’ve been trying to feed my emotions with all the healthy things: positive thoughts, simpler tasks, prayer, scripture study, repentance, time just reading with the kids (I read to them 4 seperate times today for long chuncks of time).
All I do all day long besides helping the kids is move objects from one place in the house to another. Dirty laundry baskets to the basement. Clean laundry to the bedrooms into drawers. Toys back downstairs. Papers into the kitchen into the recycle bin. Bobby pins into the bathroom. Coats and backpacks into the hall onto their hooks. Kids shoes into their cubbies. Pencils into the drawer. Dishes from the table into the dishwasher. From the dishwasher into the cupboard! From the cupboard onto the table!!! How is this helping me progress?

So I signed up for a photography class. And Ron for a theater class. He really likes it. His dramatic gestures are appreciated there. He also wants to take an art class, drum lessons, and karate, but I said just one at a time. I also want to take a guitar class and art lessons. Myles is interested in sports but I think I’ll wait until he’s a bit older and I feel more settled.

I think setting goals is great. A bit of daily progress to focus on.

New Year’s Resolutions

2010-01-12T04:06:00.001-07:00

I did pretty good this last year with my goal of being on time. I’ve learned a lot about that idea and have seen fruits from that painful change in thinking.

I’m not sure what to resolve to work on this year. I don’t feel up to any challenges right now but I know that through goal-setting and hope, progression occurs so here I go, trying to move forward by exploring ideas for betterment.

I think I will make this year’s goals spiritually related. Actions that will increase my relationship with Christ and my ability to learn spiritual truths.

--monthly temple attendance.
--15 minutes early to church each week.
--daily personal scripture study.
--work on callings one hour every Sunday afternoon.

The first and last ones are minimums. But with these realistic goals in mind, I can at least progress this much. I’ve been excellent at having daily family scripture study and prayer and weekly FHE but I only have been getting my personal scripture reading in about half the days.

I should probably add something about papers lying about in the home since I seem to have a problem with that.

--15 minutes everyday to sort and file papers.

And if I could accomplish this during 2010, it would help out a TON too:

--find a place for everything.

And so, even though in the past few years I’ve been working on one concept per year to improve upon for my formal resolution, this year I have 6 quite specific goals.

Scouter, Doer, Preparer

2010-01-08T13:03:00.002-07:00

Making do. Trying to keep up. Inching my way forward. Does it get any colder than this? The dog tested to see if I would put her back on the chain by eating off of the table just as I let her in from the fulfillment of her chained punishment. She’s out there again. She looks cold. I wish I could bring her in. Does she even understand why she’s out there? She must or why else would she test the boundary. Perhaps her way of trying to determine why she was out there. Now my fingers are too cold to type fast. But I must hurry fast. Hurry up. Be a cub den leader. First meeting is today. I must establish boundaries, rules, routines, expectations with the little farts. That’s what I thought of them when I first got asked to do this position. I really had wanted to say no. But I love to serve wherever needed. After hearing of my fears, Cara said sorry she suggested me. But now after a very productive meeting with other local leaders and a Round Table training, I feel a little prepared. I am empowered with the tools to lead out! Somewhat. Okay, I’m trying to talk myself up to the task. But I really am excited about it now. I feel the Lord’s help in the love I feel for them. I think He’s telling me that I can help these boys. That I can be an influence for good. That this is an important work, the Lord’s work. It’s not about the seemingly pointless crafts, it’s about giving boys direction, mentoring, friendship, goals. It helps tremendously!

I feel so much responsibility to make it fun, for this is the first year the boys are in scouts. I want them to be way excited. And so my attitude is different now. I’m not dreading the responsibility with anxiety, I’m thrilled and happy and loving. I’m preparing well and early. I’m bringing projects with all the leg work they can’t easily do on their own already done. I’m looking up service projects for them to do—ones that will get them uncomfortable and have them work hard. Ones that will increase their understanding to the needs around them, thinking outside themselves, swelling of the heart stuff.

At Round Table training last night the people there caught me off guard. They were way wacky! I mean, I guess it wasn’t bad since I suppose I’m wacky like that too but I’ve never been in a huge room with people as wacky as me before. When the announcer said to give someone a round of applause, the audience clapped making large circular motions with their arms. Pretty fun. I could see how that could be funny to an 8 year old. So, for tonight: obnoxious is in.

Myles’ 6th Birthday party is tomorrow. Lots of adults in the area will be seeing my house for the first time. My terribly messy house. How can I keep up? Perhaps stop typing for one! But this clears my mind and gets me going. Plus, I’m a fast typer. But I should get my scouting done too… so adios.

To Waste or Be Wasteless

2009-12-26T08:25:00.006-07:00

I’m in quite the nostalgic mood this morning. Trying to sort the endless supply of papers in front of my massive computer screen whose screen saver is of the past year’s photos doesn’t help. The beach is so far away, not that we went there much anyway.

I want to put the final touches on my new budget, automatic bill paying thing. We switched banks when we moved and I've had to redo everything. I want to make sure I have enough money to go after Christmas sale shopping today (if I can talk Curtis into the idea). I hate to shop but I want to help my children develop their musical talents. And so I will do the painstaking task of spending money.

An interesting balance I’m thinking about; one I don’t know where to take. It’s between making do with what you have and going and buying whatever you need. I used to just use whatever I had. When I needed a garbage can for my studio, I never dreamed of going to the store to buy one. I used old boxes for recycling and used paper bags for the garbage until I found an actual garbage can on someone’s curb on junk day. That’s just how I was taught and that’s how I operate. I never wasted, but man did I collect. I’d take many things I didn’t really need because perhaps I could use them (at least at some point).

I have been doing things differently lately. Perhaps living with my mother-in-law for 7 months showed me another way. I had decided to adopt their ways while I was under their roof. They don’t believe in recycling and although they probably waste less than most, they're habits were quite different than what I was used to. Buying what you need and throwing away what you don't need is a lot easier.

Should I waste so much time trying not to waste things that I don’t get to use that time with my family? At least I don’t waste a lot of time shopping like many women my age like to do. But I do seem to spend a long time when I do go gerocery shopping tying to only buy items that are on mad sales/great deals. I keep a log in my Blackberry of what good prices are on our most used items. My grocery receipts are confusing with markdowns because most often every item I bought was a sale item. I stock up on the sale items and do without regularly priced items. We’ll go months without bananas when high priced just to get sick of the mounds of them on the counter when cheep.

So where’s the balance? Do I get rid of all these tonz of clothes I own that I don’t wear because they aren’t my current size? Or do I keep them in case I get pregnant again (or the skinny ones for if I get skinny again)? Or all the fun clothes, do I keep them in case I make some fun friends that like to go out on the town?

What about the children’s toys? We have too many. I used to box up half and rotate them. But should I just get rid of them and buy new ones at every turn as most consumer-minded American parents?

I felt like such a cheep mother this Christmas with only a small mound of presents for my children. Since when is my thinking such? A used play truck, new sled, used books, candy, fruit, snow gloves, new PJs, and a movie each should be plenty. And yet I feel somehow like I should buy them more today to make up for it. Ron wanted a matchbook car race track, Myles wanted a drum set, Sterling wanted a baby doll that laughed. I knew this and yet didn’t get it for them (I did buy the sleds they wanted though). I may buy them today. Perhaps there’s after Christmas sales that will appease both my desires.

So much to consider.

I’ve gotten rid of so many things as I have been unpacking with the mind set that if I ever need them, I will buy them. Instead of keeping PJ bottoms that are too short for me (someone did my laundry when I had a baby and dried them), I gave them away to the teenage girl next door. If I end up feeling like I really missed having cozy flannel pants to wear in the morning, I’ll save up and buy one pair that fit. I hate buying so it’s hard to get rid of stuff. I hate wasting even more. At least in Brownsville we had a thrift store that helped the community by taking off your hands the useful things you didn’t use anymore and selling them really cheaply so you felt like you could afford the items you did need. The DI doesn’t seem to do that well. Occasionally I can find something good like a good book. Most items are expensive, not much of a selection, and I know they don’t treat items well that you drop off. On the bright side, there’s a really effective CraigsList and KSL classified. I got my metal junk hauled away (including 2 dishwashers) the other day. They said they’d even take the run-down camping camper. Curtis is going to try to shave off the top and make it into a flatbed trailer. The DI won't take my baby swing--probably cause they know they'd just break it before getting it on the floor to sale ;) (Zaharah is a wierd baby because she doesn't like swings).

I have to get rid of things because this house doesn’t have the storage capacity. The historic home we moved from had so much storage space. Good thing we don’t live there anymore because I could have collected everything in sight for years and not filled it up.

It will be good to be more simplified. And so I must start with this mound of papers. Good thing we’re paperless as much as we can or I can’t imagine what mess I would be in. I love how I can look things up online so easily instead of going through a mound of papers to find the one I am looking for. I just need to get the school on board in paperless thinking. They must think the more paper they print on and send home the better. Mounds of it. I used to try to use the backside for the kids' drawing paper but it ended up all over the house and I'd have to go through it again (or at least take time to glance at it). So it goes into recycling which I have to take 10 miles into town to recycle.

The ablilty to be paperless with bills and other info from buisnesses is fantastic! What a glorious age to be living in. So many conveniences! So much opportunity! So facile to communicate with all loved ones around the world!

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Update from a few days later:
I went shopping and bought everything the kids had wanted for Christmas. After that crazy shopping spree I have been depressed. The items sit still in their bags in my room. What do I do with them? Do I give them to the kids? I don't want to wait until next year because no doubt their interests will change by then. Do I take them back? I'm so indecisive and upset about the amount of spending I've done this month. I've spent more this month than I ever have before in one month. I don't have proof of that but no doubt it's true. I can't understand it. It may have something to do with that I found out that Curtis makes $1000 more per month than we had anticipated him making. Once the paychecks started coming in we saw that overtime sure makes a difference in his pay. So I decided to go hog wild at the store? so unlike me. I felt much better this morning after conversing with the Lord, admitting to him my mistakes/faults and repenting for not being a wise steward with the money He has blessed me with. I should want money only for the purpose of doing some good (and I don't mean single-handedly boosting our Nations economy by my frivilous spending). Curtis and I have talked about letting a struggling family live in our basement for free (there's a large 2-bedroom appartment just sitting empty down there) or perhaps for some help around the house. But I would want one that is trying to help themselves, not people that feel entitled to a handout and want to mooch off of others. I think it'd be great to help foster children who turn 18 and have no place to go or direction in life. I could help them set up a budget, get a job, transport them, etc. I could help them with that transition into adulthood.

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Further updated on Jan 7th: I think I will use these after Christmas toys as incentives in a "mommy store." I'm not sure how I want them to earn them yet. I need to think about it for a few days, noticing their behaviors and thinking about what behaviors we would like changed. I need to make sure they are not too hard to earn so that the kids won't loose interest. I think I'll also put cheeper items in there too like dollar store toys and sunglasses. I think each item will cost the actual amount they really did cost (teaching the kids how much things are worth in the real world) and then have them have some sort of token or play money with which to earn and purchase. I don't want to use poker chips since poker isn't exactly something I want to introduce into their lives. And I don't want to use marbles as they will end up on the ground and be dangerous for babies. I'll have to think of something.

Christmas Eve

2009-12-24T00:00:00.002-07:00

Tonight I had 30 people at one table for Christmas Eve dinner. It was so great to have all of Curtis’ parent’s posterity, spouses and Grandma B all there!!! Not one empty chair!

Traditionally we have always had Christmas Eve at Curtis’ mom’s house. But she suggested we have it at our house this year since we just moved in. I love to host a party so I was excited.

As it turned out, I was not able to get adequately prepared for it so it wasn’t fun getting ready. However, it turned out lovely and I loved being able just being with everyone. It ended up being a very warm-hearted time.

Something I love most about Curtis’ extended family is that there are no pretenses with them. Nobody’s trying to prove anything. Everyone has the motive to love and be loved. So, although my house wasn’t just how sparkling as I wanted it, and the turkey refused to heat to the proper temperature on time, I wasn't able to set up the tables ahead of time, and I didn't have time to put on makeup or even brush my hair, I had a great time anyway and didn’t stress.

When Curtis’ mom first asked Curtis if we’d have it at our house I had assumed she was still going to plan it. But I found out I was to plan it and had the liberty to do it how I pleased. So instead of having guests come in their PJs with a chuck-wagon layout of food, I had a formal dinner with a program.

Curtis wasn't so sure about having something structured since that’s just not how his family does things. But I reminded him that although we don’t know ahead of time what his mom has in mind, she always has things in which for us to participate when we gather for such an event. I also filled him in on my plan and he was on board.

The evening would start at 5pm with a sit-down formal dinner. Near the end of dinner I would tap my glass and share my testimony of Christ and ask others to share their feelings as well on Christ or what they like best about Christmas. Then we would retire to the smaller living room where a fire would be going in the large stone fireplace and the kids would put on a quick nativity. Our concluding activity was to give a gift to Christ. We would do this by privately writing our person goal or bad habit to discard and seal it in an envelope which I would put into a one-year time capsule to be opened by the writer next year to evaluate one’s progress.

I wrote on the invite to have parents sit by their children during dinner since it seems this is not a custom in his family. And I outlined the evening so that not one of his 4 sisters would be frustrated by the change in traditional Christmas Eve activities. They would know just what to expect.

Although the printed programs with unrealistic amounts of activities done up by my parents when my extended family gathers isn’t effective, I felt like my plans for the evening were less structured and would flow flexibly. I was nervous to go against the current of Snow tradition, but once I basically got the approval of each of the sisters and mother-in-law, I made up my mind and I moved forward excitedly.

As it turned out, dinner was a bit crazy so I had our sharing feelings time in the livingroom after everyone jumped up at the last bite and cleaned up. I was grateful for the help since the dishes were fine china and couldn’t be put in the dishwasher. They saved me hours of work! Fantastic! Many hands make work fun and easy.

It was a beautiful time together with each sharing our thoughts. Everyone shared except Ron who seemed to be testing his rebellion for response (I don’t think it was shyness since he’s pretty outgoing). At the last minute I added that they could also share their thoughts about family and that’s just what most of them did.

Something I was really pleased about in myself is that I got a bit choked up before my testimony when I shared just how much the people in that room meant to me. This was exciting to me because in the past several months I have noticed that I only cried when I pitied myself. And since I believe that tears are a sign of extreme emotion, I figured that my strongest emotions must have been related to sadness. And so I rejoice that I just about fountained a few tears at the joy and gratitude I felt!

I am so blessed to be apart of Curtis’ extended family. Growing up, I had never thought the extended family would matter when choosing a mate, but it sure is a huge support and benefit in my life! It’s so fantastic to be living near them again.

The children’s nativity scene was fun. Then we took a family picture against the fireplace (some were uncomfortably hot). It was great to have everyone there even Ed! Ed is Curtis’ sister’s life partner guy that doesn’t usually come to any family things. He’s not used to the chaos of all the unrestricted children. But as Curtis’ sister was leaving for the evening he asked where she was going and then if he could come. I told him that I was so glad he came.

We skipped the time capsule idea but I told them of the gift to Christ concept and encouraged them to do it on their own. Then we ate the beautifully layered cakes my mother-in-law made.

When each family gathered up their children and coats, hugs and kisses were in abundance. We passed out our family newsletter and picture attached to a king-sized candy bar with a ribbon. I wanted to savor every moment with them even though it wouldn’t be long before I saw them again, so I followed them out to their cars and thanked them profusely for each of their contributions to the evening. My heart was full of gratitude and love. A very satisfying evening indeed.

A few things I learned from hosting:
1) Curtis' family is more accustomed to informal dining and so that works better with them.
2) When you want to get the attention of a large group especially when children are involved, start singing a song they recognize. Soon everyone joins in and you can move forward without trying to shout over them.
3) When hosting a large formal dinner party, set the table hours ahead of time (the night before if possible).

Alpha Dog

2009-12-22T12:54:00.003-07:00

There are noticeable differences between the sexes and not just physically. Sometimes you just have to stroke your man’s ego.

Curtis announced to me recently that he was the alpha dog. He said that our new puppy recognizes him as the alpha dog pointing out that she follows him around everywhere. I bit my tongue from arguing that she follows everyone around everywhere and instead responded playfully “what does that make me? Beta?” When I could see Curtis was serious about it, I stroked him verbally with all the sincerity I could muster for such a seemingly infantile need. “Yes, Curtis, clearly you are the alpha dog.”

His searching ego went too far, in my estimation, when Curtis explained to our eldest the same concept. Ron, now 8, wasn’t too thrilled with the idea since Ron and the dog have become quite close. Curtis explained that alpha meant like a king. I tried to help Ron feel better by saying that he, then, was a prince.

Ron must have thought a lot about it because as I was helping him get ready for bed that night, he asked me if he could have our dog when we died if she was still alive. Clearly Ron is growing up to be a man and wants to be an alpha dog too!

Children vs. the Arts

2009-12-22T12:25:00.002-07:00

What’s a Quality Use of My Time?

I love my family so much. My children are such a joy. I feel that being a mother is how I feel the most fulfilled. I wish I could have a million kidos. Four seems so small for my desires but I measure as a mother wanting so I don’t dare have more. But I believe in great miracles. I believe God can change this wicked woman around and make me into something beautiful and nurturing for my children.

I pray every morning for help, strength, and endurance. I set new goals with the Lord. Well, actually they’re usually just the old goals with new determination. I want to be patient, kind, and listen intently. I don’t want to be so wrapped up in my own agenda that I forget to see the children as the incredible children of God that they are.

Yelling to get them to do what I want is wrong. I know it seems it is the only way to get them dressed sometimes. You see, Ron is so creative and so smart. But his mind races around so much that he doesn’t seem to notice the world around him. He forgets to turn off the light, flush the toilet and forgets what he’s doing like getting dressed. When I yell, he finally takes notice of what I said because he’s so heartbroken. But I’m “burning down a cathedral to fry an egg.” Sure the egg gets fried but at what cost? Sure he gets dressed and we’re on time for church, but at what cost!!!

Our ward choir’s big singing day at church was this last Sunday (Christmas program). As I left early for church with Zaharah for one last practice, I could hear Curtis getting angry at the progress Ron had made. In that last half hour Ron had gotten underwear on – that’s it. As I put the baby in the car, I considered how stressed Curtis must be trying to get the kids ready and out the door when there wasn’t enough time. I deliberated—responsibility as a choir member vs. responsibility as a spouse— and then brought Zaharah back inside. I went to help Ron stay on task since Curtis was so upset. I was so calm I thought certainly I would be a great parent and help everyone get out the door on time. I totally shocked myself by ending up using an angry tone with Ron. He is so sensitive to anger, yet it seems to be the only thing to keep him focused at times!

We walked in just as the bishop was welcoming everyone there from the pulpit, but at what expense? We sat on the back row. Ron was still upset although I had apologized. So he threw a fit for my benefit the entire sacrament meeting. A silent tantrum. He even announced to the bishop in a rebellious tone when it was time for the primary and choir to take the stand, that he wasn’t going to sing. I think it caught the bishop off guard a bit.

After the primary sat back down into the audience, Ron made tremendous faces and exaggerated angry body language at me. His anxiety escalating hoping to make mine do the same, but I remained calm. After all, what could I do? I have taught him that his behavior when he does that is wrong, now it was time for me to just let him decide. I saw some parallels between my role right then as a parent and Heavenly Father’s role as He watches us on Earth make silly choices. I was proud of the distance I had come from how his silly choices would have upsetted me just 5 years ago.

The choir was supposed to stay up on the stand the rest of the entire program. But during our main song (I thought it was the nicest one anyway) an elderly woman in the audience was carried out. There was a man holding each of her legs and a few at her shoulders. Curtis followed them out into the foyer holding our baby and 2 year-old. So I dropped the sheet music and went to get our kids.

Good thing I did because Curtis just stood their, probably too shy to offer assistance. Since we’re new to the area I thought I’d let them know he was a nurse. I said, “Here’s a nurse” and then took the kids back into the chapel as to not embarrass Curtis anymore. Curtis helped the woman until the first responders arrived. He thinks she probably had a mild heart attack.

So I didn’t get to sing much with the choir anyway. My creative outlets once again put on hold for the good of the family.

By the way, Curtis turned to me that night and asked if I wanted to set a goal with him. Of course this made me giddy because there isn’t anything I love more than a new goal. Direction and Hope! He said “why don’t we see if we can refrain from yelling at Ron for one week.” Sounds simple enough but yesterday I had to stop myself a few times from raising my voice or barking out an order in a mean way.

Yesterday I had the flu. Every time I got up I thought I was going to puke. My muscles ached terribly and I was shivering cold. I kept thinking how incredible a nice, hot bath would be but didn’t have the strength to draw one up (since it’s in the boy’s bathroom, I feel I have to clean it before I use it).

I only got up when I needed to take the dog outside for a potty break or to feed Zaharah. Luckily I do the “On Becoming BabyWise” method with her so she naps 2 hours at a time (from 8-10am, 11:30am-1:30pm, 3-5pm, & 6:30-8:30pm) and sleeps all night (9:30pm-6:30am). This downtime provided so much relief to my aching belly.

When she was awake I laid on her floor with her and a bunch of her toys (the dog isn’t allowed in the upstairs bedrooms). She likes to roll around and play in there. When she was asleep, I got caught up on my connections with others through my cool Blackberry phone. But it got old after awhile and suddenly I had a brilliant thought. The next time Ron came in to check on me I asked him to dust off my sketch book and bring it to me.

I drew a portrait of Ron. It looked nothing like him. I made his cheeks and chin too narrow. Plus the perspective was all off due to the laying down slanted angle of the paper pad. Although I was discouraged when I saw the final product, the process was lovely.

I need to draw more. It’s sad to see my talent dissipate. The debate in my mind over the use of my time continues. Along with the purposes of art. Surely God loves uplifting art. I love art, but at what expense?

The Dog Barked

2009-12-18T09:29:00.003-07:00

She actually barked. I heard the dog bark today for the first time. I actually have heard a half bark a couple of times from her like when she didn’t want to go into her kennel at night. But today I heard continuous barking from my backyard (where she went while I cleaned up her mess inside)!

I was baffled and envisioned danger, perhaps the rattle snakes everyone talks about. I reasoned that I thought rattlers were a danger in warmer months. I ran through the house out the back door and found in the clearing not far from where I stood a white tailed buck. What a treat. How strangely he stood there not frightened by the dog. I suppose he could sense what a coward she really is. But I suppose he was wary of me because he pranced in high jumps a little ways away. I could see him with his crew through the Scrub Oak (they have that messy stuff instead of trees in UT).

I went and got my only son not at school and held him outside to see. And there waiting for us at the clearing was a female deer (whatever those are called). She just sat there and starred at us for awhile. I couldn’t believe how brave they were. Without reason, though, since I think it’s still hunting season in this area for those with bows. Next year I suppose Curtis will kill one of them from our back steps, skin it, eat it. Sad but I suppose a good trait to have in case of an emergency times. I sent the growling dog inside as to not frighten her.

Social Insecurities

2009-12-16T09:29:00.001-07:00

Last night was Curtis’ work party. Since the two girls from work I had previously met were very young, pretty and very done up preppy, I was nervous to go. Here I don’t normally wear make-up or get done up and he goes to work everyday with people as pretty as he (Curtis is quite preppy too).

I wanted to make a great first impression. These woman (and a couple of guys too) are important people in Curtis’ life. They are some of his closest friends by default of spending so much time together at work. Since I rarely have the opportunity to see them, I thought it was important I make this picture of me (since the only picture of me for them to think of) be a good one.

So I spent the day baking and primping (well actually I spent most of the day taking care of the kids and helping them with their homework but I was all the while thinking of how I should be baking and primping). I made 23 of my large knot-tied cinnamon rolls with a bowl of creamed cheese frosting, a cookie sheet full of crescent dinner rolls and a cookie sheet full of round dinner rolls. Then I made the kids change their clothes into preppy ones and did their hair nicely. I even tried on a preppy dress shirt but didn’t feel I could pull it off without me feeling self-conscious all night trying to play the part I didn’t naturally fit into. So I wore my baggy cargo corduroy pants with my argyle sweater. It actually didn’t really fit with my preppy spiral curled hair and evening wear makeup but off we went.

Curtis could tell I was nervous so he gave me a pep talk on the way about how I am a wonderful woman and I need to just be myself. As it turns out everyone was nice and I was able to get out of my comfort zone along with naturally shy Curtis and go around and introduce myself to everyone (since Curtis is a big wig at this company, we felt it was important to do that). As I sat listening to everyone’s stories, I got over my insecurities and enjoyed the time there.

Looking back, I can’t believe I had gotten so worked up about going to meet everyone. I’m sure glad for Curtis’ support in helping me calm down before going in or else I would have probably sat in a corner and not been able to get over my insecurities in order to make friends.

I hate to admit I was so insecure socially, but I think I should take a good look at what happened and contrast that to the RS Christmas party where I was anxiously insecure the entire time and decide what needs to happen in the future for even more successful social interactions. Clearly I need to learn some positive self-talk, some altered thoughts, and some eternal perspective.

At the RS party, I had been in such a rush to be on time, then it was like pulling teeth for me to talk to anyone, and I went home feeling like a total looser resolute that I had ruined any chance to secure friendships in my new ward.

So before any large social gathering, I think I should get ready ahead of time and then spend a few quiet minutes with myself before I go. Perhaps I could write down my thoughts, analyze them and finish up with what thoughts would be more productive. Such thoughts of the love God has for me, the possibility of me being able to share that love with others to be uplifting to them this day, the desire I have to hear everyone’s story “even the dull and the ignorant for they too have a story.” Such self-talk can change my feelings from insecure to outgoing. As I focus on Christ and on others rather than myself, I will love others and as promised in my Patriarchal Blessing, they will learn to love me.

Canine Birthday Gift

2009-12-10T09:43:00.001-07:00

We gave the dog to Curtis for his birthday. She isn't so pretty but she's a very well manered dog. She sure loves a ton of attention and in so wanting it I suppose that is why she's so willing to please. We just need to finish training her in to potty outside in the future orchard area and train her to not jump on people when she's excited.

So it's final, we're keeping her. Now we need to name her since we don't like her previous owner's name for her (IRIS). I want to name her something incredibly fantastic. I meaningful name of depth but that you wouln't dare name a child cause it's too wierd. I came across many when thinking of names for our kids. Curtis wants to name her "Arcadia" and I suppose we could call her Katy. I think it's the name of a town in Oregon.

Watching Closely

2009-12-09T09:46:00.001-07:00

I have to ensure the dog doesn't go out of my vision ever so I can make sure she doesn't go potty in the house. Even though I'm careful to keep her nearby wherever I am working in the house, she still goes when as I'm focused on the task at hand. So I suppose all the annoying work I do to make sure I'm always watching her isn't to keep her from going in the house but to make it so I know where and when she does so I can clean it up.

So much work. This house will never get clean. The hair is everywhere even though she's not allowed on the couches, etc. The boys always end up putting pillows, blankets, coats, etc on the ground and the hair gets on it. I think the white hair shows up worse cause most fabrics are dark (that we wear anyway).

I can't put the baby on the ground anymore. It's quite the problem since we don't have a changing table anymore (Ron stood on it too many times that it couldn't be fixed anymore).

And as far as she protecting us, she seems to be scared of the rutling in the trees outside as she runs to the front door for protection.

I know I'm venting. A boring read. Annoying to document. Probably not good for me to even think about since Curtis wants this, Ron wants this, Myles wants this. I could look for the good in it as I have done about moving to this ugly house, this terrible desert and well...back to UT. The good is that she is an unusually good dog. She wants to please, she's trainable. She doesn't bite, doesn't chew on things, doesn't bark, doesn't whine or growl, is very tollerant, not too energetic, etc. And our yard is so ugly that she can't mess it up. Plus she doesn't dig or pull up plants like some puppies we tried out in Oregon did. I suppose she is a keeper and I need to look for the good in it.

New Dog

2009-12-06T23:52:00.001-07:00

We borrowed a dog we found online to see if it's a good fit for our family. I know I'm in for a lot of work. She's a white and golden lab puppy of 4.5 months. Curtis has really wanted a dog. I love animals. I'm sure more than he but I'm not up for the work and dirt of them. I like my house fur free and he won't consider a poodle mix. He wants a big dog for the purpose of protecting the family. I'm caving into this desire because we agreed on it when we moved to UT (he had a list of desires in order for him to want to move here), we have the land to do so now, and I think it'll be good for the kids particularly Ron who seems to need constant affirmation/love, possitive communication directed at him.

We got her from Provo. I told Curtis I didn't want a full-bread but of course it doesn't matter what kind of dog I want when he is set on a lab and only the best as long as it doesn't take time to find it. okay, I suppose that's a little bit of venting. it's a hard thing for me, though, to not feel in charge of my time and decisions. I don't like too much on my plate (except a lot of my kids--love those on my plate of responsibilities!).

My Talk on Bednar's 'More Diligent and Concerned at Home'

2009-11-29T16:55:00.002-07:00

I gave this talk today at church. I told it in my own words for once instead of reading it so it didn't go exactly as written. The audience seemed so bored that sometimes I said silly things like pointing out when someone's phone rang. Curtis tried to get their attention by making throwing up sounds during his story about when his brother threw up in his tent. When he did that it hurt my already disturbed bowls and I had to leave the chapel (from up on the stand) and go find the bathroom. Our kids were all sick being watched at home with Grandma. We had been up all night with Myles throwing up and then it waking up the younger two. The whole ordeal was quite an experience. Luckly, following church we came home to finda yummy lunch of homemade mashed potatos, steamed veggies, chicken, and homemade rolls and a cleaned up house all done by Grandma in the less than 2 hours we were gone! She is so nice to serve us! Well, here's the talk:

Every six months we are presented with the opportunity to be filled with the Holy Ghost and given more power to combat evil and make the step-by-step improvements in our lives that make all the difference in the long run. I’m talking of General Conference.

Growing up, I had always thought people just endured conference, trying to awake as they fulfilled their duty to take notes on the talks. But about 10 years ago I was at Curtis’ cousin’s house- a hip young mother that’s highly intellectual. She’s very cool. Anyway, we started talking about how conference was the next week and she got so excited. She spoke of her passion for receiving all the insight therein.

I thought a lot about this and wanted the same effect on my life. That session, I got more out of conference than I ever had before. And every conference since, after I prepare for it by setting my life in order that I might be a receiver of the Holy Ghost’s message, has a greater and greater effect on me.

Today, Curtis and I get to each cover one of the great talks in last October’s session. To remind you of its message, share some thoughts on the subjects and hopefully do so in a way that can invite the spirit to teach us. Please pray for that in your hearts today, that our hearts may be open to learn as we attend church today.

My talk is by Elder Bednar. It’s interesting to me that I was assigned to his talk because my parents are in Argentina right now being taught by him. He’s been down there for a couple of weeks meeting with the missionaries and teaching them great truths. My father shared many truths he has learned from him, some of which I will share with you today.

The subject of Elder Bednar’s talk was “More Diligent and Concerned at Home.” It's a phrase taken from Doctrine and Covenants 93:50. Elder Bednar suggests three ways to accomplish this: 1) express Love to our family members, 2) bear Testimony to them in what we say and do, and 3) be Consistent in daily family scripture study, prayer and regular FHE despite how ineffective they may seem.

For the first suggestion, Love, he says simply express it Sincerely and Frequently. Do we do this? Of course to Love one Another is not a new concept to us! Bednar said “As disciples of the Savior, we are not merely striving to know more; rather, we need to consistently do more of what we know is right and become better.” We can Love our families more and more each day. What’s in our way? Is it awkward for us since we are not in the habit? Are we worried the expressions may not be reciprocated? Yet if we are sure of God’s love, we will not need the approval of others to sustain us as we choose the right way. And I am certain that as we set an example of Love in our homes, our other family members will follow.

I noticed this just a few weeks ago as we were packing up getting ready to move and still trying to negotiate the closure of our new house. It seemed a very stressful time to me and I noticed the children being on edge as well and creating seemingly more messes to clean up. Yet one day I noticed that Curtis was being especially chipper. He caught a hold straight-on of every kid-evoked disaster and his positive attitude did not waiver as he kindly taught the children a better way. It was such a warm, kind environment to be in, I was determined to add to it instead of taking away. And so I start each day with a plead to the Lord that I may be a means of contributing to a spiritual environment in the home, that I might have the Lord’s strength to be patient and kind as I direct the children. That I might show LOVE to each of them throughout the day. And of course I have to keep checking up on myself all day.

One thing that I noticed getting in my way of showing love in the home is the way I was talking rather than what I was saying. I just finished a book by this family and marriage expert named Carlfred Broderick, someone who has been asked by the church to write several Ensign articles. He says that there are metamessages sent by the way we say things that as the person talking, we don’t even recognize we are sending. Our actual words may be kind and loving but the way we say them or our body language may be communicating to others that we disapprove.

Another thing to consider is Gary Chapman’s love languages where he says people feel loved in different ways. So we need to not only tell people we love them through the actual words, but also by serving them, spending time with them, listening to them, telling them you appreciate them, hugs, kisses, etc.

I keep reminding myself that it’s okay to steal away moments just stolen in-between my accomplishment-oriented day to sit and quietly converse with a child, one on one, fulfilling much more than my checklist of seemingly necessities. It’s not only okay, it’s the best!! I love those moments when I’m not so caught up in what needs to be done around the house.

In Elder Bednar’s talk he says “…our love for spouse, parents, and children is reflected most powerfully in our thoughts, our words, and our deeds.” I think that if we pay attention to our thoughts, focus our thoughts on the well-being of those we love including the Savior, our words and deeds will reflect that. Bednar continued “Such love nurtures and sustains faith in God. Such love is a source of strength and casts our fear. Such love is the desire of every human soul.”

President Monson counseled that we should never assume others know we love them. In Fiddler on the Roof, Tevye sings a song where he asks his wife, Golde if she loves him. She responds with reminding him that for 25 years she has done so much for him. He acknowledges this but then still asks if she loves him. We must tell others how we feel.

The second suggestion Bednar gave was to bear your testimony. This can be done in many ways as well. In our hearts, in our words, in our actions. It doesn’t need to be a flashy testimony, just tell what you know is true. You don’t need an interesting story either.

When Curtis and I were first married we had family home evening together just the two of us each week. At the end of family home evening he suggested we bear our testimonies to each other. This was terribly embarrassing to me at the time. I was not accustom to doing that so formally, but it was a great idea to set a time when we do take the time to bear our testimonies to each other.

We should also create and look for opportunities we can bear it informally such as pointing out how beautiful the sunset is and say “I’m so grateful for the Lord whom made such a beautiful Earth for us to live in.”

So what is a testimony? “A testimony is what we know to be true in our minds and in our hearts by the witness of the Holy Ghost. As we profess truth…we invite the Holy Ghost to confirm the verity of our words.” What a great tool to bring power, peace and gospel learning into our home!

Bednar reminds us to not only declare but also to live it. I was especially struck by when Elder Bednar said "...children often are the most alert and sensitive when it comes to recognizing hypocrisy." It made perfect sense to me as I thought of my own childhood and I also thought about the many times I have seen my children’s minds deciphering in distinct black vs. white, allowing for no middle ground of uncertainty/not-very-wrong.

And finally Bednar's 3rd suggestion for being more diligent and concerned at home was to remain consistent. {Summery of this story: Sometimes Sister Bednar and I wondered if our efforts to do these spiritually essential things were worthwhile. Now and then verses of scripture were read amid outbursts such as “He’s touching me!” “Make him stop looking at me!” “Mom, he’s breathing my air!” Sincere prayers occasionally were interrupted with giggling and poking. And with active, rambunctious boys, family home evening lessons did not always produce high levels of edification. At times Sister Bednar and I were exasperated because the righteous habits we worked so hard to foster did not seem to yield immediately the spiritual results we wanted and expected.
Today if you could ask our adult sons what they remember about family prayer, scripture study, and family home evening, I believe I know how they would answer. They likely would not identify a particular prayer or a specific instance of scripture study or an especially meaningful family home evening lesson as the defining moment in their spiritual development. What they would say they remember is that as a family we were consistent.
Sister Bednar and I thought helping our sons understand the content of a particular lesson or a specific scripture was the ultimate outcome. But such a result does not occur each time we study or pray or learn together. The consistency of our intent and work was perhaps the greatest lesson—a lesson we did not fully appreciate at the time.}
This story changed the way I act during family scripture and prayer in the morning dramatically. I used to demand the children to be quite and attentive during scripture study. But now I'm way more relaxed in knowing that although we might not have a powerful scriptural feast every morning as a family, "our consistency in doing seemingly small things can lead to significant spiritual results” “Wherefore, be not weary in well-doing, for ye are laying the foundation of a great work. And out of small things proceedeth that which is great” (D&C 64:33).

Sometimes the things we are asked to do, those things we know in our heart are right to do seem to great. Where do we find the strength to increase our abilities to be more diligent and concerned at home?

In Elder Bendar's conclusion he testified of the enabling power we can possess when we call upon God in our righteous pursuits. He said “As we seek the Lord’s help and in His strength, we can gradually reduce the disparity between what we say and what we do…in these important pursuits we will never be left alone.”

He has taught that “meaningful prayer means to be determined to act.” Just as Joseph Smith, Jr. did not go to the grove simply because he was curious which church was true but because he was determined to follow which one was true, so we must be determined to act upon the truths learned in prayer in order for fruitful revelation to occur.

“Action alone is not faith. Faith is acting in accordance with true principles.”

“Faith is a principle of power. Pray for increased faith.”

“Meaningful prayer requires both holy communication and consecrated work. To ask in faith means to plead & perform.”

“Blessings require some work on our part. Prayer is a form of work.”

“Asking in Faith requires honesty, effort, commitment, and persistence.”

“We need help in surrendering our will to the God. Prayer is the act by which this is accomplished.”

“Prayer is not a wish list, but is to secure the blessings that God is eager to bestow according to His will and timetable.”

I would like to conclude my talk with my testimony that I know that Jesus Christ runs this church. He provides us with the way to live joyfully knowing that through Him we can progress and one day be exalted. I know that our efforts to show love to our family members, share our testimonies with them and be consistent in our study the gospel together are well worth the work. I know that we will be aided in these righteous pursuits as we turn our will over to the Lord in prayer. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

Talking this Sunday

2009-11-27T10:56:00.006-07:00

I'm giving a talk this Sunday in church on Elder Bednar's talk last conference: More Diligent and Concerned at Home. It's a phrase taken from Doctrine and Covenants 93:50). Elder Bednar suggests three ways to accomplish this: express Love to our family memebers, bear Testimony to them in what we say and do, and be Consistent in daily family scripture study, prayer and regular FHE despite how ineffective they may seem.

For the first suggestion, I may cover metamessages (the way we say it) using guidelines from Carlfred Broderick's writtings and possibly love languages (telling others we love them through the actual words, serving them, spending time with them, listening to them, telling them you appriciate them, hugs, etc) phrase coined by Gary Chapman. Plus, personal examples of moments just stolen inbetween my accomplishment-oriented day to sit and quietly converse with a child, one on one, fulfilling much more than my checklist of seemingly necessities.

Bearing testimony can be done in many ways as well. Our words, actions, deeds. I was especially struck by when Elder Bednar said "...children often are the most alert and sensitive when it comes to recognizing hypocrisy." It made perfect sense to me as I thought of my own childhood and I also reminised on the many times I saw my chilren's minds decyfering in distict black vs. white, allowing for no middle ground of insertanty/not-very-wrong.

And finally Bednar's suggestion to remain consistant. This has changed my life in that I used to demand the children to be quite and attentive during scripture study. But now I'm way more relaxed in knowing that although we might not have a powerful scriptural feast every morning as a family, "our consistency in doing seemingly small things can lead to significant spiritual results."

In Elder Bendar's conclusion he testifies of the enabling power we can possess when we call upon God in our righteous persuits. I would love to expand upon this topic but more than just a mention will surely take away from the initial topic.

So this is what I have so far with Sunday approaching fast! I don't have any more ideas but plan on researching the topic more by reading an email my father sent from Argentina where he has spent the last couple of weeks with Elder Bednar, reading other's blogs on how they felt about this talk when they heard it in conference, and absorbing the fast library of solid truthful goodies found at lds.org.

By the way, last Sunday our records were received and they welcomed us to the ward as well as asked the congregation if we would be sustained in our new callings. I am the new Wolf Cub Scout leader (Ron's a Wolf in my group) and Curtis is a Ward Missionary.

It's so fantastic to be able to serve again after being in a trasition of sorts in our last ward. They didn't ask us to do much I suppose 'cause we were only there 7 months :( They didn't even let me be a VT. But I suppose they did what they thought was best and who am I to know what is best. I bet it's really hard to change everything around and ask someone to fill a position when you know it's temporary (even though I'm sure there are some menial jobs like "RS room environmental specialist" -which simply makes the RS room presentable each week with chairs and hymnals- that don't normally need to be filled but give someone a chance to serve). Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that it's so good to be able to serve again; to know you're able to contribute in other roles outside of the home to help build the kingdom of God; to make a difference somewhere; to focus one's thoughts on eternal matters.

Debt Fear

2009-11-25T06:32:00.006-07:00

I'm trying to set up a budget. New home, new job (therefore new income), new bills, new Credit Union. Somehow the whole transisiton is putting us in major debt. Curtis' credit card swings out of his wallet so easily. Everything seems like a necessity. Where do we draw the line.

It's easier for me to not spend. It was the way I was raised. Use what you've got, use it up. Don't go by new, make do. This concept is so foreign to Curtis that he usually forgets to recycle even though I have 3 recycle boxes in the kitchen out on the floor.

He's a big spender. I take that back. Compared to most Americans, he probably spends less than normal. Which is why credit card debt is so prevelent. So here I am doing without geroceries for the rest of the month because I won't buy them on credit. I think it's fine. We have food storage. We can eat out of can for a week or so. We are eating hot cereal for breakfast until we get paid again since we have no milk, eggs, or cheese. When my mom suggested to eat raw apples to help with some recent family digestion problems, I thanked her but realized I can't just go to the store and buy apples right now.

So this is where I'm at when Curtis announces he is buying another $500 gun case. Obviously we are on totally different planets. In my attempt to understand him and not make him feel controled but to keep us out of further debt, I said he could sell my Nikon camera and it's gear and use that. It's an extra. He thinks I don't want my camera now. Of course I want it. It's been a dream of mine to be a photographer. But I want us to stay afloat more.

So I'm really nervous about our inheritance money coming this next month. We've decided to purchase a duplex with it but what if he decides to nickle and dime it away instead!

I keep thinking I should just get this budget set up and convince him to cut up his credit card. That if I just budget in spending money for him, he could save up for whatever he wants. But I wasn't planning on budgeting much for that so how could he afford all his fancy clothes, flat TV, tall ladder, gun stuff? I suppose I need to budget a big enough spending allowance for him. All I know is that I'm in quite the uncomfortable and not healthy possition right now telling him that I don't think we can afford a gun safe.
____________________________________________
Update: a couple of hours later: Wow, my husband is wonderful. After scripture and prayer this morning, but before breakfast we laid on the snuggie warm (radient heated) carpet and talked about my concerns. Since I had been able to figure out my feelings via the start of this post this morning, I knew how to formulate my thoughts. Instead of being the myrter and selling my camera, we decided to hold off on big purchases and work on getting out of debt but to budget in a larger monthly spending amount for Curtis (his "fun" money) so he can realistically save up for his big purchases. My man has great communication skills and is slow to anger. Married life is so fun with a partner so willing to work things out!

No Hidden Agendas

2009-11-23T15:01:00.005-07:00

Years ago, Steve described his sweet love for his future wife to me, his baby sister of early teen years. He explained that he admired how she interacted with "no hidden agendas."

This really stuck with me. For one, because it took me awhile to discover what he meant (As the youngest child trying to prove I was just as mature as the rest, I never admitted to not knowing something). For two, because as I try to unravel the reasons why some interactions I have feel nice and others freaky, I usually discover that hidden agendas freak things up.

What's their motive? If not transparent=what you see is what they meant, I don't want to have anything to do with it. I don't like others to try to manipulate the situation and especially not me in order to get what they want. Not for any reason, not even in my best interest.

I think females have more of a tenancy to do such an act which I think is why my close friends in high school were males. I didn't like all the complicated social games of emotional importance. I liked how the guys in my life told you if they were upset instead of letting it boil inside until talking behind someone's back seemed like the best outlet.

In pursuing NO HIDDEN AGENDAS in my life, I have to be careful with those I love most: my husband and kids. I have to remind myself daily to have the motive behind working on the environment in my home to be to invite the spirit and teach correct principles to our children rather than to work on the environment in order to get them to behave how I want. I have been totally open and honest with Curtis rather than secretly getting others to friendship him or secretly buying g's to replace his older ones.

I best help others to make good choices in their life by working on my own choices.I best show the path to God by walking on it myself. It's such an unrighteous burden off of my shoulders now that I have been strong enough (with God's strength) to implement in my life the principle of being responsible to others (not for them). I now have no hidden agendas.

1st Snow

2009-11-14T11:11:00.005-07:00

An hour ago it began to snow the first snow of the year. It's especially delightly for my children-- who have been raised in Oregon where the snow is very infrequent. It's a crisp, blowing wild snow --sideways it comes down--tiny prikles of ice on the cheeks.

We've only been in our new house on this mountian one week. We're not quite winterized. We've been working hard but today was going to be the day when we got it all done. Oops. When Curtis saw it coming down he quickly canceled my plans to buy window coverings and ran outside to replace the front step. I wish Winter had waited one more day, but knowing Utah, there will probably be summer days when all the snow melts intermixed this blizzardy days during the next few weeks.

Yesterday was lovely outside. While Zaharah napped, I took the monitor and Sterling and Myles next door to rake out Cara's flowerbed.

I'm so blessed to have such a friend as Cara. She is someone I can really count on--I'm confident she'll always be near. We have a good time together. I appriciate her work ethic, desire to be better everyday, and the love she eminates to everyone and everthing she is around. She also has great self control but struggles in many of the same areas as I such as the debiltating fears that sometimes sneak up on us. She likes to get together to work; it's really fun. She doesn't mind asking me for help and she's right there for me when I need help. Most of all her motives are pure and centered on Christ and goodness. What more can I ask? I am so blessed.

Zinc

2009-11-14T10:24:00.000-07:00

During my morning run today I met our neighbor Zinc. He was a kind, elderly man with a knitted beany. We chatted awhile about our ansestry and the fate of local fruit orchards. In closing we hugged. Mine a tenative request; his a whole hearted embrace. I felt so invigorated I ran faster until my body gave out.

The air was so cold that my lungs stung and not from further expansion. Little did I know it was soon to dump a huge amount of snow all day. How will I go running now?

Sterling's Spiders in the Night

2009-11-14T07:08:00.003-07:00

I awoke at 2:30am to Sterling screaming at his door (his handle is too tricky for him to open). I went in and he surprisingly was able to communicate the problem. He pointed to his bed and said "spider. bed. spider" over and over. I invisioned some huge hairy-legged creeping spider but tried to act as casual and unaffraid as possible as I shook out his blankies and turned over all the bedding to show him that there was nothing to be afraid of. And there wasn't. Nothing was there and I was pretty thourough about it too. With it so dark in there I'm sure it was just a bad dream.

I picked Sterling up and rocked him as I sat on his bed. He was shaking I assumed from waking so suddenly when he was so tired in a deep sleep. I wanted so badly to create the romantic scenes I've seen or read about where the mother sooths the child that has a nightmare with a beautiful song whose reference soothes that child for the rest of their lives. They think back to all the nights that mom was there, singing that song. But I had no song. I considered the ritual a mother did on Grey's Anatomy a few episodes ago, but it seemed too wierd to try to emulate a silly TV sitcom. I thought of the song one of my roomates in college's mom used to sing to her about angels watching her while she slept, but the tune and lyrics were not conciously available. So I rocked him until he climbed into bed.

Then I went back to bed and kept rubbing my own arms and back at the slightest tickle to make sure there were no spiders.

Moving In

2009-11-07T21:21:00.000-07:00

We moved in today! Jerem, Donnie, Eric and Grandpa Ron met Curtis and Ron III at our storage garage in North Salt Lake this morning at 9:30am and loaded all the rest of our enormous amount of stuff that we obviously don't need seeing how we've lived without it for the past 7 months. he he. But it'll be great to have our food storage and other resources again. I am determined to simply and dejunk. Live simply that others may simply live and all of that. But I actually am using much less of the world's resources by having so much stuff. I make due with what I got instead of discarding all I am not currently using just to go buy everything I need when I need it.

It was easier when I lived in Brownsville because they actually had a second-hand store that helped everyone in the community. They're prices were so reasonable and inexpensive that I could buy and reuse what others weren't currently using. And then I felt great about donating all I didn't need because I knew my donations were in capable hands and would be carefully displayed. I knew that when I shopped there, it wasn't weeding through a bunch of junk. The volunteers at that store made it a lovely place to find what one needed. This is in stark contrast to the Deseret Industries (D.I.) found here in Utah. I'm sure they must be doing a lot of good for someone but they are very frustrating to me. People don't want to donate to them because they often trash what is donated and they're prices on the junk they display are astronomical. You could buy the same things for the same prices for brand new!

When I came to UT, many loved ones offered clothes and other items they no longer needed to me. I thanked them profusely and offered to take that which I didn't need to the D.I. But they said to just give it back to them and they would find others that could use it. What a pain! I wish there was a second-hand store that worked. I guess that's what we have Craig's List and KSL.com for. The only possible reason I can see why someone would shop at the D.I. is to either feel good about not buying new things (reusing) or to possibly find the good buy beneath all the expensive junk.

When Ron turned 8 in August, I frequented the D.I. to find him a "new" (to him) bike. But they were all in terrible condition, with stripped gears, rusty chains and flat tires. The D.I. worker that helped me get the bikes down from their hanging possition told me that I would be much better off buying a new one from Wal-Mart (the anthesis of re-use and make-do). I took the advice. That is exactly what I did. I bought from that moster chain because it was cheep and I'm on a budget and there aren't any second-hand stores that I've found that work out here. The D.I. is massive an ineffective. How could another store survive when everyone who is willing to donate is giving to the D.I.?

Anyway, climbing down from my soap box to finish my post about moving in.

After loading the rest of our stuff from Ron and Shelly's house first thing this morning, I took the kids and Shelly to our new house. Ron III stayed with dad and grandpa (the other 2 Ron's) since he's old enough to help carry boxes.

Kareena met us at the house and us ladies got to work cleaning it. The large refridgerator took quite some time plus all the shelves in the kitchen. I worked on the bathrooms. I had thought it would be a quick job since it looked clean (newly painted walls and new flooring, etc) plus cleaning our last house had been so quick. But our house in Brownsville had been cleaned by the previous owners before they left. This house wasn't touched by the previous owners even though they signed a contract that it would be left broom cleaned. Everything, including the walls have a film of dust or perhaps contruction grime. I forgot my vinigar (what I usually clean with) so we had to use harsher chemicals barrowed that weren't good for the septic tank but I figured we'd start using non-antibacterial tomarrow.

Donnie, Grandpa Ron and Curtis showed up in their trucks each carrying a trailer at noon. I had coordinated our next door neighbors to come and help unload. Kareena went to Wal-Mart for Magic Erasers (Shelly's request) and I asked her to pick up a shower curtin and hoggie sandwhiches for everyone (Shelly added that we should have chips too). I had bottles waters in the car since we didn't have any cups unpacked yet.

Our next door neighbors to the South own the land by us. Our 2 acres were sectioned off from their 20 back in the day (so their property now looks like a Utah shape). They showed up with their 17 year old son, 9 year old son all willing to help. Their 9-year-old son even made us brownines all on his own. They were so welcoming! So warm and friendly.

We had a great time. We unloaded most of the furniture and boxes labeled kitchen inside and everything else was put in the 2 car gerage. I joke that I'll just bring in one box at a time and carefully dejunk and organize and put it away. But Curtis wants the gerage cleaned out quickly and everything put in their general areas to be organized later. I suppose he's right. He teases me for being such a perfectionist.

Cathy and her entire lovely family showed up with Dinner. Ron's favorite: chicken noodle soup. It was excellent! She's so giving! Her family had leftovers in the car on the way so we could have the entire crock pot of yummy soup (we ate it for two nights).

New Job; New House

2009-11-03T19:59:00.000-07:00

Curtis started his new job today as Director of Nursing over Home Health and Hospice. To top it off, just after he left for work I received an email from the owners of the house we had been trying to buy stating that they would come down to $290K if we came up to 5% interst on the loan. It was a done deal but I just wanted one last thing done: a termite inspection.

The company I happened to call was the same company they had inspect their house 2 years ago at which time there were termites! Obviously this in one of the reasons why the owners didn't want to fill out a Seller's Disclosure. I suddenly began to see them as not so honest afterall. I tried to give them the bennefit of the doubt, though and said to myself that they thought they had taken care of the problem and there was no need to bring it up.

Long story short (hopefully I'll take the time to write out the story someday), we paid for the injection of termite killer ourselves and closed on the house at 5:30pm.

Appraisal Results

2009-10-28T22:05:00.000-06:00

The Appraisal came back tonight at 8pm--just 36 hours before closing. Here I had been stressed about how to get everything done for our move on Friday but now all plans are put on hold and we don't know what's going to happen.

We were supposed to buy the house for $330K with $30K down and at a fixed interst rate of 4.25% for 30 years. The owners were owner financing and there was a prepayment penalty of 10K if paid off within 24 months.

But the appraisal came back at $280K (50K less than the agreed upon Purchase Price)!!!

Honestly Being Fair

2009-10-22T15:21:00.001-06:00

I taught a lesson to my 4 year old Sunday School class last week on honesty. The manual defined it as 3 things:
1-telling the truth
2-not stealing
And the third definition was not guessed by the class nor I! And it’s got me thinking a lot.
3-treating other’s fairly.

How many times do we congratulate ourselves for getting a great deal on a purchase or when we make an arrangement with someone else and we get the greater good from it. And yet I think that through this definition we are not being fair and therefore not honest.

Perhaps this conscience is what prevented me from signing up for Chip or free lunches/breakfasts at the school even though we can’t afford health insurance or school lunch and we qualify for the help. It’s because I know that we are not destitute. I know that I can afford to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for my kids each day for lunch. Granted it’s not the fancy lunches they get at school but I think it’s wrong that this country conditions it’s citizens to believe that beggars should be choosers (particularly those that don’t pay taxes: the “poor” and those here illegally).

Many would argue that we pay so much in taxes that we are entitled to receive all the benefits we can qualify for. But who came up with this thinking of entitlement? Why not all work hard to provide for our families and be generous to all we meet instead of demanding that Obama take care of us (as he led us to believe he would).

So many people are going bankrupt or asking the credit card companies if they can pay pennies on the dollar. Is that honest? Sure you can argue that the credit card companies are gouge people but isn’t that what they signed up for? I have tens of thousands of credit card debt from when we were out of work for 6 months back when Curtis was studying to retake the NCLUX (plus some from the year he took care of the finances and bought a lot of guns). But I charged full knowing that it would be hard to pay off and it would take many years and that I would pay lots of interest. Would it be honest now for me to pretend that I couldn’t make the minimum payment now just so I can get the great deal of which “everyone else” is taking advantage?

I’m not judging those who do. Almost everyone I know and love has taken advantage of one of the senereos at one point or another and most likely rightly so. They probably really couldn’t afford to buy lunches, pay their credit card debt, etc. I’m just trying to figure out what is honest for me personally.

The last example I’m exploring is the house we are under contract to buy right now. We are buying it directly from the owner and they are owner financing it. I wanted to get an appraisal anyway. In the contract I wrote up I put that if the appraisal came back less than the agreed upon price that the contract would be void and a new agreement could be reached at the appraised price. I certainly didn’t want to pay for a house more than it is worth. So when I called around to hire an appraiser I thought about getting one that is known for their low appraises but didn’t feel good about doing that. Then when I found one I considered telling him how I thought the house was probably worth less than the price we had agreed upon and I wanted to make sure through an appraisal so we could come down on the price, but I just didn’t feel like that was honest either. So I did what I thought was honest (fair) and said that we just wanted to find out what it was worth (I didn’t tell him the purchase price).

I think that’s fair. I think that’s honest. Would I come up on the price if the appraisal came back higher than the asking price? No, because it would be more than the house is worth to us (and more than we can afford). Plus it is worth it to the seller to sell it for the agreed upon price and he’s not in a bind to sell it or anything (he owns it outright and is not having any financial problems).

At this time of economic depression, house hunting has been disheartening. Almost every great price on the market had a sad story behind it of a family loosing their home. That’s doesn’t leave a great aura in the house. I don’t want the stories left behind in the house I live in to be one of heartbreak, dreams being crushed, and financial strife. But then again I wouldn’t let that sway me from a house because I believe that beggars can’t be choosers (meaning we need to live within our meager means regardless of our picky desires).

Gazelles are Graceful

2009-10-21T09:48:00.001-06:00

There’s something therapeutic about writing for me. I make up crazy thoughts in my mind that can only be discovered though seeing them in print. Countless times my emotions seem to take over my body and the source of this reign of eccentricism (probably not a word) can only become apparent through exploration—visually on the page before me. Although something may be revealed through my handwriting plus I just love avoiding electronics when it’s not too hindering, I usually like to type so my hand doesn’t get tired and I can get so many more thoughts out faster.

I went running again today with Janeal. She runs marathons all the time so I am pathetic next to her. What a great opportunity I have to push myself. Unfortunately she is a sweety-pie and doesn’t make me go harder than I want.

I tried to push myself. At one point on the way back I wanted so badly to ask her to walk for a bit again. We were running on the straightest road ever and the end was just so far away. I saw trees so far into the distance next to the road. The masochist in me said “just make it past that grove and then you can walk.” When I swallowed I felt like gagging, if I thought about it I thought I could throw up but I threw out such thoughts quickly and replaced them with “be a gazelle. Graceful as a Gazelle!” I told myself that I would be so proud of myself all day if I gazelled it all the way to the end of the trees. And I did it! Let it be documented here that although I didn’t want to with my every aching muscle, I knew it would be good for me and I did it!

In attempts to make our run more enjoyable and mix it up a bit, I suggested we sprint from time to time. I just love this part. I feel like I’m flying! She says it reminds her of being a carefree child.

I’m trying to remember how I just used to love waking up before everyone else. Like I had a head start on everything. I guess I’m just too tired to care right now. But I think I can remember if I think about it long enough and the joy I used to feel starting my day out with healthy exercise, scripture study, journal writing and thoughtful prayer.

I am determined to progress. I’m working on my communication skills. I used to connect with others so easily and just eat it up. But for several months now I seem to only put in the minimum effort to get by. I want to make a difference. I want to do a little good in other’s lives. Hopefully with this mind set and the Lord’s power, positive change can come. I think the secret is to love. Trying to fulfill some formula to try to make the other person feel understood, connected or good may be frustrating as it can be manipulative and controlling. But to genuinely focus on the good traits of the person as a means to feel love for them, praying for those feelings and trying to understand the feelings/meaning behind what they say is where it’s at. You’re not trying to get the person to behave or do or feel anything, you are just trying to love. You don’t need to rely on them for success. You only need to rely on the Lord who is always willing and ready if we condition ourselves for His intervention. His loving way.

His feelings of hope, peace; of well-being and kindness. Anxiety and feel run far away and faith in His power is here in its stead. To exist without anxiety is so incredible for me. This desire and knowing that through Christ is the only way it happens for me, is such a motivating factor for staying on the path of righteousness, the straight and narrow way, gripping firmly to the Rod of Iron (God’s word).

Holy Sprit & Conference

2009-10-03T14:02:00.001-06:00

When Jesus visited those in the Americas after He was crucified, He taught the ancestors of Native Americans just as He had taught the Jews (Matt. 5: 6) “And blessed are all they who do hunger and thirst after righteousness, for they shall be filled with the Holy Ghost.” (3 Ne. 12: 6)

I do hunger and thirst after righteousness. When I pursue this desire, sometimes with only the thoughts of becoming a little better and trying a little harder and reaching a little higher, I feel the sweet comfort and peace of the Holy Spirit. I feel it in my chest and shoulders like a comfy sweater and yet it provides so much more than warmth. It covers me with assurance, hope, love, excitement for the adventures of life, energy to keep going, desire to help others, and confidence that I’m doing a good job in my endeavors. This is such an incredible gift. One that I cannot receive anywhere else. I wish I could tell everyone I love about it especially Nika.

I almost always think of her when I learn a new loving way of explaining the gospel (God’s plan for us). I imagine writing her about it (since I’m terrible on the phone), hoping she would begin to understand, that her heart would soften to hear the Holy Ghost. But I haven’t hardly contacted her since I moved to Utah 6 months ago, let alone shared my testimony. I guess I don’t think she’d be receptive to it and therefore feel I was trying to push something on her for selfish reasons. But I’m not. I just want everyone to feel the joy I have felt, unlike any of the normal happiness I’ve experienced. It’ not like the happiness I feel out with friends when we’re having fun. It’s a love for all those around me and an assurance that everything is going to be okay, even GREAT! It is something to work for because the result is the best gift ever!

I really enjoyed what was said in General Conference so far today about the Holy Spirit (also called the Holy Ghost). I felt new understanding and it was exciting. Every word during that second talk was so precious to me. I can’t wait until it comes out in the Ensign so I can read over it again. I want to write more but the next session of General Conference is starting now so I’ll finish this post later.

Scourges

2009-09-30T07:23:00.003-06:00

Just as the Nephites of old were scourged by the Lamanites to stir them up in remembrance of God (2 Nephi 5:25), my anxiety scourges me. The Nephites sometimes chose to battle such enemy with the Lord's strength and He delivered them from their murderous hands. Other times they chose to fight on their own, using their own strength and then fell before their enemies' swords and eventually were wiped out.

So it is with my battle against sin, anxiety, pride, anger and everything else that ails me. They can help me learn humility before God, strengthening me with His love and power, teaching me beyond what mankind may know. Or I can try to fight the battle on my own, not recognizing my obvious inabilities and mortal weaknesses, and succumbing to such thinking and action will eventually wipe out my progression.

Play us a Song; Your the Piano Man

2009-09-27T09:04:00.003-06:00

I have personally been commanded to keep company with those who share my same high values. And yet I went to a bar last night. They have much nicer atmospheres in Utah than Oregon because no one by law is allowed to smoke inside. I just LOVE live music and Curtis had found this seemingly very classy dueling piano place that he thought I would love. He expressed regret when we got there and realized it was just the average over-crowded drunk bar where inhabitants think it’s funny to speak vulgarity or of sexual misconduct especially when they use those two seemingly hilarious topics ensemble.

“It looked much classier online,” my considerate hubby apologized. And the piano playing was enjoyable. That is until the players would change the words to sound sexually deviant to arouse the crowd’s involvement. Curtis ordered me a fruity virgin drink. The server seemed bugged that I didn’t keep ordering all night.

In my innocence, I had showed up at the bar without my ID. I’m not used to being carded. So I had to sneak in by becoming friends with a silly drunk woman who professed to be turning 38 that night and luckily had a cousin who looked like me plus she knew the doorman. When I gave the doorman my barrowed ID, she distracted him by asking to be stamped again, this time on her breast. He willingly complied.

The biggest joke of the evening in my estimation was the impossible amount of birthday patrons the bar held in one evening. People must really like to be humiliated in front of a crowd (that or their friends put them up to it).

During upbeat songs I took my hubby or his lovely sister’s hand and danced to the music. These were the highlights to the evening especially when they played my most favorite big band song. It’s the one where the audience repeats the singer’s jazzy gibberish back to him during the chorus. You know what one I’m talking about? I think it’s a Benny Goodman song. Anyway, one of our piano men began playing that and I couldn’t keep still particularly when he progressively increased the tempo at the end! But eventually they began playing melodic 80’s hits and I fell asleep against Curtis’ chest only to suddenly awake at the sweet sound of the Violent Fems! I was up and dancing before I even remembered I had been tired.

I have to admit that it was fun to get out of the house and go to the city for a night on the town and I DO love to dance. But overall I have concluded that such an establishment does not attract those with the same high values as I and therefore will be usually avoided in the future.

Hold On

2009-09-24T12:11:00.002-06:00

Suspended between anxious indirection and the tasks slowly unfolding before me using my seemingly numb hands. Below this tight rope, far away, firmly on the ground I know in whom I have trusted but I cannot seem to shake this anxiety—to see past this haze—to find the ladder down to firmness again. The only time I feel anything beyond this dullness is when anger arises and I criticize in spurts those I love most.

Too dizzy to formulate words for a prayer yet I seek for comfort from this pain, refuge from this storm inside me. There are many bodily stimulants that reportedly bring solace or at least temporary distraction. And comfort food is widely accepted as a form of happiness. Somewhere deep inside I know it’s wrong. I can even remind myself that such behavior (misusing your body as a substitute for love) can be such a bad example to young boys that it promotes future pornography use. But right now all I can see is a way out of this binding that keeps me from feeling real. I’ve never known food to really turn me on but it works for so many other people that maybe if I stuff myself long enough I’ll become an addict. Or maybe if I focus my thoughts onto desiring the very taste of my favorite junk foods, then I’ll receive some sort of high or “comfort” as people call it.

Trying it won’t hurt, right? It’s not like eating Oreos or chips is terribly bad for you or spiritually wrong. And I’ve never heard the leaders of the church directly even talk about the dangers of gluttony or obesity. But God knows my heart and knows my motives for such seemingly innocent intoxication. And I know where that path can lead. I have so many other weaknesses and distractions in my life, why try to create another! As far as I understand, the lusts of the body are the worst kinds of sins. They are the most distracting from God’s love of all. They seem to deter one’s thinking the most.

As I casually just try a couple of chips left out on the counter, I see a book up on the shelf that reads “Hold On” and inside I sing Michal McLean’s reassuring message. I remind myself that I may not accomplish much today, I may not even brush my hair but if I just take it easy, play with play dough with Myles and Sterling, read a book to the kids and wait out the storm inside, this too will pass. My mind searches for healthier ways to hope for the future. If I had a basic schedule, I wouldn’t desperately wonder what I should be accomplishing next. Then I start formulating words for the pain inside and I know I must write.

Taking a look as my truly indescribable tornado inside has helped it dissipate and I feel aware enough to pray and to thank Heavenly Father for the disolving anxiety. Truly I’m not covered in the warmth of His love right now, but at least I’m willing to work for it now.

Goompa’s Funeral

2009-09-14T19:15:00.000-06:00

Today was Goompa’s funeral. He was such an amazing man. A spiritual and emotional leader of the entire family. The glue that held us together and strengthened us as a family unit. He presided well and loved us well. He lived his life within the parameters of good sound principles, not meandering all over but straightway progressing forward. He had time for individuals even though he was greatly adored. He is greatly missed here but we are happy for his well-deserved and sought after union with beloved Nana again. We were so blessed to have had him for so long. He was nearly 92 years old.

What!?!

2009-09-08T18:00:00.004-06:00

Baffled by Curtis' incessent rediculas reactions to his desire to not let his sons be picked on. This fear is the motivation behind such advice as telling Myles to punch his little 3 year old cousin in the mouth when she said something rude to him.

Myles came to me with a sincere concern and as I was empathyzing with how he must feel, Curtis says he would punch her in the mouth if she said that to him. Of course I thought he was kidding around so I quickly hit his belly (totally soft--more like a nudge) as I was passing him and asked him to stop teasing.

He pleaded to his mother for support and she said that hitting Curtis wasn't the answer. Of course I thought that was a tease too since of course I hadn't actually hit hit him. But when I found them totally serious I left the table setting to them and came to the computer. Writing always gets the bugs out of my head.

I don't want to react to the negative feeling inside but this is ludicrist. Curtis never punched anyone in his life that I know of. Of course he wouldn't hit a 3 year old girl as he told Myles he would.

Curtis would never "hurt a fly." He is so kind and gentle. Hopefully the kids will learn from his actions not his tough talk.

Update: That night Curtis appologized to the boys and to me for what he said. He told us that in fact he would never hit anyone even if they said something rude. I think it was silly ol' fear motivating him to have said something so rediculas. He has issues from his childhood about bullies making fun of him and he didn't want his boys to be hurt the same way (this one neighborhood kid used to make him feel terrible when he cried and to this day he doesn't cry).

The little cousin wasn't even bullying Myles; she was only bugged when he didn't want to his her goodbye again so said in so many words that she wouldn't like him. Anyway, what I'm saying is that Curtis just spoke without thinking like we all do at times. I'm so glad for the atonement to take care of those times. I'm glad for the gospel to show us how to forgive. I'm glad that this hard time isn't something that will stand in our way in the future. I'm so grateful for progression.

New Friends

2009-08-28T12:06:00.001-06:00

Jeni invited two other of her Utah friends to go with us to a Yoga class tonight. It was fantastic. Although it was a more advanced class, and I a beginner, I ended up really enjoying it.

The first position we were in the instructor asked us to lift our leg. As I did so my leg shook at the effort and I thought “What in the world am I doing? How can I possibly make it through this class!” But I did it and it felt great. I love to pay special attention to the details in the positions and breathing during exercise and Yoga does just that.

We met in an old building in the Avenues. To enter the room, one must walk through the garden in the back of the building and remove your shoes. Everything about the experience was relaxing and yet hard work. I did sweat and yet felt great.

Afterwards, us 4 new friends only connected through our association of Jeni, met for dinner at a Tibetian restaurant in the avenues. I had egg drop tomato soup and chicken curry. Yum yum.

No One Likes an Unsolicited Self-Analysis

2009-08-28T11:38:00.001-06:00

Nothing in particular happened to prompt me to want to write this post. I am simply trying to come up with healthier thoughts and behaviors for myself.

It’s one thing to go to a therapist or a good friend for help with certain quirks that are bothering you, but when you get approached by someone analyzing you, it feels quite different. Even if that someone is a loved one and even if that analysis is not necessarily negative, it makes people feel boxed into a stereo-typed label, unable to get out and progress beyond.

Perhaps when there are occasional behaviors that others have that I want to point out, I should stay away from trying to figure out their motives or issues behind them and simply take that person aside and say ‘when this happens, I feel this way.’

For an untrue example, if I keep making Curtis late to church, he might say to me “I have noticed we have been late to church a lot lately. When we are late to church, I feel embarrassed. I would really like to be on time for church from now on.” And the best time to approach the matter certainly would not be on the way to church. Not when it is a stressful time, but more like during a family meeting (if the whole family is involved in the tardy-making) or at a calm, unrushed time for talking one on one. Sometimes it’s hard to find a casual time to bring it up so a “can I talk to you for a minute” must precede it even though that makes it a bit more awkward. It’s better than having it come out at a stressful time when words feel more like javelins.

This is something I want to work on.

Update at 2:47pm same day:
This new plan of action has worked well already. When I wanted my kids to do something today, instead of just telling them what I want them to do differently, I told them the consequences of the undesired behavior verses the desired behavior. It’s not exactly what I was talking about earlier in this post, but kinda similar.

For instance, instead of exasperatingly telling them once again to not run in the house during quiet time, I explained that it needs to be quiet for Zaharah, Sterling and I to be able to sleep and when they run it wakes us up. Myles said, “we won’t do it again, Mom.” Music to my ears.

I was calm and loving and they were attentive and listening. They probably will forget again or perhaps even do it again out of indifference, but they would have just as easily if I had gotten mad or given a lecture. And getting mad can cause so much damage to their moldable, open souls.

I need to reprogram my thinking away from the idea that I need to use harsh tones to let them know when something is important to me. I say “reprogram” because I already have decided it’s true but my actions sometimes speak otherwise (even when I am not really upset). It’s been hardwired --probably from the way I was raised and from the positive results I have gotten from the kids when I get frustrated. I need to sever that thinking and show my brain a new path to take. Perhaps-- hopefully simply by practicing the right way enough times, my thinking will be hardwired in this peaceful, loving way.

Concert

2009-08-27T23:52:00.002-06:00

Jeni S. is in town for a few days so she called me up. She said she knew how cheep I was so found a few free activities we could do. Last night was a free concert at the park (the G. center downtown Salt Lake), tonight was a Yoga class free to first time comers, and tomorrow is the Farmer’s Market (which I may miss to go house hunting with the family). The concert last night was fantastic. We entered the fenced off area and were immediately surrounded by swarms of fantastic people vibrating a fabulous atmosphere.

It was so good to be able to experience me again. Just me, not me as my role as wife or mother, but just me having fun. Something deep within me is unleashed in the presence of good live music.

The band was Robert Randolph and the Family Band. Their music rocked funky, gospel in my soul. Trying to dance in the massive crowd in front of the stage proved difficult but we finally found ourselves in an ideal spot just behind the VIP tent which was crowded except for behind the lone sound person where we were positioned. Not as crowded there and in one of the only spots you can see the stage, it was the most ideal spot to take in the music and dance!

The Gallivan Center isn’t set up well for large concerts as most of the people couldn’t see the stage. Even pictures of it online show people all crowded in too close to dance and too far off to the side of the stage to see. Also, the ground doesn’t slope to provide viewing even when you are close and center. But the music was amazing and the vibe good—at first anyway.

Pretty soon everyone was lighting up in this “non-smoking venue” and Jeni, who lives in Eugene Oregon and is used to pot smoke, couldn’t stand all the smoke. She said many were smoking either much harder drugs or impure pot. She was feeling sick so we ended up leaving early and only saw the one band.

When we got to the alley way where we parked our car, we found ourselves loving the old brick building ahead of us protecting the rare bookstore within. We shined the headlights onto the bricks and took turns setting up shots of the other using my Blackberry and no flash.

A big vehicle full of friendly guys pulled up and talked to us. Jeni was so nervous she jumped into the car and tried to turn over the already on car. I chatted for a moment until the driver said “You girls are pretty.” and I said pointing to Jeni “She’s pretty. I’m married.”

As we drove away Jeni was flabbergasted at my trust and said I was dangerously nieve. It was fun. I love meeting new people. And Jeni’s reaction was funny to me too.

Christ Makes Works Work

2009-08-22T19:45:00.001-06:00

I used to think we had to do what we could and Christ made up the difference. That we were in charge of works and Christ was in charge of grace. That we had to try to basically save ourselves and be perfect by ourselves but then we could use the atonement when we messed up.

One of my former running partners and I used to discuss religion a lot. She was Christian but not of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I once said to her that we had to but turn to Christ and He would lead us but she argued that He not only takes us but also is the one that causes us to turn to Him so He did that too.

This bothered me because I felt it was in conflict with our free agency, our important ability to choose for ourselves. But perhaps she was trying to say something like the following I was just mulling over:

Christ not only is in charge of grace, he in the enabling power behind works.
Our works, what we do in our lives. For we are powerless without Christ.
He enables me to listen intently to my children when I am really busy and they ramble on. He makes it possible for me to calm my temper when they blatantly disobey. He speaks peace and love to my soul when I would otherwise feel despair. Without Him I would be powerless against my natural tenancies to be angry, anxious and depressed. I cannot just muster up enough strength to leave all my bad habits behind. No, I only progress with Christ’s power directly influencing me as I choose to walk His path.

Every morning I recognize His strength and plead for more as I recommit myself to walk in His ways for another day. I recognize in prayer His ability to make the world feel alright around me and for me to care about others.

Even though I have righteous desires, my ability to carry them out would never be realized without the strength I receive from Christ. He is the strength behind my ability to turn to Him when I choose to want to and work on leaving the cares of the world behind and instead learn the ways of the Lord.

Missing Oregon

2009-08-18T16:01:00.001-06:00

Remembering our lives in Oregon is a painful past-time. I ache for Brownsville, my friends and our lovely home. The comforts of being settled, having great weather, having room enough to breathe, and a laid back culture are so far away now. I don’t regret coming. I know it was the right thing to do. But I miss it too much to be able to think about it much. I am sure when we are more settled I’ll feel differently. Oregon is a wonderful place. It’s what I picture heaven to be like.

House Hunting

2009-08-18T15:50:00.003-06:00

We went through a house yesterday that would be a fabulous deal. It's only 4 years old in one of those developments but the family that had lived there totally trashed it. It's huge with a huge yard and a walking path just behind it. It has a big kitchen and 3 livingrooms and a food storage room the size of a bedroom. Huge walk in closet and master bath with shower and jetted tub. There are holes in the wall, junk in the gerage, dead grass in the backyard with a trampoline that is flush with the ground (in a big hole). The lanolium in the kitchen needs to be replaced and the carpet throughout the house but there are so many pluses too like great light fictures and 5 big bedrooms and a 2 car gerage. A corner lot at the start of a cul-di-sac. Their asking $225K but our realtor thinks we could offer full price with having them either give us $10K for fix up or have them replace and fix it up first (since it's bank owned they'd do the first). However, since it's not in good condition, we can't get a FHA load which requires only 5% down so we would need 10% down and we don't have it. Ron and Shelly alread took out a loan on their house for their other daughter so they can't help us so I don't think we can make this one work for us even though it'd have great equity quickly (a house with a similar floor plan and size is listed at $325K in the same cul-di-sac). It would be a great investment so we're trying to figure out a way.

If not, there's a for sale by owner that I talked down today from $238,500 and she would throw in many of the things in the house that I like (I could just walk through it with her and pick which items I wanted to keep). She said this because I hald told her how much I liked all her furniture and decorations when we were touring the house. It's in a great neighborhood but not as fancy and therefore would be a nice place to live but not bring in the equity of the other house especially since it's right by the freeway and train tracks. It also doesn't have a gerage, and it has a small hallway-like kitchen and the masterbath is only a half bath.

The 3rd option is to build but even though building costs are incredibly low, I don't think we can afford it even though it's the only option where we would live where I want, in a house I want (historic looking).

Plus there are the options of investment properties: 1) a tiny house for only $120 in Bountiful where similar houses are selling for $170 because it has a cracked foundation. We could offer lower, fix the foundation and sell it for more. 2) a man in Idaho is willing to owner finance several investment properties but we'd have to move up there to manage them. 3)a fourplex in run-down condition in Roy for only $170 near a busy street. We would live in one unit and rent out the rest which might cover the mortgage just with 3. But it's empty right now and so it'd cost a bunch to get it going (fix up and finding renters). There are 3 of the same four-plexes all right in a row for sale but we could only afford one right now.

So there are a lot of options and a lot to think about. It's hard to know what to do but the Lord directed us here; I am sure He'll help.

Thoughts Indicating Progression

2009-08-14T14:50:00.000-06:00

Thoughts have such a powerful influence in my life. To recognize thoughts and categorize them as helpful or hindering and then throw away the hindering, replacing them with helpful has been such a HUMONGOUS benefit in my life!!

If my motive to clean the kitchen includes thoughts of love to serve my mother-in-law, my mood is lightened and my progression towards eternal life continues. But when my thoughts behind the exact same action are to prove to her that I am a good person, a sort of competitive nature, I fall behind. My mood darkens and as I give in to more and more such hindering thoughts, my actions falter. I am short-tempered with those I love around me. I reason that I am perfectly legitimate in my critical thoughts of others that ensue. I may be right, their actions may be annoying, frustrating, irrational, etc but the price of analyzing their splinter may cost me the removal of my mote.

And here lies the delicate balance of discussing human nature with others. I must converse with a motive of discovering what is truth and right for me in my own life---how I want to behave. But I must not venture into badmouthing specific others or try to figure out how to change them.

It’s crazy for me to spend time trying to figure out how to gently bring a fault in someone else to their attention. I rationalize, “they don’t seem to even recognize they have it, it’s hurting their character, and I’m sure they would want to change if I pointed it out.” There actually probably is a way to do this with love on a rare occasion. But I haven’t figured out how. I just end up stewing about it for hours at a time, reliving the negative feelings I have when the person does that thing. It puts me in quite the mood and I end up not liking that person as much. So I need to avoid that practice. Instead I think I should consider how I could be a good example to that person of someone who is healthy in that area. This would make me responsible to better myself and love others rather than wrongly thinking I have a responsibility to better others.

I am grateful for the lightness and darkness I feel associated with various thoughts and actions in my life. With such light or dark feelings, I can differentiate what I want in my life. I know that it is the Holy Ghost that whispers these feelings to my soul; a remarkable companion given to me from God after I was baptized. It fills me with light and truth, helps me discern, gives me great comfort, guides me, comforts my anxiety, fills me with peace and love for all people, and gives me hope for the future and faith it will all turn out well. These priceless gifts are not forced upon me, I have to want them. I have to live worthy of being able to feel them. When I make choices to have darkness in my life, my spirit hardens and it’s way harder to feel the Holy Ghost. Then I have to make sometimes great efforts to return to the light and feel of its warmth.

Everyone, even those that have not been baptized and received the gift of the Holy Ghost can still feel its influence at times. It loves to comfort the weary and teach people truth. I know that if we try to recognize when we have felt it we will notice it in our lives as it brings good feelings to our souls. I know that when we want to know if something is true so much that we are willing to change our lives in order to accept it, God will talk to us through the Holy Ghost to let us know if it’s true or not. We will just feel it. This is the means to the greatest knowledge we can pursue.

What is the purpose to pursue truth? Why is it important for people to be baptized into The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints when God loves all His children regardless of their knowledge of Him or their attendance in His son’s church? I believe it is because they will not otherwise be able to progress as much in this life. They won’t be able to call on Christ’s strength to make weak portions of their character strong. And if they reject the truth here, they will still be the same person after they die, so who’s to say that they will suddenly want to pursue truth then? They might be uncomfortable with truth and therefore not want to be around those seeking truth, light, goodness.

We were born into these bodies in order to become more like God who has a body and has all knowledge, light and goodness. We must change from our carnal state full of natural desires. We don’t just accept that our faults are “just the way I am.”

I must quit labeling myself but instead recognize my weaknesses so I can repent and try again to change and be better every day, crying out to God each morning for His strength in such pursuit and crying to Him each evening as I admit when I faltered that day and repent of those wrong-doings.

I am so grateful that God has a plan for us to keep trying every day; a plan where we continue to progress, all the while having the ability to feel of His love instead of thinking we are worthless. I am grateful for the knowledge that I am a child of God and He has sent me here with a plan for me. There is reason for all of this. There is reason for families to strive to be close, for working hard for our dreams, for politics, for mountains, for suffering, for pain, for putting one foot in front of the next until we reach the door that opens to better possibilities.

There is a reason for me. I matter. At times it may seem to me that I don’t matter to many, but I always matter to my Heavenly Father. He loves me tremendously and always wants to listen. He hears me and actually has a perfect understanding of what I am saying and feeling. He knows what I am going through and is always ready to help. He knows the desires of my heart and wants to help me get there. He wants me to be a successful mom and knows I will learn and progress the most if he doesn’t just take away my faults without my strivings and slow advancing. In this fast-paced culture of immediate gratification, it is sometimes hard to gain a testimony of working hard for minute progression. But I know this to be a gospel principle. I am baffled by the scores of people who work so hard in pyramid schemes, driven by their greedy desires to get something for nothing but their gamble proves to be just that and instead they get nothing for something.

Zahara’s Wedding

2009-08-08T17:40:00.000-06:00

Zahara was one of my Young Women when I lived in Florence, OR. From the moment she was introduced to us, Curtis and I loved the name. She married Tyler today in the Salt Lake Temple at 1pm.

I really had to juggle to get there with nursing the baby and having a pirate party for Ron’s 8th birthday this morning. I parked up by the state capital and ran all the way down the hill to temple square (I wasn’t sure where the general public were supposed to park and I didn’t want to waste time looking in all the traffic Salt Lake has). When I crossed the road with the provided crosswalk orange flag, I noticed the people in the cars waiting were watching me cross so I raised the flag up high over my head and as I waved it back and forth I did ballet leaps all across the road. We were all smiling big then. It was such a good day.

James Sarjeant (one of my Young Men from Florence) happened to call me just as I had been parking. He just returned home from his mission and I hadn’t talked to him in ages but I had to cut the call short to make it in time for the wedding. When I called him back afterwards he asked me if he might come stay with us next weekend when he comes to UT for 2 of his old companion’s weddings.

The sealing was so beautiful. Zahara of course was absolutely stunning but what was so exquisite was the peace and love felt in the room. The sealer even said that there were probably angels in the room. He said maybe relatives and as he talked more about that my thoughts were all about Nana again.

I’ve been thinking a lot about her since Cedar City. I think she was there with us. She had loved Cedar City so much. A time with all the girls. Actually, I think she was with me individually. Perhaps she was. And perhaps she was with me today in the temple as well. I wonder how much those that have passed on actually watch over us or if they are too busy with their own progression and teaching. However, I’m sure they are not constrained by time; at least not as we are. Perhaps not having to live within the confines of time is something learned as well after we die.

I’ll end this post with my testimony: This life is not just about getting a body and returning to our Heavenly Father. If so, we could have adopted Satan’s plan. It’s also so much about progressing! We can grow with each covenant, experience, trial, friendship... Ultimately, our progression could not be possible without Christ. He changes us. He makes it possible for weak things in our lives to be made strong. We do not need to accept that “that’s just how I am!!” Way cool (translation: I’m so grateful for that).

I’m so proud of Zahara for making this decision to be married for eternity and for the promises she made to the Lord today. I’m also so proud of Ron for choosing to be baptized and wanting to make those promises involved to the Lord.

These covenants (2 way promises with God) are beautiful mile markers as we progress to be more like Christ and our Heavenly Father. There are so many difficult decisions in our lives so I’m grateful for knowing of the fullness of the gospel of Christ that we might know the path we should take.

Progressing may be difficult at times but is totally rewarding in the end—the end of each knowledge learned and certainly at judgment day when we go where we would feel most comfortable due to the person we have chosen to become.

Out at Night

2009-08-01T00:39:00.000-06:00

My three boys were strangely still up when we got home from a date night out with Donnie and Ilesha tonight. So after I fed the baby, instead of putting them to bed I decided to be spontaneously silly and take them out in the town in their PJs. I asked Curtis if he’d like to come along and he tiredly did.

I was going to go to Temple Square and walk around but Curtis felt it would keep us out too late so we went to the Bountiful Temple just up the street. The temple was still lit up when we got there (sometime just before 11pm) and it was beautiful.

As I was getting the younger kids into the stroller I noticed that Curtis for some reason probably only known to dads was trying to no avail to get Myles’ head to fit through the bars in the iron fence. Then Ron, 2.5 years his senior, fit through and was running wildly with his blanket soaring behind him across the temple lawn. He came back but went in and out of the bars as we walked along. Myles finally found some that he fit through and had fun with Ron.

On the way back they were running inside the gate and we discovered that the bars were slightly closer together closer to the car for Myles could no longer get back. We retraced our steps again and tried periodically to reclaim our son. Finally he fit and it was a silly, fun memory for us all.

I know, it was a little irresponsible to take the kids out so late but it’s fun to do something a little crazy once in awhile.

Socializing Stance

2009-07-30T23:31:00.000-06:00

I know that choosing the better part while socializing is to build the other person up. A selfless, loving act where focus is on the other person. This is a responsibility that should be a focal motive while at church, around family and friends, and even with my spouse. I used to enjoy doing this even if I wasn’t exactly focused on Christlike love for the other person. I really loved talking to anyone about anything because it helped us bond.

But talking takes so much more effort for me as of late. I still like being around everyone, but conversing takes too much energy, plus it’s so mundane and I’m not very good at it lately. So at the family party this evening, I quietly sat mostly in the next room and sometimes outside. More peaceful there. I wasn’t sad. It just felt better there even though I like going to such gatherings.

However, I must like curious behavioral questions because once Ned posed one, I was instantly sucked into the conversation. The wonder in philosophy livened me up dramatically. Conversation easily flowed from me then.

I think usually people don’t like to talk like that. It’s too close to a line of being negative. I think those that don’t converse so view such analytical mass lumping theories as extreme, ridiculous and even gossipy during examples.

I tend to be in such a mode when I go to bookclub. Unfortunately the bookclub I am currently attending is a church ran one and therefore people attend just to be social rather than philosophize and deliberate about the contents of the book. So this last month when I went off on different social theories I had in relation to the book, I could feel the air shift in the room as internal eyebrows raised up and conversation then tried to steer clear of me. “Strange girl trying to mass theorize explanations of life into one clumped ball of yarn in the corner there!”

Most would rather point out the obvious and tell pointless stories of the happenings of their days gone by.

If I weren’t struggling so to keep my emotions and thoughts level and harmonious, I could actually get out of my own head and into someone else’s. I would feel that Christ-like love for them as I focused outwardly. I wouldn’t care if the conversation was fascinating because my motive would not be to be entertained.

I am hopeful that this struggle is only so hard due to the proximity of time since I had my baby (1.5 months ago). Over the next several months, this uneasiness will surely dissipate and the sweet comfort of the spirit will return to encompass me with peace. I pray that then I will be able to be uplifting to others in thier journey through life.

Strength in Others

2009-07-22T09:25:00.000-06:00

I had felt so discouraged this morning.

Last night after I said my personal prayer to Heavenly Father, I didn’t reach out to Curtis’ hand and ask him if he wanted to pray with me as I usually do. It was too hard, too depressing. Praying with him would remind me just how much he doesn’t care about prayer and I wanted to ignore it. Just work on my own personal relationship with the Lord, not worry about Curtis’.

But this morning I did ask him if he would have scripture and prayer with us if I promised not to take more than 5 minutes for reading, 2 minutes for prayer----- then 5 minutes for breakfast together and I told him I was sure that making a lunch wouldn’t take more than 2 minutes and then I would love to have couple prayer with him (surely not taking more than 2 minutes). He declined all of it (for some strange reason he doesn’t eat each day until after 6pm and he likes a diet of junk food). It’s like I hate to ask because I hate being turned down.

Pride? Insecurity? What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I just do my part and leave the rest up to the Lord and to Curtis to choose? But what is my part really? Am I supposed to keep asking? Or can I just worry about me and the children’s relationship with the Lord and ignore his?

I also feel so disconnected from Curtis, from most people, actually. Perhaps it’s a result of hormonal disruption. I feel so overlooked like Dr. Who with a Tardis key around his neck: not invisible but not noticed. Only those who want to see actually see him.

However, as I contemplated all this over a bowl of cereal this morning, my mother-in-law called. She’s on a road trip-camping trip in California this week. She just left last night but this morning she called to say she already missed us. She told me that she loved me and I felt loved and seen. She chooses to see me despite my Tardis ability to seem inconsequential.

I am grateful for the kindness of someone else reaching out to me with such a thoughtful and extremely well-timed phone call.

Parenting Without a Handbook

2009-07-16T15:11:00.000-06:00

Zaharah Michele was born on June 15th at 9:28am weighing 7 lbs 13 oz and 20 inches tall. I love being a mom 4 times over. Every new spirit and fragile body they inhabit is such miracles to me. I am so lucky to be entrusted with an incredible responsibility.

I have such a desire to be a good mom, I’m sure I would be great if someone would just get me the handbook. I seem to need a step by step outline of what to do in each situation.

With my older two, I tend to act as though I think I can make them behave if I just parent correctly. And yet I do understand (in theory, it seems) that my responsibly is to teach not pull the puppet strings. My kids just listen better when I bark out orders to them rather than kindly let them know what I expect. So sometimes I’m so horrified with what comes out of my mouth. “Constantly” would be a better description because it happens nearly daily and sometimes several times in those days. Have I no self control? Is all this confusion just because I’m so sleep deprived, hormonal and miss the cool serenity of Oregon so much?

A Day for Me

2009-06-04T21:50:00.000-06:00

When my mother-in-law offered to watch my boys for the day, I immediately stole away to the local used book store. Every corner of every isle was stacked with books waiting to be sorted onto the overcrowded shelves. I didn’t immediately indulge in rich text but tried to be productive searching the parenting sections. But there was an old book out of place called Singing in the Rain with a great incription. Skipping around in various sections of the book, I sat my 9 month pregnant belly down on the ground and cared not for the lack of nerves being felt in my legs as I read from its dusty and yellowed pages.
The author’s words were detailed and typically darling of the era. Her descriptions splendid and her personal commentary aligned with mine. When would I have time to read her words amid my preparations for a new daughter, being in the middle of moving, and having so many parenting books needing to be read? I didn’t know but I had to have it.

It was my art and reading day. I endulged. A galery, a new canvas, a gallon of Gesso, the Hardware store for my next art project supplies, the library and a phone call to Goompa. We're going to lunch together on Saturday.

Gift of Charity

2009-05-29T15:21:00.000-06:00

I've been thinking about how I would like to make every room brighter when I enter. I would like to be uplifting to those with which I interact.

I have a great example of this here: Curtis' mom. She emanates love to all those with whom she interacts. She's always thinking of others and you can tell she loves them.

She and I are really different in so many ways but we communicate and interact so well around one another and I think it's because of her love. We flow. It's not because we click in passionate pursuits, understanding of the world or communication style. We actually differ quite a lot in these areas. But none of that seems to matter. I take the time to clean the kitchen well after our every use because I know that’s important to her and she takes the time to listen to me (even though she’d probably rather be going a mile a minute) because that’s important to me. She was even going to go to a concert with me the other day just for my sake (luckily I found someone who actually wanted to go).

A few days ago we went shopping together in Costco and she was teasing back and forth with some young father there with his 2 little boys, ending up giving him a sideways hug. I could tell his load of chasing his little ones was lightened by her assurances. When I asked if she already knew him, I was surprised to find out that she had never met him. Astounding.

Without taking much time at all on each person, she is so charitable that they are uplifted and feel cared about anyway. What a gift!

And I thought I could only deeply connect with others who loved to just spend time focused on conversing as I do. And I thought I needed to learn some communication formula, one focused on empathy, in order to create this feeling of love in others. But that sounds so manipulative now compared to the pure love of Christ that Shelly transfers to all she meets despite how she delivers it. What’s so interesting to me about that is that she uses sarcasm and teasing a lot: something I was brought up to consider as insulting. So it has to be that her heart is just so genuine, filled with love that it doesn’t matter the words or efforts she uses.

Worries Near Delivery

2009-05-27T17:15:00.000-06:00

I can’t seem to figure out how to organize my children’s clothes anymore. It was so easy when I only had boys. I simply had a big plastic bin for every size but how do I do it now with a girl on the way? Two bins for each size, one for each gender? But what about all the clothes that could be either? Plus, that’s a lot more bins to buy and use up space. I can’t figure out why I can’t wrap my mind around how to organize all of this. I need to get things ready for the baby but am not sure where or how to start. I can feel myself being pulled into perfectionist mode too. I want everything clean for the baby. Should I fight it?

I’m worrying about everything. Should I ask all my in-laws not to bring over their sick kids for the first couple of weeks after the baby is born? How can I do that when this isn’t even my house? But I’ve been stressing about it for awhile.

Curtis won’t be here for the baby’s birth if I have her before the evening of June 6th. I’ve been having some hard contractions. Some that take my breath away and a few I had to do some Lamaze breathing/relaxing through. I even had one in my back once which I’ve never experienced before.

Yesterday my back pinched a lot. I guess it’s the extra weight. I can’t even believe how out of shape I am. I haven’t gained much more than 30 pounds but I know all my muscle mass is gone. It’s a chore to climb stairs now since I’ve been so incredibly careful throughout this pregnancy. When I walk somewhere I walk real slow and have contractions anyway.

My mother-in-law will be gone Saturday until next Wednesday to help Curtis’ sister move into her new house in California. So I may have this baby all alone. {frowning face} I think I’ll call Ilesha (Curtis’ other sister) to be there. She’ll probably try to calm the baby the instant she’s born like she did when Myles was born. {smily face} She’s a fun person to be around so the birth will be fun. I kinda was hoping for a more mystical-type experience. Massages and sweet music with my best friends including my doula. But they’re all back in Oregon.

And here I have a midwife whose philosophy of the childbirth experience is that all that matters is that the baby is healthy. Oh great. Although that is most important, I didn’t have to choose her for just that. Of course any doctor or CNM should be able to deliver that. She’s not passionate about what she does either. But what can I do? I’m going to have a baby any day now so I probably shouldn’t change. And there aren’t many midwives in the area my insurance covers anyway. I was so in the dark when choosing her in the first place since the nurses in the hospital didn’t know who to recommend, no one around here that I know had any ideas and the receptionist at my midwife’s office didn’t even know if she were more people-oriented or task-oriented.

Why don’t doctors have a paragraph about their philosophies on medicine on their website? About what to expect from them. About what they try to provide. If they are into preventative medicine. If they try to get to know their patents individually. If they provide education to their patients in pertinent areas (ie: my Pediatrician in Oregon gave me parenting tips for the specific age of my children at every well-child visit like older children shouldn’t have more than 5 hrs per week of movies, TV and video games combined). We should have the right to know what we’re getting into before committing to a doctor without having to pay a co-pay and go all the way out for a visit.

Maybe some people don’t care much about who they see medically, but I care what parenting philosophy my pediatrician subscribes to. And I want a midwife who is committed to providing an incredible, loving experience when delivering my babies, not someone who describes her responsibility as “catching the baby” as my midwife did to me last week.

If I Died in Childbirth

2009-05-23T07:55:00.000-06:00

I keep holding this baby in—so it feels. I had so many contractions last night that I wasn’t sure she would wait until morning. So I laid on the couch and watched several episodes of my new favorite TV show: The Gilmore Girls. They are so witty and take things in stride. I also like how they aren’t greedy and put their relationships first. It’s about a mother-daughter relationship that beats all. Perhaps I’m pining after that with this baby that wants to arrive.

Curtis will be here 2 weeks from tonight. I hope she can wait that long. He’s busy working on the house, fixing the items the buyer wants done before he comes out here. He needs to hire out for much of it anyway, but I guess he needs to be there to make sure it’s done.

What if I die during childbirth? (what if the reason why God told us to move here was because I was going to die and my family would need the extended family). I know it’s not likely especially since I’m having her in a hospital, but it still happens. Am I ready to die? I can’t believe how many times I wish it would come but that was when I was depressed. Now…now I questioned whether I’ve learned enough.

I have so many weaknesses that I haven’t even begun to overthrow in combat though I’ve played tug-a-war with them my entire life. Of course I wouldn’t want to leave my children before they’ve grown but even if that weren’t a factor, I still have so much more to realize.

Openness and Boundaries

2009-05-18T14:30:00.000-06:00

In relationships with others, I’m trying to decide when to be open and when to set boundaries. I like to be open. I like being around others that are open. They cry when they are sad, laugh when they are happy, hug you freely, and tell you when they are mad. You don’t have to guess what they are thinking and you don’t have to worry about easily offending them.

I try to be open with others but perhaps it’s better to have boundaries with those that are emotionally unhealthy or that hurt me. Boundaries are a good thing too, right? You can’t let everyone walk all over you.

I’ve decided that I don’t have to be friends with those that bring me down. Be a friend to everyone except to individuals that have proven unhealthy to be around. I don’t need to ever be around those people again. Unless they’re family. Then I must continue to work at the relationship, but set up boundaries in heights and places in accordance to the unique problems with that individual or our relationship.

I don’t want to set up boundaries where/when I should be freely open. I don’t need to be scared of everyone I meet just because someone else hurt me before. I should give every new person a chance, excite in the amazing person they are until/if they prove me wrong.

I want to be completely open with my husband. I don’t want anything to stand between us. But he uses religion as a sword. I feel like he’s trying some head game to test me to see if I’ll still love him even if he slanders what I hold most dear. Perhaps he’s jealous that I take the first commandment literally and put God at the top of my list.

Why am I not taking his diversion from truth very well right now? I got to the point of not letting it bother me before I left Oregon. Is it because I haven’t had to be around it for the last month while we’ve been apart and so when he calls and brings it up it hurts more? Is it because I had this crazy notion that perhaps he would do some soul searching during our time away and find God there? Is it because Satan tempting me more to be frustrated with the situation in order to perpetuate it (give Curtis reason/fuel to act this way) on the eve of positive effects in Curtis’ life? Or simply, am I an emotional wreck: 8 months pregnant, hormonal, feeling all alone in this adventure that seems to strenuous to be called such?

So-Curtis and I were just talking on the phone. It was good conversation. A little forced (not especially flowing) but at least we were talking a lot. I was opening up and telling him that I didn’t like joking around with people who like to use sex as their subject of laughter. I said it was a sacred thing and I’m not comfortable with it. He didn’t seem to understand so I elaborated and in so doing said that it offends the spirit. Among other open comments he shared in return was one that especially stabbed me to the core. He said “Everything offends the spirit. So, you’re just in a loose-loose situation.”

I wanted to hang up so badly so I wouldn’t reliate but knew that was rude and childish so I said I had to go. He said “’cause you’re mad?” and I said I needed to hang the clothes on the line to dry and put a new load in the wash (which was true but I was putting it off so we could talk since I can’t do more than one thing at a time especially since I get a neck ache from putting my head to the side since I don’t have a hands free set for my cell). But he pressed more. And a flood of tears spilled forth as I tried to explain how hard it is for me to hear him say such extremes against God. So that was the end of the conversation.

Now I guess he feels more justified in turning away from God since he’ll surely blame him for this rift in our relationship. Or maybe since he since he seems to be holding minor offenses of others close at hand lately he’ll simply think as he’s told me many times before “well, if it weren’t religion that Heather is bugged by, she’d find something else to hold between us.” {Because when we were first married I found it difficult to relate to him on many levels that are seriously important to me. The many fine fields of art. But I have found resolution in the years since then but he won’t forgive and forget. I’m not trying to be angry at him. I don’t understand why he’s so angry at everyone lately and for simple offenses years ago that he won’t let go of.}

So now what? Boundary between open communication about religious feelings between my husband and I? Build a wall?

He was probably just trying to express his feelings openly to me. And I cut him off and ended the conversation! I want him to be open with me about how he feels and yet I can’t seem to handle it in that area right now. As he was saying that today, it didn’t seem possible that I could be empathetic to his feelings about that right now in my life. It hurts too bad. I keep wanting him to be there for me as I’m vulnerably pregnant and in a trying situation, but I need to be strong for him. I feel close to others when I can openly express my feelings and they listen and understand, so how can I do this if I am building walls/boundaries? I’m somebody that uncloaks elephants in the room, not cements them in place as a permanent fixture.

To love me

2009-05-18T12:57:00.000-06:00

Curtis’ family threw me a surprise baby shower yesterday. Many of Curtis’ Aunts, cousins, and their girls came. On my side, my 2 sisters came. I was so surprised and so excited that they cared so much about me that they would want to do that for me. I had no idea. I didn’t think anyone would consider the 4th baby in a Mormon society to be worthy of celebration.

I love the positive attention a party in my honor brings. That may seem self-absorbed but I’ve been analyzing different personalities lately and find it fascinating how some people love it and others loathe it. I think I’m healthy enough about it since I don’t try to seek after it but I enjoy it when it comes.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the different and sometimes opposite ways people feel loved since I went to a lecture last week at a Relief Society enrichment on 5 love languages. Even though the attention-starved lecturer said that we all like all 5, I seriously wonder if I don’t like “gifts” at all (that being one of the 5 languages). I love when people give of their time to be with me but that falls under the love language “quality time.” And I love it when other give of their efforts but that falls under “acts of service.” So what qualifies for “gifts” is probably just things ---which are actually usually annoying for me to get.

At the shower for me and my baby (due in 3 weeks), I loved being celebrated. I felt loved. Then I opened all these enormous amount of gifts! It must have cost everyone a ton which just makes me feel sad—totally guilty. And I absolutely hate waste and I don’t need it. Everyone gave me clothes and baby powder. {What in the world do people use baby powder for in the dessert? Everything is already dry.} I don’t need baby girl clothes because everyone has given me sacks and sacks of hand-me-downs. Since I didn’t get to pick out neither the new nor the used, they’re all just the same to me and hardly ever what I would choose. I don’t mean to be ungrateful because I do appreciate it a lot. I’m just trying to understand myself. There are things I do need for this baby like hair bows, headbands with large flowers, a double stroller, diapers, and wipes. But those aren’t the things people like to go shopping for.

In this consumer-minded culture we live in, full of waste and social propriety, people shop, they buy, they give needless gifts, they discard, they waste. I’m trying to be socially apt: trying to take the gift, be gracious for it knowing the intent was to be giving and loving. But now what do I do with the mound of clothes?

I really appreciated the party my friends threw me for my 3rd son: Sterling. There was a group gift so I got what I really needed. I also got about $100 since so many people gave to it and I didn’t need much. I also got so many diapers that the first diaper I bought him wasn’t until he was 6 months old!!! They gave me baby soap, lotion, wipes, thick onsies, etc. Useful gifts. I also received some baby outfits but not in too much excess and it was nice to have a few clothes without major use.

I cherished the shower yesterday. It showed me “see, someone cares” especially after no party for my 30th birthday, no celebration for my 10 year anniversary and little recognition for Mother’s Day—all within the last couple of weeks. Curtis didn’t even send me a gift for any of them. Why would I care since I don’t like gifts? It’s just an easy way to calculate/demonstrate how little he cares. Socially he’s expected to send a gift. Sure I’d prefer something better than that like a night out or a party, but to only get one late card is pretty sad.

Satan has been working hard to plant doubts in my head of our marriage. Not that it’s falling apart but that I’m becoming apathetic towards it. There are no problems but there isn’t much connection either. After the 5 languages lecture and finding out more about the “quality time” language (my primary one) and guessing that my dialect is something of one-on-one conversation and feeling understood, I realized that I need to open up to him more and tell him more about my life—especially my thoughts and feelings on subjects; things that matter to me. His love language is “physical touch” so there isn’t anything I can to about that right now.

I feel bla.

I know I must fight those intruding thoughts, but I don’t know with what to replace them.

cartwheels over barrels

2009-05-09T16:39:00.000-06:00

canyon winds blowing off crisp snow into valleys below,
carrying spring scents including the blossoms of the flowering plum
confetti of small pink flower petals cascading all around in a dance

pink is the color of perfection in pigtails
plump baby fat legs of a baby girl--
probably couldn't be more excited.

Fringing on Uninspired Works

2009-05-05T11:34:00.000-06:00

I'm feeling better today.

Today is my 10 year anniversary. Happy Cinqo De Mayo! Ron thinks it's wierd that I keep singing "Hoppy Anniversary" around the house. Ron helped Grandpa with all his chores this morning around the small farm. Sterling wanted to be involved too so I was out there as well. It was perfect t-shirt temperature for me and my hot belly.

I saw images that I knew I would normally love to capture. Sterling standing in the thick mud of the pasture leaning forward with his hands clutching the chicken wire as he watched, facinated as the chickens pecked at their food. Ron filling up the pigeon feed with pigeons fluttering all around.

But felt so uninspired. I didn't want to force creativity or capturing beauty. I was too tired anyway to go retrieve the camera. In fact, I've been too tired to use it at all lately. The only time I've taken it out is when I give into the self-derived guilt that the moment is too fleeting to let it pass unnoticed.

Later, Ron and Myles and I made monoprints by drawing with crayons on tinfoil placed on a flat skillet turned onto 200 degrees. Then we simply put the paper on the tin foil, pulled it off and voila: a great print. I began to be inspired, imagining myself building a huge hot surface for large prints and getting in the zone of total creation, pounds of discarded crayons at my ready, mixing colors as they melt. But alas I'm too tired. And my mother-in-law said my print was very conventional for me. Which it was. Reverting to convention to not risk failure? Perhaps just trying something more secure for the first one in order to determine what next to try.

When I didn't let the crayon pool too much, it left a lovely texture on the paper. It might be interesting to add a second layer of watercolor.

Or maybe I'm too tired. One day I'll be an artist but leave it for now? Let the roses grow wild, I've got children to attend to? Or is that time for self essential for recomposure and actually improves one's ability to parent? Will I forget how to access my creative zone after leaving it out of practice for so long? Talents and abilities decrease without use.

One Moment at a Time

2009-05-03T14:35:00.000-06:00

Last Tuesday was my 30th birthday. It was a nice day but I was without my husband. I've had a tenancy to feel sorry for myself lately which is uterly rediculas when you count my many blessings. But I can't do it all. I can't even contain my tears. I'm so tired. I don't know how to talk to Ron. I haven't the strength. He fights me on everything and is so vendictive if I make one tiny mistake.

I wasn't looking forward to celebrating my 10th wedding anniversary alone this Tuesday.

But what a surprize:!!!: My husband showed up at my bedroom door without anyone knowing he was coming yesterday morning at 8am. I was still in bed and invited him to lay by me. It was so great to have him here but the visit was too short. He flew back today.

I couldn't stop crying as I left the airport and ended up taking the wrong road. When I could finally flip around I ended up taking another wrong road and ended up on I-80West somewhere in the middle of nowhere.

So I just got home and my mind is so jumbled. I wish I could take a break and leave or sleep or something. But I have kids to care for and extended family to visit with (a birthday party is just commencing in the next room). So this is my momentary break. If I can type fast enough perhaps I can get all this mess inside out so I can be normal again.

The only solution I can see is to take one moment at a time trying to lean on the Lord's strength. I feel so empty it's hard to feel close to anyone including God. But I know what's real and I can go off of that knowledge I've gained at earlier times.

I'm fasting today for Curtis. I wish he would recognize God's love and helpful guidance in his life. I hope we can have that in common again sooner than later. Since I'm 8 months pregnant and have to eat something, I'm fasting from everything other than peanutbutter and jelly sandwhiches (which are totally grose to me) and milk to accompany them. Even more difficult since the birthday party today is a dinner party right now. So do I eat dinner right now? Or consider this still lunch time and just eat peanutbutter and jelly? Do I even think my fasting and prayers in this matter even make a difference? No. But that's not good to say so perhaps they do. I know I can't control my husband's decisions even through fasting and prayer so can you tell me what it is I'm really fasting and praying for?

How can I pray for him to change his mind and heart? How can I pray for him to accept God's love? Even if I have the right motives for such a prayer, could it make a difference?

Parenting Helps

2009-04-26T23:05:00.000-06:00

I can't believe how much my parents-in-law have helped me with my parenting these past 2.5 weeks. Tonight Ron was giving major huge attitude (fit) at dinner and I wanted to send him away from the table so we could all eat in peace but wasn't sure if that was the best move. I thought if I just sent him to his room it would actually be a reward to him because he likes to play there.

He kept going on and on about how much he couldn’t stand dinner and he would kill himself and jerked his body around some to add effect making terrible noises. I tried to calm him even sternly to no avail. After a few minutes more my mother-in-law suggested quietly that perhaps he could use an early bedtime tonight. I was so relieved for another's opinion at such a rough time especially one from someone I respect and think has great parenting ideas.

I love how she helps but also supports me whether I use her ideas or not (recognizing my authority as the mom).

So I walked Ron down to bed without any supper and felt justified in doing so. It was nice.

I ended up letting him read after awhile since he was so bored. And then just before actual bedtime I sat on his bed and talked to him about how his behavior at the dinner table needs to change (since we have had this behavior repeated almost every night since we moved here).

Since I have no husband here to spend time with after the kids are in bed, I've been reading to Ron every night from 8-9pm after his brothers go to sleep. He loves it. We've been reading FableHaven.

But tonight I told him that that will now only happen on nights that he has a good attitude at the dinner table. And then I asked him for suggestions on what that would look like and what he might say to show me he's having a good attitude.

It was a nice discussion and I’m hopeful for positive change. It’s amazing how well Ron can be reasoned with when I don’t loose my cool or get anxious. Even when I’m doing the right thing and saying the right words but am holding back my anxiety, he seems to pick up on that and freak out. He needs to feel my absolute love for him emanating from me as I discipline in order for him to regard it as anything but meanness and hate. It is a practice of total self-control that once mastered nothing will seem too hard to conquer again. ;)

Down But Moving Forward

2009-04-18T14:31:00.000-06:00

I had a very low day yesterday. I fear I was letting my relationship with the Lord drift and instead putting all my trust in the arm of flesh: my mother-in-law to be precise. I was using her to try to give me strength instead of the Lord. And when I wasn't especially being filled with her usual love on Thursday night (just after her 3 day trip to Washington to see her dad), I analyzed what I was doing wrong to not win her over. Silliness I know. But I had noticed that I had been negative lately. When she asked me how something went, I told her the worst parts.

So I had decided that I was being a negative person and I ought to quit it. That night I dreamed anxious dreams and awoke with depression--something I haven’t had to fight since before the pregnancy started. I fought it all day and cried out to the Lord who was slow to hear me.

But I'm doing better today. I need to keep my focus in check. I can't lean on others to lift me up. Only the Lord has that strength.

I don't know how I let myself slide into such an unhealthy behavior. I guess I was so excited to be at their home where there would be less worries that I let myself think they'd just take care of me. I need to be in the Lord's care and then I can have healthy relationships with others and not be at their mercy for acceptance and love.

I know there are other reasons contributing to my depression like my inability to do all I wish to accomplish in actively selling my house. In fact, I’ve done barely the minimum the past week and a half since I’ve been here. I’ve listed the house 3 times on Craig’s List and called one potential buyer. I need to do more. I'm in charge of selling the house while Curtis is in charge of beautifying it.

Here’s a list of brainstorm ideas I have to actively move forward to sell the house this week:

Open House every Sat 10am-1pm
Put out signs for the Open House
Get on the MLS listing
Advertise with The Times
Advertise with The Democrat Herald
Advertise with The Registered Guard
Call Becky
A larger sign in front lawn
Fill out a Seller’s Disclosure
Call Title Companies

Road Trip with No Return

2009-04-18T14:30:00.000-06:00

Curtis’ dad flew to Oregon the night before my move (on April 7th) so I wouldn’t have to drive the trailer to UT alone with the boys. And he drove the whole way! He actually prefers driving and I like not driving so it worked out well. It was a great time.

We made several stops including one to Eden, ID where the truck stop has a Garden of Eden within. The boys loved eating by the waterfall under a canopy of fake trees complete with a huge serpent. I’m so grateful for my father-in-law’s help along the way especially at stops when I could use the restroom in peace. It would have been quite the juggle with a one-year-old trying to escape the stall and the other two boys in there as well. My father-in-law unselfishly took a good share of parenting responsibilities making my tasks light.

It was a 15 hour trip, leaving at 6am Oregon time and arriving in UT at 10pm. It was a good time. Sterling didn't even cry very much because we discovered the roll-down-the-window-for-distraction trick. At first we were pacifying him with one hard granola bar after another but his stomach must have gotten full. So as he fussed in a tired state, we opened the window and the cold air shocked him into cozying up to his blanket and falling asleep. It's a trick I still use in the car now. :)

My reception was sweet in the loving arms of my mother-in-law. She had made up a nice living area in her basement complete with clean boys’ room, family room, bathroom and my bedroom. Everything was set up functionally and fashionably done. In my room on the dresser she left a lovely letter and bought me a package of Oreos (my favorite) and an Easter Lilly. She is so thoughtful of others. I felt very comfortable.

Last 2 Days in Oregon

2009-04-08T12:53:00.000-06:00

It turns out that a lot of people are willing to help if you ask. Plus, many friends started offering without me initiating anything probably since it was the last few days before I was to leave.

On Monday morning, after dropping Ron and Myles off at Sarah’s, Nia came over from 10am-1pm and helped me clean my house (while Sterling slept). We got a lot done then spent the last half of the time talking about the Plan of Salvation. She had some pretty weird ideas about our beliefs. I cleared them up and drew her a picture of the Plan of Salvation. She and I are both artists and I thought it would be easier to understand with the visual circles representing the different stages of progress and different kingdoms, etc. At the end she snatched up the tiny paper and took it with her.

I had completed a large mixed media painting of her and I the day before during afternoon session of conference and gave it to her then. She loved it. I gave her a book about friendship as a card. It said more about how I felt about her than anything. She actually cried tears down her cheeks. I am going to miss her so much. I wish I could have shared the gospel with her more however I think I shared as much as she was willing to hear so it was enough. I just know that she would be so much more happy and fulfilled as a person to have that knowledge and have that strength. She is someone who searches for that in her life already but has no interest in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

At 1:30pm the first of three families that day toured our house. They had all traveled up from California (one of which came specifically to see ours). I also had two friends pop in. At 4:30pm the 3rd family was just leaving as Helen Robinson came over to make sure I ate lunch. Of course I hadn’t. So she sat by me until I did.

Just as she was leaving, a salesman for TV came by. I told him we didn’t watch TV but as we chatted I told him that although there wasn’t anything he could do for me, I did have something I could give to him. I came back with a Book of Mormon and a pass along card. He said he already had a Book of Mormon and even had one in Hungarian. You see, he was a return missionary. We talked some more and he told me his desire to marry so I set him up to meet an LDS female friend of mine that night who has a desire to marry as well. I guess you need more that just that one desire, though, because my friend didn’t stick around long. Something whispered to me about not wanting to date someone 10 years her junior. The salesman had said that age didn’t matter to him since it was all the same in the Lord’s eyes.

Tuesday morning: day before I leave and I have hardly packed due to trying to keep the house immaculate for potential buyers. I dropped off my oldest two again at Sarah Glenn’s and Helen and her friend came over. I was to pack everything me and the 4 kids would need in the next 6 mo- year. The new baby items took half of the room.

I piled the things I needed to take onto my bed and those dear women quickly packed them into boxes there. By lunchtime (when Sterling woke up and I took him also to Sarah’s) all my clothes, shoes and hangers were packed. By 1:30, when they had to leave, we had all toiletries and all of Ron and Myles’ clothes packed. I already had Sterling packed up from when my dear friend and Relief Society President, Judy Ayoette helped me the week before.

Then my Jehovah Witness friend, Vanessa, came over to help. We had met just a few months before when she started coming weekly to share the word. We hit it off fast and had lots in common. She and I both love the arts and both paint plus we both lived in nearly the same floor plan of a historic Craftsman-style house.

Vanessa and I organized and packed all of upcoming baby’s clothes and gear. It was a big task but we finished just before 5:30pm. I quickly rushed out the door to pick up my boys since Nia was bringing over her boys at that time and she’s never late. But just as I was leaving, Judy and her hubby showed up. I told them I would be just a moment.

So I visited with Judy and Nia and her boys. Everyone wanted to say goodbye. Nia cried again which was so touching and revealing since I had always supposed I didn’t mean terribly much to her. I thought I was just someone to do art with and just a crazy religious person to her. Hard to say goodbye. Judy cried too and reminded me that I was like a daughter to her.

My father-in-law had flown out that day so I wouldn’t have to drive the trailer back alone (being 7.5 months pregnant and having 3 boys and 3 rats in the back seats). He and Curtis arrived at that time and so did Kim Hoyer. Then Helen brought our dinner. I was dying to rest and eat but another dear friend came by to say goodbye: Darlene. The day’s hectic day continued.

Since I missed eating with the family due to the uninterrupted parade of friends stopping by, I ate while I saved pictures onto CD-ROMs for Lacey. It took 6 CDs to get all the Ladies Night Out and pictures I took of her family saved.

Then I showed the piles of boxes I needed loaded to Curtis and his dad. I took Ron and Myles aside and asked them which of their toys they didn’t want to do without and we finished the packing with those.

I swooped the house looking for anything else I may have missed and then took my last shower in the lovely claw-foot tub. It was strange to have sadness about saying goodbye to my house. I hadn’t thought I set my heart on material items but this was more than that. This grand historic home had an identity of its own. And it represented comfort, ease, surrounding myself with beauty and light. It was where I had supposed I would spend the rest of my days. I had learned how to function well in it. And now I was choosing to leave it all and then have to be a recipient of charity in my in-law’s home.

I was leaving somewhere predictable and where I was quite settled so I could have my life up in the air, leaning on the decisions of prospective buyers. I would now not be able to count on where I would be living, where Curtis would be working and what we would be doing during the next year! All just 2 months before our baby girl is born!

The next year could be incredibly hard! Even after we sell our house (which is hard since it’s like the worst time in decades to be selling), we may want to cram our family into one of the apartments of a multi-plex in order to take advantage of the buyer’s market and finally begin fulfilling our dream of owning real-estate.

But it’s an adventure, right!?! And now at least I’ll have the incredibly supportive help of my in-laws as I succumb to personal physical and emotional weakness inevitable around the time period of delivering a baby. Good thing for family or this adventure would be a nightmare.

Let me end by expressing my gratitude for the Savior and His atonement. Without which I could not move forward and receive the necessary strength I need to accomplish the good I desire. I am so grateful for the Holy Ghost which directs my in paths to better align my life with Heavenly Father’s and therefore be able to not waste this probationary time allotted me. Without the Holy Ghost prompting us to uproot our family and move to UT, we would have never made the move and therefore not been able to receive the potential blessings or accomplish the tasks God has in store for us in UT (I’m unsure of the reasons why we are supposed to move but I think it’s about extended family, the support my boys can receive and perhaps Curtis). Without the Holy Ghost directing us, we wouldn’t be sure of our decisions. I’m grateful for its influence in our lives as it directs us, teaches us, and comforts us.

Overwhelmed

2009-03-27T12:27:00.000-06:00

No Energy for Friends
But in Need of One

I’m too tired to pack and clean anymore. I’m so tired, so very tired this pregnancy. I feel like all I do is put out fires (the big messes or problems I need to address) and can never get to the details necessary for showing a house to a potential buyer. And we’re having a big dinner party here tonight. I love dinner parties and really they don’t stress me out. My house is certainly clean enough to entertain. But we have someone coming to see the house tomorrow afternoon. It’s not clean enough to show. And no doubt I’ll insist on using my best china for the party tonight which I’ll spend all morning tomorrow hand washing due to the decorative silver trim (too delicate for a dishwasher).

When my friend Kerri moved, I was there every few days helping her pack and I arranged for the elder’s quarm to load the stuff into the moving van. I watched kids for those men who needed a sitter during that loading time which happened to be during dinner time (right after work) so I made homemade pizza for the kids and the elder’s quarm.

All that work didn’t seem out of the ordinary to me for a good friend. But now I’m in need and I am realizing that I don’t have a friend like that. Granted I say I’m okay to all those at church that casually offer help, but that’s what’s expected right? One lady filled me with so much hope by saying she would come over for 1.5 hours twice per week and help me with whatever I needed. We talked about the boxes I needed and discussed the best way to pack my framed art. She even said her husband could help hook up the lights on the trailer. This was finally what I needed but it deflated my hope of getting what I need to get done the worst when she didn’t follow through.

Isn’t it obvious when they ask me how I’m doing and I say that I’m almost shaky with all the things my body is too tired to do that need to be done, that that’s an admission that I need some help? I’m just too tired. Too overwhelmed. I don’t know how to take on this task. I’m leaving in less than 2 weeks. Too much.

But I haven’t been a very good friend lately. Too consumed by my own deadlines and tasks. Wish I could go out with a bang but I’m probably leaving with good riddens. I was impatient with a friend yesterday who thinks others are judging her. They aren’t but I should have been more empathetic to her feelings instead of trying to convince her that she is wrong. I’m just too impatient because I’m too needy. What am I doing getting in over my head? We felt inspired to move now but I can’t do it all. Am I really supposed to just ask for help? Ahhhh.

We’re Moving

2009-03-24T16:48:00.000-06:00

I’ve been busy trying to sell our house FSBO for the past month. It is stressful to keep the house clean all the time. We’ve been blessed with being able to show it many times. But I’m exhausted and Ron (age 7) is totally upset about the change even though he’s so excited to move in with Grandma and Papa and live by all his cousins and aunts and uncles (actually he may be so angry because I’m quite anxious too and he’s very sensitive to that). So I’m moving out there with the boys on April 8th. I’ll be 7 months pregnant with our first girl.

Curtis has to stay and work until the baby is born due to insurance coverage. This will also give him time to fix up the house nicely (pack away all the clutter) and show it to potential buyers. I’ll still take care of all the leg work I can from UT. I’ll have people contact me and I’ll set up appointments for him to show it. Plus I’ll manage the advertising and emails that come in.

It’ll be hard and weird to have the baby without him. Hopefully he can get a few days off in time to see the birth. He will then have 2 weeks off Maternity Leave during which time he’ll reassure me that the world is not closing in all around me, people love me and he will have interviews in the area for a new job. He then will go back out to OR for a couple more weeks of work. During which time he’ll pack up another trailer load of stuff, and put the house on the market with a realtor if it’s not sold by then.

Crazy times. I need to find a midwife I feel comfortable with for the delivery. I debating whether to use the hospital close-by my in-laws or to fight Salt Lake traffic 20 minutes to go where the nice midwife that delivered Myles works. She was great except she took him out early. I know that is a usual practice in UT but I think it’s silly. Might as well let the baby develop all the way and let your body tell you when it’s ready to have the baby come out (unless of course there are complications like its way overdue). There are so many less problems with delivery that way and it’s a much more fun and exciting way to deliver.

I feel watched over and directed by the Lord in our efforts to move. I’m excited about this adventure to such a far off land. ;) I can’t wait to be in the supporting comfort of Curtis’ family. They are so encouraging of one another; it’s great.

Article on Curtis

2009-03-24T16:43:00.000-06:00

This is an article that is currently being written about Curtis. What an incredible guy! The author of the article just sent this to him for him to look over his quotes. I'll edit this post when the actual article is published along with the picture they use.

WITH YOU ALL THE WAY
A Day in the Life of a Hospice Nurse

Curtis Snow, a BHS nurse, has a kind face, laughing eyes and radiates the kind of warmth that lets you know hugs are welcome. He looks far too young to be a devoted husband and father of three boys (with a baby girl on the way) on top of his roles as pain reliever, stress reducer, friend and counselor. And that is not what he does over a lifetime but every single working day.

Curtis was drawn to hospice work from the beginning of his career five years ago. He recalls, “When I was working on my RN in the hospital, I had no time with anyone. There, you hurry to address the most critical needs from getting pain meds to getting chemo meds. But in hospice, you get to know people. Because you are in their environment, you get to see who they really are. I am not just treating the patient but the family and that’s what I love.”

A typical day for Curtis always starts by sharing breakfast with his wife, Asia, and three young sons. The affection that he brings to all his patients begins in these early morning hours with his family.

Once Curtis arrives at the hospice office, he checks his messages for any situations requiring his immediate response. If nothing is urgent, he begins to make patient calls. A hospice nurse is generally the case manager for about a dozen patients, seeing three to four a day. Each patient has a schedule that fits their needs at the moment so he sees some of them three times a week and others only once or twice. “As a patient approaches death, I prefer to see them every day,” he remarks, “but not everyone wants that and it’s not about me, it’s about them.”

Being able to adapt to each patient’s individual needs is part of his job. “I usually try to talk to the patient,” he says, “but what I’ve learned is that sometimes they just want conversation going on around them. So then I might talk to the caregiver about her family, my family, or daily events and the patient is happy just listening and having people there.”

A new patient’s first visit might take longer than the ones that follow. “You’ve heard the saying that nobody cares how much you know until they know how much you care?” Curtis explains. “Unless there is an immediate medical problem to which I need to respond, I spend time with patients and their family members. By getting to know them and allowing them to know me, trust is built. Then, when they have changes that need to be addressed, they know they can relax and I will do whatever is needed.”

Today, Curtis begins with a visit to a patient he has seen many times. From her delighted smile when he enters the room, it is easy to see that he dispenses more than pain medication. Instead of getting out a blood pressure cuff, he pulls out a hug and several minutes of easy conversation before beginning his evaluations. As in all his visits, Curtis will be assessing pain levels, bowel problems, and heart and lung function. Curtis notes that the patient is somewhat sleepy this morning and not communicating well. After checking her vital signs, he visits with residence staff to get their input. In all situations, whether a patient is in a facility or at home, he listens carefully for family or staff concerns that might need to be referred to other hospice professionals.

In general, Curtis feels that an informed patient is a happier patient. “What I like to do is to talk to them about what the disease process is. I don’t try to tell them what’s going to happen three months down the road – that’s too much information. But I like to say something like, ‘Oh, your appetite is down. You can expect your appetite to change as the disease progresses.’ And I also say what they might see next.”

Curtis is male in a world where a majority of nurses are often female but Curtis has not had much problem with this issue. As one of his patient’s families commented: “We were skeptical about my mother’s acceptance of a male nurse but my mother enjoyed his visits. We all loved his demeanor and how he treated her. He made her feel good, even on the very bad days.”
One of the big issues hospice nurses confront is a patient’s fear of dying. Curtis tells about one man who initially felt secure about heaven and his own spiritual well being. As death drew nearer, however, he confessed feeling fear about the actual moment of death. “Imagine being blindfolded,” the patient had said, “and told to walk to some staircase. You believe the stairs are there but that three seconds of freefall is still scary until you touch that first step. I’m at the staircase and I’m blindfolded.”

“I don’t think we can escape fear all the time,” Curtis remarks. “I don’t even know if that would be healthy. But in these situations, I tell my patients that they don’t have to do this alone. A hospice nurse will be there any day or time they need someone.”

Most visits take an hour and some take longer. By the time Curtis heads back to the hospice office, it is already getting late. Once there, if he has seen a family that could use spiritual counseling, the help of a social worker or any other service that hospice provides, he checks in with those staff members. He calls or faxes doctors with updates on the patient’s condition or any changes in medications that are needed. Charting is very important so he makes careful and detailed notes about each patient.

Curtis also knows how important it is to take care of his own health. “I usually work an eight hour day,” he says. “If I were on call twenty-four hours a day, I’d be worn out so I rely on the other nurses I work with. As a general rule, I don’t go to funerals. I love my patients but if I had to grieve with all of them and their families, I’d probably be doing something else right now.”

At the end of the day, he looks forward to driving home to Brownsville. If it’s a Thursday, there will be pizza and a movie with his family. “My philosophy is to live life, pursue the things you want to do, and keep family close,” he says. “Because, in the end, it’s family and friends who matter.” And, his patients would quickly add, “Nurses like Curtis Snow.”

Sister's Higher Law

2009-03-06T13:13:00.000-07:00

My sister is falling away from the church; seemingly unbeknownst to her. She’s defensive when I try to bring it up. She doesn’t think it’s important to go to church or read scriptures. She says that General Conference (every six months leaders of the church including the prophet speak to the world) is just that: "general." She says she is “living a higher law.” And she’s trying to get everyone else to as well.

She says God told her to testify to everyone that they are supposed to be a vegan and home school. It’s pretty scary stuff. Not that those lifestyles are scary but the way she’s testifying of them. I guess that’s how those weird sects get going like those communities of polygamists or those people who took their life in the name of religion. They set themselves apart, following Satan’s leadership, and think they are living a “higher law” than others.

How can she possibly think that she knows more than the prophets? How did she get so far gone? I guess by not clinging to the basic principles of the gospel. By daily scripture study, personal and family prayer, and regular attendance to our church meetings, etc we are not lead astray. It may be basic but it’s essential.