Movies & Electronic Devices

I think a main reason why the movie “Stranger Than Fiction” continues to be a source of great entertainment for me is because I, too, often have a narrator describing the mundane routines of my life. My narrator, though, being myself. Not as talented or future-telling as Emma Thompson’s character.

Sometimes I do delight in the use of words, observation or connection I have made. Sadly, I have no secretary to which to dictate them and my mind is blank when I get the children situated enough for ‘me time.’

Here I am… “a bit blank” as Rachel Weisz’s character put it in “About a Boy.” Another favorite movie of mine.

Curtis just signed up for Netflick’s online streaming videos. And our monitor is actually a flat screen TV. It’s too easy. I could end up watching movies all day. Basking in the creative genius’ of others while turning off any brain activity of my own. All books would be set aside. I would be as blank as those video gamers, gaming, gaming all day with no social interaction or personal creative thoughts of their own. But hey!-their hand eye coordination is remarkable, not to mention their precision skills with electronic devices.

I viewed an advertisement commercial for some Blackberry-like device on the theater’s big screen prior to Avatar starting (double-date with Kara last Saturday). It showed a bunch of friends on the ski lift together, each lost—focusing on their pocket electronic devices. With a touch of a screen each of them were in a virtual reality in far off places doing entirely different activities. Although producers tried to really glamorize such ability, I saw it for a sad scenario. Here some friends are out in the mountains and yet are unable to enjoy the moment together.

I think these devices, along with the internet, computers, movies and other means of communication and expression can bless the world with their abilities. Yet we need to be careful to limit ourselves to use these means moderately, to save time instead of taking you away from the potentially glorious moment at hand.

To draw an analogy much more extreme: drugs. They can take you away from experiencing life if used inappropriately; yet can facilitate quicker and easier means of living when used correctly. Our country has outlawed some useful drugs because of the harms they have caused to those abusing them. Now laws have to be in place for those foolish enough to go into the virtual word while driving (instant messages, twittering “hey I’m driving right now” he he, etc).

I want to feel it. Spend some time each day with things/people that are tangible. Living life fully, here and now. Using the devices to facilitate living rather than to take me away. I’m here to get dirty, ask questions, “take chances, make mistakes and get messy!” (Magic School Bus)

Optimism and Energy Rising

I had felt like just a pessimist after pondering what I wrote in my last post. I’m glad I’m doing more important things than decorating or making sculptures. Although I long to get everything my mind can conceive accomplished, I recognize my limitations.

As I learned in my photography class last week, it’s not the camera that makes the picture, it’s the photographer. It doesn’t matter what camera they use as long as they know the camera’s limitations. Great photos can come from limited cameras.

And so I hope that if I put the control of my life into the Lord’s hands, the fruits of my labors may be sweet and good. Great things may be produced from such a limited body if I recognize my limitations/weaknesses and work around them. I may not be able to commit to as much responsibilities as another lovely sister at church, but my contributions are right on and done well.

I fell so much more happy and energetic since I started going to the gym yesterday. I meet a couple of ladies at 5:30am and we’re back by 7. Curtis has the older 2 boys up, dressed and eating. I quickly wake Z up and nurse her while we read scriptures and pray. Ron goes to the bus at 7:25am and Myles leaves at 8:05am.

I'm so excited to be out of the rut and actually feel normal and in control of my actions, thoughts and feelings again that I'm kinda a spaz. I hope I'm not crazy wierd the other way now--like manic. No, I don't have enough sleep to be that energized. :)

Today is scouts and I know I can do this. I’m keeping it more simple and not expecting perfection in the grandiose terms I generally think up. I’ll instead focus on making scouts fun for the boys and as I get in the swing of things I hope to help them accomplish more requirements. But for now, I hope they learn some as we have a good time.

Today we have a guest coming for a presentation and questions. He works at the power company and he will teach the boys about conservation and safety. So it should be an easier den meeting than the last two. I have had to change activities every 5 minutes or so in the past to keep them interested. It’s exhausting and takes a lot of time to prepare. At first I was worried I wasn’t accomplishing anything with them but now I see that I’m introducing them to many subjects, helping them set goals, and getting them excited about years of scouts to come (later years are more rigorous about accomplishing more). So…as I keep telling myself: “I Can Do This!”

Having Dreams

Today the children have off of school for Martin Luther King day. During family prayer just before their bedtime, the other night, I explained that he wasn’t actually a king but that it was his last name like “snow”. Ron, now 8 said, “like we aren’t actually snow.” I then taught them about why his actions were important and how the actions of many other brave civil rights leaders are celebrated this day as well. I recited all I could of the “I have a dream” speech. Equality, fairness, brotherly love for all the human race, peaceful movements, small actions accumulating into large change, etc.

I’m looking at a clock right now. One that I agreed to let Curtis give to the thrift store. But its wind up ornate face beckons me to keep it. I have so many ideas. I could paint its wood frame white and it’d look great on our mantle. But what I really want to do with it is take it apart and use its face in a found object sculpture. I could leave the mechanisms in place and it could remain a working clock on the piece.

Fun dream but I alas know that in reality, if I keep it it will remain unpainted and certainly not ever reach its potential as a focal piece on a sculpture. I can barely keep up with the laundry lately, there’s no room for dreaming.

I’m Out

I’m out of the rut. I feel fine today. I hadn’t been that low in years. It doesn’t feel like it had been a big deal now and it only lasted a week or so, but at the time it felt never-ending and larger/more horrible than anything.

The aggravation of not feeling in control of myself. I had felt so insecure and crazy. I had felt so worthless and unlovable! I had so much to do yet moved as if in goo: so slowly. Like those dreams where you wake up so frustrated because although you were running as hard as you could from the danger that perused you, you couldn’t move but a fraction of the speed you were accustomed to being able to. Slow motion.

Strangely enough, something that helped me climb out of the hole of depression was to avoid any thought of last Saturday. Last Saturday I had a birthday party for Myles. Curtis has told me that he would not help me prepare or conduct it but I had decided to proceed regardless since I felt it was important to our son. But I just couldn’t get it all done. And the house was a terrible wreck when the party started and I was so embarrassed. That experience and the time I had stage fright when singing in a band when I was in high school will be embarrassing moments I’ll try to never bring up again.

But it wasn’t just the party, I had had such heightened anxiety prior to that too. I couldn’t calm down after scouts and the frustration I had felt with my first day as den leader. I couldn’t figure out exactly what I was supposed to be doing with the boys. I couldn’t catch the vision exactly and my son’s unwillingness to participate was very discouraging. However, the next week (this last Wednesday) worked out a bit better although it was extremely hard too. And I think I’m getting in the swing of it now. I’ve got a basic outline for the meetings now and I better understand my role and what my motive is to be with them.

I’ve been trying to feed my emotions with all the healthy things: positive thoughts, simpler tasks, prayer, scripture study, repentance, time just reading with the kids (I read to them 4 seperate times today for long chuncks of time). Actually, I’m not sure what helped. I guess I should credit the Lord. I have been feeling His peace surround me at times even through all of it.

Although I want to analyze how I had got that way, this process isn’t helping my fragile state. You know what? This house being cleaner is really helping me. The mess we had had was so overwhelming but it’s getting better now. Curtis is helping out some now. He had been so busy before with all the other worthy uses of his time (like building shelves in the garage and researching real estate investments) that he didn’t help out at all. It was getting so overwhelming.

All I do all day long besides helping the kids is move objects from one place in the house to another. Dirty laundry baskets to the basement. Clean laundry to the bedrooms into drawers. Toys back downstairs. Papers into the kitchen into the recycle bin. Bobby pins into the bathroom. Coats and backpacks into the hall onto their hooks. Kids shoes into their cubbies. Pencils into the drawer. Dishes from the table into the dishwasher. From the dishwasher into the cupboard! From the cupboard onto the table!!! How is this helping me progress?

So I signed up for a photography class. And Ron for a theater class. He really likes it. His dramatic gestures are appreciated there. Here they just seem obnoxious. He also wants to take an art class, drum lessons, and karate, but I said just one at a time. I also want to take a guitar class and art lessons. Myles is interested in sports but I think I’ll wait until he’s a bit older and I feel more settled.

I think setting goals helped to. A bit of daily progress to focus on.

I can keep on.

Ann's mother did it. She had depression (that her kids weren't aware of until adulthood) and had a loving relationship with them. They still had fun family traditions and close family ties. Everyone has their weaknesses, their trials in life but we go on living, learning and growing.

Cutis is a good man. He loves his family. It's okay that we're not always on the same page religiously. It's okay that I have to stand up for my beliefs and watch my standards around him. I don't have to watch these movies he brings home. I can be strong on my own and just say "not for me; i've got a book i've been dying to finish."

New Year’s Resolutions

I did pretty good this last year with my goal of being on time. I’ve learned a lot about that idea and have seen fruits from that painful change in thinking.

I’m not sure what to resolve to work on this year. I don’t feel up to any challenges right now but I know that through goal-setting and hope, progression occurs so here I go, trying to move forward by exploring ideas for betterment.

I think I will make this year’s goals spiritually related. Actions that will increase my relationship with Christ and my ability to learn spiritual truths.

--monthly temple attendance.
--15 minutes early to church each week.
--daily personal scripture study.
--work on callings one hour every Sunday afternoon.

The first and last ones are minimums. But with these realistic goals in mind, I can at least progress this much. I’ve been excellent at having daily family scripture study and prayer and weekly FHE but I only have been getting my personal scripture reading in about half the days.

I should probably add something about papers lying about in the home since I seem to have a problem with that.

--15 minutes everyday to sort and file papers.

And if I could accomplish this during 2010, it would help out a TON too:

--find a place for everything.

And so, even though in the past few years I’ve been working on one concept per year to improve upon for my formal resolution, this year I have 6 quite specific goals.

Depression? Again!?!!

I had thought I had the tools to avoid this now. I thought I understood how to direct my thoughts positively. But this gripping anxiety inside has overcome me. This fatigue has dominated my life. This inability to keep up with even the most pressing matters in my life is making me feel insane. My house is a mess, scouts looms over me, visiting teaching not getting done, thank you notes not delivered… I had a birthday party for Myles without cleaning the house first. I can’t keep up. I can’t deliver. I must be ruining my friendships I’ve established here by being so insane now. Who would want to be close to such a selfish weird person that emanates anxiety and depression? What would I have to contribute to a relationship when I can’t even care for myself properly?

My thoughts are all over the place and not very rational. I hurt a lot inside and my stomach is in a knot. My usual wakeless nights are interrupted continuously, perpetuating the problem severely. I’m so tired everyday. I don’t get enough accomplished. All I do is move objects around the house toward their proper destinations. One good thing is that I haven’t failed as a parent. I seem to have it together enough to foster those relationships and patiently take the time for them. But that’s about all I do everyday. Do some dishes, take a shower, nurse the baby, help the kids with their homework and then do it all again. Meanwhile everything else is stacking up: papers, toys, church responsibilities, friendships, dirty laundry.

Spiraling Again

Minor physical pains have frequented me the past several months. This week the outside of my left foot has had pain, not enough to cause limping, but irritating all the same. But on Sunday, as I ran barefoot in my church clothes down the side of the highway, the pain inside overrided even the cold outside and the small rocks imbedding underfoot.

I've been spiraling downward lately. The hard days of depression are not the usual sporadically spaced. They are everyday. I can’t seem to pull myself/my thinking out of the quicksand’s edge well enough to prevent my immediate reoccurring fall. It's too hard to properly converse socially so I try to avoid such situations. It's too hard to sing so I might drop out of the ward choir (that I usually love).

That’s where I had been on Sunday after church. I knew I should be pleasant so I tried to fake it ‘til I made it. I tried to focus on Christ’s love for those I met in the halls and His love expressed in the music we sang. It did often help. Even though it was such effort to sing, the music did touch me positively, the lyric’s message profound.

When choir was over I was the first one out the door. I hadn’t brought a coat which is crazy in this Utah winter air but we had been running late when we went to church. Plus, it was a warmer day. And so I ran as fast as I could down the hill, my Payless cheep shoes quickly proving difficult. So they came off along with my large medallion necklace flopping against my chest. A block or so later my hairpins came out too.

There I was, a sight I’m sure for other choir members venturing home, running as hard as I could over the gravely side of the road, fists clutching all my accessories, my long skirt’s slit used to capacity with each stride.

About a block from my turnoff to home I lost all energy and began walking. My icy road up the hill proving hard to manage, my lungs burned so! Myles was out sledding, I quickly excused myself from conversing with him so I could get inside and lay down. I grabbed a blanket and laid on the couch, bundled in a cocoon trying to warm the intake of my air. Luckily Curtis was in a generous, good mood and let me be.

But my lungs still hurt so badly. They felt as if they were filled with blood or metallic discharge. I began coughing a lot, then nausea set in and I ran to the bathroom—dry heaving into the toilet.

Curtis said I must have pushed myself too hard when running home –that I wasn’t actually sick. I must be out of shape, or I must be actually sick, just not physically.

There should be support systems for someone like me. Just like AA meetings, I should go to recovering depressed people meetings and have a sponsor and everything. If I could just talk to someone who understood what I’m going through and remind me of what I need to be doing, that would make such a difference. I need a recovering anxious person sponsor! I need to be taken through the steps to not fall into that horrible cycle again. Just like alcoholism, it impedes my ability, I hurt people, and I’m just not myself.

Scouter, Doer, Preparer

Making do. Trying to keep up. Inching my way forward. Does it get any colder than this? The dog tested to see if I would put her back on the chain by eating off of the table just as I let her in from the fulfillment of her chained punishment. She’s out there again. She looks cold. I wish I could bring her in. Does she even understand why she’s out there? She must or why else would she test the boundary. Perhaps her way of trying to determine why she was out there. Now my fingers are too cold to type fast. But I must hurry fast. Hurry up. Be a cub den leader. First meeting is today. I must establish boundaries, rules, routines, expectations with the little farts. That’s what I thought of them when I first got asked to do this position. I really had wanted to say no. But I love to serve wherever needed. Kara said sorry she suggested me. But now after a very productive meeting with other local leaders and a Round Table training, I feel prepared. I am empowered with the tools to lead out! Somewhat. Okay, I’m trying to talk myself up to the task. But I really am excited about it now. I feel the Lord’s help in the love I feel for them. I think He’s telling me that I can help these boys. That I can be an influence for good. That this is an important work, the Lord’s work. It’s not about the seemingly pointless crafts, it’s about giving boys direction, mentoring, friendship, goals. It helps tremendously!

I feel so much responsibility to make it fun, for this is the first year the boys are in scouts. I want them to be way excited. And so my attitude is different now. I’m not dreading the responsibility with anxiety, I’m thrilled and happy and loving. I’m preparing well and early. I’m bringing projects with all the leg work they can’t easily do on their own already done. I’m looking up service projects for them to do—ones that will get them uncomfortable and have them work hard. Ones that will increase their understanding to the needs around them, thinking outside themselves, swelling of the heart stuff.

At Round Table training last night the people there caught me off guard. They were way wacky! I mean, I guess it wasn’t bad since I suppose I’m wacky like that too but I’ve never been in a huge room with people as wacky as me before (except maybe at a bar). When the announcer said to give someone a round of applause, the audience clapped making large circular motions with their arms. Pretty fun. I could see how that could be funny to an 8 year old. So, for tonight: obnoxious is in.

Myles’ 6th Birthday party is tomorrow. Lots of adults in the area will be seeing my house for the first time. My terribly messy house. How can I keep up? Perhaps stop typing for one! But this clears my mind and gets me going. Plus, I’m a fast typer. But I should get my scouting done too… so adios.

To Waste or Be Wasteless

I’m in quite the nostalgic mood this morning. Trying to sort the endless supply of papers in front of my massive computer screen whose screen saver is of the past year’s photos doesn’t help. The beach is so far away, not that we went there much anyway.

I want to put the final touches on my new budget, automatic bill paying thing. We switched banks when we moved and I've had to redo everything. I want to make sure I have enough money to go after Christmas sale shopping today (if I can talk Curtis into the idea). I hate to shop but I want to help my children develop their musical talents. And so I will do the painstaking task of spending money.

An interesting balance I’m thinking about; one I don’t know where to take. It’s between making do with what you have and going and buying whatever you need. I used to just use whatever I had. When I needed a garbage can for my studio, I never dreamed of going to the store to buy one. I used old boxes for recycling and used paper bags for the garbage until I found an actual garbage can on someone’s curb on junk day. That’s just how I was taught and that’s how I operate. I never wasted, but man did I collect. I’d take many things I didn’t really need because perhaps I could use them (at least at some point).

I have been doing things differently lately. Perhaps living with my mother-in-law for 7 months showed me another way. I had decided to adopt their ways while I was under their roof. They don’t believe in recycling and although they probably waste less than most, they're habits were quite different than what I was used to. Buying what you need and throwing away what you don't need is a lot easier.

Should I waste so much time trying not to waste things that I don’t get to use that time with my family? At least I don’t waste a lot of time shopping like many women my age like to do. But I do seem to spend a long time when I do go gerocery shopping tying to only buy items that are on mad sales/great deals. I keep a log in my Blackberry of what good prices are on our most used items. My grocery receipts are confusing with markdowns because most often every item I bought was a sale item. I stock up on the sale items and do without regularly priced items. We’ll go months without bananas when high priced just to get sick of the mounds of them on the counter when cheep.

So where’s the balance? Do I get rid of all these tonz of clothes I own that I don’t wear because they aren’t my current size? Or do I keep them in case I get pregnant again (or the skinny ones for if I get skinny again)? Or all the fun clothes, do I keep them in case I make some fun friends that like to go out on the town?

What about the children’s toys? We have too many. I used to box up half and rotate them. But should I just get rid of them and buy new ones at every turn as most consumer-minded American parents?

I felt like such a cheep mother this Christmas with only a small mound of presents for my children. Since when is my thinking such? A used play truck, new sled, used books, candy, fruit, snow gloves, new PJs, and a movie each should be plenty. And yet I feel somehow like I should buy them more today to make up for it. Ron wanted a matchbook car race track, Myles wanted a drum set, Sterling wanted a baby doll that laughed. I knew this and yet didn’t get it for them (I did buy the sleds they wanted though). I may buy them today. Perhaps there’s after Christmas sales that will appease both my desires.

So much to consider.

I’ve gotten rid of so many things as I have been unpacking with the mind set that if I ever need them, I will buy them. Instead of keeping PJ bottoms that are too short for me (someone did my laundry when I had a baby and dried them), I gave them away to the teenage girl next door. If I end up feeling like I really missed having cozy flannel pants to wear in the morning, I’ll save up and buy one pair that fit. I hate buying so it’s hard to get rid of stuff. I hate wasting even more. At least in Brownsville we had a thrift store that helped the community by taking off your hands the useful things you didn’t use anymore and selling them really cheaply so you felt like you could afford the items you did need. The DI doesn’t seem to do that well. Occasionally I can find something good like a good book. Most items are expensive, not much of a selection, and I know they don’t treat items well that you drop off. On the bright side, there’s a really effective CraigsList and KSL classified. I got my metal junk hauled away (including 2 dishwashers) the other day. They said they’d even take the run-down camping camper. Curtis is going to try to shave off the top and make it into a flatbed trailer. The DI won't take my baby swing--probably cause they know they'd just break it before getting it on the floor to sale ;) (Zaharah is a wierd baby because she doesn't like swings).

I have to get rid of things because this house doesn’t have the storage capacity. The historic home we moved from had so much storage space. Good thing we don’t live there anymore because I could have collected everything in sight for years and not filled it up.

It will be good to be more simplified. And so I must start with this mound of papers. Good thing we’re paperless as much as we can or I can’t imagine what mess I would be in. I love how I can look things up online so easily instead of going through a mound of papers to find the one I am looking for. I just need to get the school on board in paperless thinking. They must think the more paper they print on and send home the better. Mounds of it. I used to try to use the backside for the kids' drawing paper but it ended up all over the house and I'd have to go through it again (or at least take time to glance at it). So it goes into recycling which I have to take 10 miles into town to recycle.

The ablilty to be paperless with bills and other info from buisnesses is fantastic! What a glorious age to be living in. So many conveniences! So much opportunity! So facile to communicate with all loved ones around the world!

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Update from a few days later:
I went shopping and bought everything the kids had wanted for Christmas. After that crazy shopping spree I have been depressed. The items sit still in their bags in my room. What do I do with them? Do I give them to the kids? I don't want to wait until next year because no doubt their interests will change by then. Do I take them back? I'm so indecisive and upset about the amount of spending I've done this month. I've spent more this month than I ever have before in one month. I don't have proof of that but no doubt it's true. I can't understand it. It may have something to do with that I found out that Curtis makes $1000 more per month than we had anticipated him making. Once the paychecks started coming in we saw that overtime sure makes a difference in his pay. So I decided to go hog wild at the store? so unlike me. I felt much better this morning after conversing with the Lord, admitting to him my mistakes/faults and repenting for not being a wise steward with the money He has blessed me with. I should want money only for the purpose of doing some good (and I don't mean single-handedly boosting our Nations economy by my frivilous spending). Curtis and I have talked about letting a struggling family live in our basement for free (there's a large 2-bedroom appartment just sitting empty down there) or perhaps for some help around the house. But I would want one that is trying to help themselves, not people that feel entitled to a handout and want to mooch off of others. I think it'd be great to help foster children who turn 18 and have no place to go or direction in life. I could help them set up a budget, get a job, transport them, etc. I could help them with that transition into adulthood.

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Further updated on Jan 7th: I think I will use these after Christmas toys as incentives in a "mommy store." I'm not sure how I want them to earn them yet. I need to think about it for a few days, noticing their behaviors and thinking about what behaviors we would like changed. I need to make sure they are not too hard to earn so that the kids won't loose interest. I think I'll also put cheeper items in there too like dollar store toys and sunglasses. I think each item will cost the actual amount they really did cost (teaching the kids how much things are worth in the real world) and then have them have some sort of token or play money with which to earn and purchase. I don't want to use poker chips since poker isn't exactly something I want to introduce into their lives. And I don't want to use marbles as they will end up on the ground and be dangerous for babies. I'll have to think of something.