My Talk on Bednar's 'More Diligent and Concerned at Home'

I gave this talk today at church. I told it in my own words for once instead of reading it so it didn't go exactly as written. The audience seemed so bored that sometimes I said silly things like pointing out when someone's phone rang. Curtis tried to get their attention by making throwing up sounds during his story about when his brother threw up in his tent. When he did that it hurt my already disturbed bowls and I had to leave the chapel (from up on the stand) and go find the bathroom. Our kids were all sick being watched at home with Grandma. We had been up all night with Myles throwing up and then it waking up the younger two. The whole ordeal was quite an experience. Luckly, following church we came home to finda yummy lunch of homemade mashed potatos, steamed veggies, chicken, and homemade rolls and a cleaned up house all done by Grandma in the less than 2 hours we were gone! She is so nice to serve us! Well, here's the talk:

Every six months we are presented with the opportunity to be filled with the Holy Ghost and given more power to combat evil and make the step-by-step improvements in our lives that make all the difference in the long run. I’m talking of General Conference.

Growing up, I had always thought people just endured conference, trying to awake as they fulfilled their duty to take notes on the talks. But about 10 years ago I was at Curtis’ cousin’s house- a hip young mother that’s highly intellectual. She’s very cool. Anyway, we started talking about how conference was the next week and she got so excited. She spoke of her passion for receiving all the insight therein.

I thought a lot about this and wanted the same effect on my life. That session, I got more out of conference than I ever had before. And every conference since, after I prepare for it by setting my life in order that I might be a receiver of the Holy Ghost’s message, has a greater and greater effect on me.

Today, Curtis and I get to each cover one of the great talks in last October’s session. To remind you of its message, share some thoughts on the subjects and hopefully do so in a way that can invite the spirit to teach us. Please pray for that in your hearts today, that our hearts may be open to learn as we attend church today.

My talk is by Elder Bednar. It’s interesting to me that I was assigned to his talk because my parents are in Argentina right now being taught by him. He’s been down there for a couple of weeks meeting with the missionaries and teaching them great truths. My father shared many truths he has learned from him, some of which I will share with you today.

The subject of Elder Bednar’s talk was “More Diligent and Concerned at Home.” It's a phrase taken from Doctrine and Covenants 93:50. Elder Bednar suggests three ways to accomplish this: 1) express Love to our family members, 2) bear Testimony to them in what we say and do, and 3) be Consistent in daily family scripture study, prayer and regular FHE despite how ineffective they may seem.

For the first suggestion, Love, he says simply express it Sincerely and Frequently. Do we do this? Of course to Love one Another is not a new concept to us! Bednar said “As disciples of the Savior, we are not merely striving to know more; rather, we need to consistently do more of what we know is right and become better.” We can Love our families more and more each day. What’s in our way? Is it awkward for us since we are not in the habit? Are we worried the expressions may not be reciprocated? Yet if we are sure of God’s love, we will not need the approval of others to sustain us as we choose the right way. And I am certain that as we set an example of Love in our homes, our other family members will follow.

I noticed this just a few weeks ago as we were packing up getting ready to move and still trying to negotiate the closure of our new house. It seemed a very stressful time to me and I noticed the children being on edge as well and creating seemingly more messes to clean up. Yet one day I noticed that Curtis was being especially chipper. He caught a hold straight-on of every kid-evoked disaster and his positive attitude did not waiver as he kindly taught the children a better way. It was such a warm, kind environment to be in, I was determined to add to it instead of taking away. And so I start each day with a plead to the Lord that I may be a means of contributing to a spiritual environment in the home, that I might have the Lord’s strength to be patient and kind as I direct the children. That I might show LOVE to each of them throughout the day. And of course I have to keep checking up on myself all day.

One thing that I noticed getting in my way of showing love in the home is the way I was talking rather than what I was saying. I just finished a book by this family and marriage expert named Carlfred Broderick, someone who has been asked by the church to write several Ensign articles. He says that there are metamessages sent by the way we say things that as the person talking, we don’t even recognize we are sending. Our actual words may be kind and loving but the way we say them or our body language may be communicating to others that we disapprove.

Another thing to consider is Gary Chapman’s love languages where he says people feel loved in different ways. So we need to not only tell people we love them through the actual words, but also by serving them, spending time with them, listening to them, telling them you appreciate them, hugs, kisses, etc.

I keep reminding myself that it’s okay to steal away moments just stolen in-between my accomplishment-oriented day to sit and quietly converse with a child, one on one, fulfilling much more than my checklist of seemingly necessities. It’s not only okay, it’s the best!! I love those moments when I’m not so caught up in what needs to be done around the house.

In Elder Bednar’s talk he says “…our love for spouse, parents, and children is reflected most powerfully in our thoughts, our words, and our deeds.” I think that if we pay attention to our thoughts, focus our thoughts on the well-being of those we love including the Savior, our words and deeds will reflect that. Bednar continued “Such love nurtures and sustains faith in God. Such love is a source of strength and casts our fear. Such love is the desire of every human soul.”

President Monson counseled that we should never assume others know we love them. In Fiddler on the Roof, Tevye sings a song where he asks his wife, Golde if she loves him. She responds with reminding him that for 25 years she has done so much for him. He acknowledges this but then still asks if she loves him. We must tell others how we feel.

The second suggestion Bednar gave was to bear your testimony. This can be done in many ways as well. In our hearts, in our words, in our actions. It doesn’t need to be a flashy testimony, just tell what you know is true. You don’t need an interesting story either.

When Curtis and I were first married we had family home evening together just the two of us each week. At the end of family home evening he suggested we bear our testimonies to each other. This was terribly embarrassing to me at the time. I was not accustom to doing that so formally, but it was a great idea to set a time when we do take the time to bear our testimonies to each other.

We should also create and look for opportunities we can bear it informally such as pointing out how beautiful the sunset is and say “I’m so grateful for the Lord whom made such a beautiful Earth for us to live in.”

So what is a testimony? “A testimony is what we know to be true in our minds and in our hearts by the witness of the Holy Ghost. As we profess truth…we invite the Holy Ghost to confirm the verity of our words.” What a great tool to bring power, peace and gospel learning into our home!

Bednar reminds us to not only declare but also to live it. I was especially struck by when Elder Bednar said "...children often are the most alert and sensitive when it comes to recognizing hypocrisy." It made perfect sense to me as I thought of my own childhood and I also thought about the many times I have seen my children’s minds deciphering in distinct black vs. white, allowing for no middle ground of uncertainty/not-very-wrong.

And finally Bednar's 3rd suggestion for being more diligent and concerned at home was to remain consistent. {Summery of this story: Sometimes Sister Bednar and I wondered if our efforts to do these spiritually essential things were worthwhile. Now and then verses of scripture were read amid outbursts such as “He’s touching me!” “Make him stop looking at me!” “Mom, he’s breathing my air!” Sincere prayers occasionally were interrupted with giggling and poking. And with active, rambunctious boys, family home evening lessons did not always produce high levels of edification. At times Sister Bednar and I were exasperated because the righteous habits we worked so hard to foster did not seem to yield immediately the spiritual results we wanted and expected.
Today if you could ask our adult sons what they remember about family prayer, scripture study, and family home evening, I believe I know how they would answer. They likely would not identify a particular prayer or a specific instance of scripture study or an especially meaningful family home evening lesson as the defining moment in their spiritual development. What they would say they remember is that as a family we were consistent.
Sister Bednar and I thought helping our sons understand the content of a particular lesson or a specific scripture was the ultimate outcome. But such a result does not occur each time we study or pray or learn together. The consistency of our intent and work was perhaps the greatest lesson—a lesson we did not fully appreciate at the time.}
This story changed the way I act during family scripture and prayer in the morning dramatically. I used to demand the children to be quite and attentive during scripture study. But now I'm way more relaxed in knowing that although we might not have a powerful scriptural feast every morning as a family, "our consistency in doing seemingly small things can lead to significant spiritual results” “Wherefore, be not weary in well-doing, for ye are laying the foundation of a great work. And out of small things proceedeth that which is great” (D&C 64:33).

Sometimes the things we are asked to do, those things we know in our heart are right to do seem to great. Where do we find the strength to increase our abilities to be more diligent and concerned at home?

In Elder Bendar's conclusion he testified of the enabling power we can possess when we call upon God in our righteous pursuits. He said “As we seek the Lord’s help and in His strength, we can gradually reduce the disparity between what we say and what we do…in these important pursuits we will never be left alone.”

He has taught that “meaningful prayer means to be determined to act.” Just as Joseph Smith, Jr. did not go to the grove simply because he was curious which church was true but because he was determined to follow which one was true, so we must be determined to act upon the truths learned in prayer in order for fruitful revelation to occur.

“Action alone is not faith. Faith is acting in accordance with true principles.”

“Faith is a principle of power. Pray for increased faith.”

“Meaningful prayer requires both holy communication and consecrated work. To ask in faith means to plead & perform.”

“Blessings require some work on our part. Prayer is a form of work.”

“Asking in Faith requires honesty, effort, commitment, and persistence.”

“We need help in surrendering our will to the God. Prayer is the act by which this is accomplished.”

“Prayer is not a wish list, but is to secure the blessings that God is eager to bestow according to His will and timetable.”

I would like to conclude my talk with my testimony that I know that Jesus Christ runs this church. He provides us with the way to live joyfully knowing that through Him we can progress and one day be exalted. I know that our efforts to show love to our family members, share our testimonies with them and be consistent in our study the gospel together are well worth the work. I know that we will be aided in these righteous pursuits as we turn our will over to the Lord in prayer. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

Talking this Sunday

I'm giving a talk this Sunday in church on Elder Bednar's talk last conference: More Diligent and Concerned at Home. It's a phrase taken from Doctrine and Covenants 93:50). Elder Bednar suggests three ways to accomplish this: express Love to our family memebers, bear Testimony to them in what we say and do, and be Consistent in daily family scripture study, prayer and regular FHE despite how ineffective they may seem.

For the first suggestion, I may cover metamessages (the way we say it) using guidelines from Carlfred Broderick's writtings and possibly love languages (telling others we love them through the actual words, serving them, spending time with them, listening to them, telling them you appriciate them, hugs, etc) phrase coined by Gary Chapman. Plus, personal examples of moments just stolen inbetween my accomplishment-oriented day to sit and quietly converse with a child, one on one, fulfilling much more than my checklist of seemingly necessities.

Bearing testimony can be done in many ways as well. Our words, actions, deeds. I was especially struck by when Elder Bednar said "...children often are the most alert and sensitive when it comes to recognizing hypocrisy." It made perfect sense to me as I thought of my own childhood and I also reminised on the many times I saw my chilren's minds decyfering in distict black vs. white, allowing for no middle ground of insertanty/not-very-wrong.

And finally Bednar's suggestion to remain consistant. This has changed my life in that I used to demand the children to be quite and attentive during scripture study. But now I'm way more relaxed in knowing that although we might not have a powerful scriptural feast every morning as a family, "our consistency in doing seemingly small things can lead to significant spiritual results."

In Elder Bendar's conclusion he testifies of the enabling power we can possess when we call upon God in our righteous persuits. I would love to expand upon this topic but more than just a mention will surely take away from the initial topic.

So this is what I have so far with Sunday approaching fast! I don't have any more ideas but plan on researching the topic more by reading an email my father sent from Argentina where he has spent the last couple of weeks with Elder Bednar, reading other's blogs on how they felt about this talk when they heard it in conference, and absorbing the fast library of solid truthful goodies found at lds.org.

By the way, last Sunday our records were received and they welcomed us to the ward as well as asked the congregation if we would be sustained in our new callings. I am the new Wolf Cub Scout leader (Ron's a Wolf in my group) and Curtis is a Ward Missionary.

It's so fantastic to be able to serve again after being in a trasition of sorts in our last ward. They didn't ask us to do much I suppose 'cause we were only there 7 months :( They didn't even let me be a VT. But I suppose they did what they thought was best and who am I to know what is best. I bet it's really hard to change everything around and ask someone to fill a position when you know it's temporary (even though I'm sure there are some menial jobs like "RS room environmental specialist" -which simply makes the RS room presentable each week with chairs and hymnals- that don't normally need to be filled but give someone a chance to serve). Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that it's so good to be able to serve again; to know you're able to contribute in other roles outside of the home to help build the kingdom of God; to make a difference somewhere; to focus one's thoughts on eternal matters.

Debt Fear

I'm trying to set up a budget. New home, new job (therefore new income), new bills, new Credit Union. Somehow the whole transisiton is putting us in major debt. Curtis' credit card swings out of his wallet so easily. Everything seems like a necessity. Where do we draw the line.

It's easier for me to not spend. It was the way I was raised. Use what you've got, use it up. Don't go by new, make do. This concept is so foreign to Curtis that he usually forgets to recycle even though I have 3 recycle boxes in the kitchen out on the floor.

He's a big spender. I take that back. Compared to most Americans, he probably spends less than normal. Which is why credit card debt is so prevelent. So here I am doing without geroceries for the rest of the month because I won't buy them on credit. I think it's fine. We have food storage. We can eat out of can for a week or so. We are eating hot cereal for breakfast until we get paid again since we have no milk, eggs, or cheese. When my mom suggested to eat raw apples to help with some recent family digestion problems, I thanked her but realized I can't just go to the store and buy apples right now.

So this is where I'm at when Curtis announces he is buying another $500 gun case. Obviously we are on totally different planets. In my attempt to understand him and not make him feel controled but to keep us out of further debt, I said he could sell my Nikon camera and it's gear and use that. It's an extra. He thinks I don't want my camera now. Of course I want it. It's been a dream of mine to be a photographer. But I want us to stay afloat more.

So I'm really nervous about our inheritance money coming this next month. We've decided to purchase a duplex with it but what if he decides to nickle and dime it away instead!

I keep thinking I should just get this budget set up and convince him to cut up his credit card. That if I just budget in spending money for him, he could save up for whatever he wants. But I wasn't planning on budgeting much for that so how could he afford all his fancy clothes, flat TV, tall ladder, gun stuff? I suppose I need to budget a big enough spending allowance for him. All I know is that I'm in quite the uncomfortable and not healthy possition right now telling him that I don't think we can afford a gun safe.
____________________________________________
Update: a couple of hours later: Wow, my husband is wonderful. After scripture and prayer this morning, but before breakfast we laid on the snuggie warm (radient heated) carpet and talked about my concerns. Since I had been able to figure out my feelings via the start of this post this morning, I knew how to formulate my thoughts. Instead of being the myrter and selling my camera, we decided to hold off on big purchases and work on getting out of debt but to budget in a larger monthly spending amount for Curtis (his "fun" money) so he can realistically save up for his big purchases. My man has great communication skills and is slow to anger. Married life is so fun with a partner so willing to work things out!

No Hidden Agendas

Years ago, Steve described his sweet love for his future wife to me, his baby sister of early teen years. He explained that he admired how she interacted with "no hidden agendas."

This really stuck with me. For one, because it took me awhile to discover what he meant (As the youngest child trying to prove I was just as mature as the rest, I never admitted to not knowing something). For two, because as I try to unravel the reasons why some interactions I have feel nice and others freaky, I usually discover that hidden agendas freak things up.

What's their motive? If not transparent=what you see is what they meant, I don't want to have anything to do with it. I don't like others to try to manipulate the situation and especially not me in order to get what they want. Not for any reason, not even in my best interest.

I think females have more of a tenancy to do such an act which I think is why my close friends in high school were males. I didn't like all the complicated social games of emotional importance. I liked how the guys in my life told you if they were upset instead of letting it boil inside until talking behind someone's back seemed like the best outlet.

In pursuing NO HIDDEN AGENDAS in my life, I have to be careful with those I love most: my husband and kids. I have to remind myself daily to have the motive behind working on the environment in my home to be to invite the spirit and teach correct principles to our children rather than to work on the environment in order to get them to behave how I want. I have been totally open and honest with Curtis rather than secretly getting others to friendship him or secretly buying g's to replace his older ones.

I best help others to make good choices in their life by working on my own choices.I best show the path to God by walking on it myself. It's such an unrighteous burden off of my shoulders now that I have been strong enough (with God's strength) to implement in my life the principle of being responsible to others (not for them). I now have no hidden agendas.

1st Snow

An hour ago it began to snow the first snow of the year. It's especially delightly for my children-- who have been raised in Oregon where the snow is very infrequent. It's a crisp, blowing wild snow --sideways it comes down--tiny prikles of ice on the cheeks.

We've only been in our new house on this mountian one week. We're not quite winterized. We've been working hard but today was going to be the day when we got it all done. Oops. When Curtis saw it coming down he quickly canceled my plans to buy window coverings and ran outside to replace the front step. I wish Winter had waited one more day, but knowing Utah, there will probably be summer days when all the snow melts intermixed this blizzardy days during the next few weeks.

Yesterday was lovely outside. While Zaharah napped, I took the monitor and Sterling and Myles next door to rake out Cara's flowerbed.

I'm so blessed to have such a friend as Cara. She is someone I can really count on--I'm confident she'll always be near. We have a good time together. I appriciate her work ethic, desire to be better everyday, and the love she eminates to everyone and everthing she is around. She also has great self control but struggles in many of the same areas as I such as the debiltating fears that sometimes sneak up on us. She likes to get together to work; it's really fun. She doesn't mind asking me for help and she's right there for me when I need help. Most of all her motives are pure and centered on Christ and goodness. What more can I ask? I am so blessed.

Zinc

During my morning run today I met our neighbor Zinc. He was a kind, elderly man with a knitted beany. We chatted awhile about our ansestry and the fate of local fruit orchards. In closing we hugged. Mine a tenative request; his a whole hearted embrace. I felt so invigorated I ran faster until my body gave out.

The air was so cold that my lungs stung and not from further expansion. Little did I know it was soon to dump a huge amount of snow all day. How will I go running now?

Sterling's Spiders in the Night

I awoke at 2:30am to Sterling screaming at his door (his handle is too tricky for him to open). I went in and he surprisingly was able to communicate the problem. He pointed to his bed and said "spider. bed. spider" over and over. I invisioned some huge hairy-legged creeping spider but tried to act as casual and unaffraid as possible as I shook out his blankies and turned over all the bedding to show him that there was nothing to be afraid of. And there wasn't. Nothing was there and I was pretty thourough about it too. With it so dark in there I'm sure it was just a bad dream.

I picked Sterling up and rocked him as I sat on his bed. He was shaking I assumed from waking so suddenly when he was so tired in a deep sleep. I wanted so badly to create the romantic scenes I've seen or read about where the mother sooths the child that has a nightmare with a beautiful song whose reference soothes that child for the rest of their lives. They think back to all the nights that mom was there, singing that song. But I had no song. I considered the ritual a mother did on Grey's Anatomy a few episodes ago, but it seemed too wierd to try to emulate a silly TV sitcom. I thought of the song one of my roomates in college's mom used to sing to her about angels watching her while she slept, but the tune and lyrics were not conciously available. So I rocked him until he climbed into bed.

Then I went back to bed and kept rubbing my own arms and back at the slightest tickle to make sure there were no spiders.

Moving In

We moved in today! Jerem, Donnie, Eric and Grandpa Ron met Curtis and Ron III at our storage garage in North Salt Lake this morning at 9:30am and loaded all the rest of our enormous amount of stuff that we obviously don't need seeing how we've lived without it for the past 7 months. he he. But it'll be great to have our food storage and other resources again. I am determined to simply and dejunk. Live simply that others may simply live and all of that. But I actually am using much less of the world's resources by having so much stuff. I make due with what I got instead of discarding all I am not currently using just to go buy everything I need when I need it.

It was easier when I lived in Brownsville because they actually had a second-hand store that helped everyone in the community. They're prices were so reasonable and inexpensive that I could buy and reuse what others weren't currently using. And then I felt great about donating all I didn't need because I knew my donations were in capable hands and would be carefully displayed. I knew that when I shopped there, it wasn't weeding through a bunch of junk. The volunteers at that store made it a lovely place to find what one needed. This is in stark contrast to the Deseret Industries (D.I.) found here in Utah. I'm sure they must be doing a lot of good for someone but they are very frustrating to me. People don't want to donate to them because they often trash what is donated and they're prices on the junk they display are astronomical. You could buy the same things for the same prices for brand new!

When I came to UT, many loved ones offered clothes and other items they no longer needed to me. I thanked them profusely and offered to take that which I didn't need to the D.I. But they said to just give it back to them and they would find others that could use it. What a pain! I wish there was a second-hand store that worked. I guess that's what we have Craig's List and KSL.com for. The only possible reason I can see why someone would shop at the D.I. is to either feel good about not buying new things (reusing) or to possibly find the good buy beneath all the expensive junk.

When Ron turned 8 in August, I frequented the D.I. to find him a "new" (to him) bike. But they were all in terrible condition, with stripped gears, rusty chains and flat tires. The D.I. worker that helped me get the bikes down from their hanging possition told me that I would be much better off buying a new one from Wal-Mart (the anthesis of re-use and make-do). I took the advice. That is exactly what I did. I bought from that moster chain because it was cheep and I'm on a budget and there aren't any second-hand stores that I've found that work out here. The D.I. is massive an ineffective. How could another store survive when everyone who is willing to donate is giving to the D.I.?

Anyway, climbing down from my soap box to finish my post about moving in.

After loading the rest of our stuff from Ron and Shelly's house first thing this morning, I took the kids and Shelly to our new house. Ron III stayed with dad and grandpa (the other 2 Ron's) since he's old enough to help carry boxes.

Kareena met us at the house and us ladies got to work cleaning it. The large refridgerator took quite some time plus all the shelves in the kitchen. I worked on the bathrooms. I had thought it would be a quick job since it looked clean (newly painted walls and new flooring, etc) plus cleaning our last house had been so quick. But our house in Brownsville had been cleaned by the previous owners before they left. This house wasn't touched by the previous owners even though they signed a contract that it would be left broom cleaned. Everything, including the walls have a film of dust or perhaps contruction grime. I forgot my vinigar (what I usually clean with) so we had to use harsher chemicals barrowed that weren't good for the septic tank but I figured we'd start using non-antibacterial tomarrow.

Donnie, Grandpa Ron and Curtis showed up in their trucks each carrying a trailer at noon. I had coordinated our next door neighbors to come and help unload. Kareena went to Wal-Mart for Magic Erasers (Shelly's request) and I asked her to pick up a shower curtin and hoggie sandwhiches for everyone (Shelly added that we should have chips too). I had bottles waters in the car since we didn't have any cups unpacked yet.

Our next door neighbors to the South own the land by us. Our 2 acres were sectioned off from their 20 back in the day (so their property now looks like a Utah shape). They showed up with their 17 year old son, 9 year old son all willing to help. Their 9-year-old son even made us brownines all on his own. They were so welcoming! So warm and friendly.

We had a great time. We unloaded most of the furniture and boxes labeled kitchen inside and everything else was put in the 2 car gerage. I joke that I'll just bring in one box at a time and carefully dejunk and organize and put it away. But Curtis wants the gerage cleaned out quickly and everything put in their general areas to be organized later. I suppose he's right. He teases me for being such a perfectionist.

Cathy and her entire lovely family showed up with Dinner. Ron's favorite: chicken noodle soup. It was excellent! She's so giving! Her family had leftovers in the car on the way so we could have the entire crock pot of yummy soup (we ate it for two nights).

New Job; New House

Curtis started his new job today as Director of Nursing over Home Health and Hospice. To top it off, just after he left for work I received an email from the owners of the house we had been trying to buy stating that they would come down to $290K if we came up to 5% interst on the loan. It was a done deal but I just wanted one last thing done: a termite inspection.

The company I happened to call was the same company they had inspect their house 2 years ago at which time there were termites! Obviously this in one of the reasons why the owners didn't want to fill out a Seller's Disclosure. I suddenly began to see them as not so honest afterall. I tried to give them the bennefit of the doubt, though and said to myself that they thought they had taken care of the problem and there was no need to bring it up.

Long story short (hopefully I'll take the time to write out the story someday), we paid for the injection of termite killer ourselves and closed on the house at 5:30pm.

Appraisal Results

The Appraisal came back tonight at 8pm--just 36 hours before closing. Here I had been stressed about how to get everything done for our move on Friday but now all plans are put on hold and we don't know what's going to happen.

We were supposed to buy the house for $330K with $30K down and at a fixed interst rate of 4.25% for 30 years. The owners were owner financing and there was a prepayment penalty of 10K if paid off within 24 months.

But the appraisal came back at $280K (50K less than the agreed upon Purchase Price)!!!